Why Women Are Unhappier Than Ever -- and How to Feel Better

Healthy SELF, SELF Magazine

By Jenny Everett, SELF magazine

It seems like every year, there's another study indicating that women are becoming increasingly unhappy. And it's really starting to depress us!

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Especially stunning was a 2009 study by the National Bureau of Economics that found that women are unhappier than they've been in 35 years. Yikes.

Most recently, "The American Freshman: National Norms Fall 2010" survey involving more than 200,000 incoming college freshman found that women are consistently less happy than men -- and that gap is widening every year.

We talked to life coach Kiki Weingarten, co-founder of DLC Executive Coaching and Consulting in New York City, to get to the bottom of what's making women sad, and what we can do to protect our own happiness.

Weingarten says there are three primary reasons for our increasingly bummed-out state:

1. For the last several decades, women's roles and responsibilities have blown up.

"As women expect more from themselves and spread themselves thinner, they become overwhelmed and exhausted by it all," she says. "You're supposed to look stunning, work out and be physically in shape, have a wonderful relationship and family, be psychologically in the best shape at all times no matter what's going on, then head off to work and succeed there and come home and be a perfect mate, cook and parent and on and on... it's impossible." Damn straight it is!

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It's wonderful that women have more choice and opportunity than ever before -- but University of Pennsylvania research suggests that this may be a cause of the "male-female happiness gap." As the researchers say, "The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood in believing that one's life is not measuring up."

Happiness helper: Define a few meaningful and satisfying goals -- as opposed to feeling pressure to be perfect at everything. "These goals should allow you to feel satisfied, fulfilled, in the moment, provide a sense of accomplishment and give you something enjoyable to work toward," Weingarten says. Write them down and tack them to a bulletin board.

2. We try too hard to force happiness which, ironically, backfires and makes us miserable.

 "I'm not really sure how we as a culture came to have happiness as an ultimate goal and, above all and despite everything that's going on," says Weingarten. "I believe that's why people will do anything to avoid negative feelings, as though there's something wrong with it instead of it being human. The stigma of being OK with everything is so huge and it's become a real problem.

"Happiness is a fleeting state. You can have moments of it at any given time, but it's an impossible state to sustain all the time," she added.

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Happiness helper: Acknowledge the fact that everything is not always rainbows and unicorns, and that's normal. "I work with clients toward achieving happy moments and satisfying experiences while learning to tolerate negative feelings and move forward in spite of them."

3. Technology (we're looking at you, Facebook!) gives us a 24/7 way to compare ourselves to others.

 "Facebook causes constant comparisons and the sense that you're not measuring up," says Weingarten. "Plus the fact that it's constantly in your information stream -- there was a time when you could go away for a weekend to get away from it, but no more. Absolute disaster."

Happiness helper:Tune out the external noise and information and look internally, says Weingarten. "Appreciate what you do have. The constant hunt for the next great thing only leaves you rushing around for the next 'get' and not appreciating what's in front of you."

Besides, things are not as they appear on Facebook. That mother of five whose photos and status updates paint a picture of an always put-together, smiling, miraculously chill woman who, without fail, has a gourmet meal waiting for her doting husband at the end of the day? That's not reality, and not a fair way to judge yourself.

Related: Is Everyone Else Really Happier Than You?

Consider placing limit on your social networking. A good place to start: No Facebook (or Twitter, etc.) after 5 p.m. Your evenings are about you -- not everyone else you know.

How would you rate your happiness: Above average, normal or below average?

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Photo Credit: WWD