as told to Julie Stone
Comic Amy Schumer, 32, the creator-writer-star of Comedy Central's show Inside Amy Schumer, would do anything for her lady friends (anything). Her case for ovaries over bro-varies:
I do a bit in my stand-up show about the "sluttiest friend." (You know, in every group of girlfriends, there's always one who's the sluttiest. And if you don't have that friend, guess what: You are that friend.) If you've heard the joke, you may think I'm a girl basher. Couldn't be further from the truth. My girlfriends are my best friends. I can tolerate guy time, listening to fantasy football or Call of Duty talk, but I hands down prefer being with the ladies--hanging out, questioning our parents' lacking skills, or dressing incognito to see Twilight or Spring Breakers. Yes, I've seen them all.
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I've been a girl's girl forever. (At least since my walls were papered with pictures of Jason Priestley torn from Tiger Beat.) I had a close group in high school. We still talk. These days my sister and I are super-duper close. We are the same person. Except she is thinner. With bigger boobs. And she's married. (Actually, I may hate her.) I'm close with comics Nikki Glaser, Chelsea Peretti, Natasha Leggero, Jessi Klein, and Rachel Feinstein. If one of them called me, crying, I'd stop everything to talk. But mostly we laugh…a lot. So what have these women taught me about friendship over the years?
Girls DO act like a team.
Girls work best in packs. Back in middle school, my friends and I would group up to get boys. We'd all crowd around someone's tangly landline phone and call a guy's house. First we'd try to make it through his mom--her instincts to keep us away from her son were dead-on. Then we'd feel it out for one another. "Are there any girls you like at school?" we'd ask him. "What do you think about Denise?" At the other end of the line, some boy desperately just wanted to go back to playing Super Mario Bros. Unsatisfying but, hey, we tried! Later, in high school, I went to further extremes for the girls' team. One time my friend was going to meet up with a guy. She was like, "Oh my God, I'm wearing granny panties!" I was wearing cute underwear, so I gave her mine. (And no, I didn't take the grannies.)
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The ladies DON'T sugarcoat.
Honesty in friendships is seriously important. I've told my girls, "Look, if I ever gain a bunch of weight or start wearing too much makeup and don't notice, you have to tell me." I don't want to be flipping through photos five months later and find out I started going off the rails and nobody gave me a heads-up! I like having the kind of friends who are real with one another. These broads keep me in check.
They always have your back. That's the biggest DO.
Last July my pal Tig Notaro, who was supposed to move to New York City to write for my show, got diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me, she really didn't know what to do. I did. I called her up and said, "You're coming. You're moving in with me. We're going to get an amazing place, and I'll take care of you. And we'll write this show. It'll be great." And we did! (Everything turned out fine--thank God, she is healthy now.) All in all, I am a very loyal gal. If one of my friends even has a crush on a guy, his penis falls off to me. And if you mess with my friends? Well, just Don't.
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as told to Julie Stone