8 Secrets for Raising "Can Do" Kids

By GalTime Parenting Pro Michele Borba, Ed.D.

It's possible to help your child flourish into a 'Can Do' kid!
It's possible to help your child flourish into a 'Can Do' kid!

PARENTING TIPS TO HELP NURTURE SELF-ESTEEM AND POSITIVE ATTITUDES IN OUR YOUTH

If you could give your children a quality that would enhance their chances for leading successful, meaningful and fulfilling lives, what would it be? The answers may seem endless, but many experts say one of the greatest gifts would be instilling a "Can Do Attitude."

The fact is, the caliber of our children's productivity, inner strength, contentment, interpersonal relationships, and competencies is largely impacted by the strength of their self-beliefs. The best news is there are endless simple parenting moments to nurture positive attitudes in our children. Here are eight secrets to raise "Can Do" kids!




I can do it!
I can do it!

Real self-esteem is a combination of a feeling of worthiness: "I am likeable, loved and worthwhile" and a feeling of competence: "I have the skills to handle life."[Based on work of Nathaniel Branden]

Focusing on only worthiness - or making your child feel more special than others - is a detriment to a child's character and relationships with others.

Related: Study: Assertive Teens Avoid the Pitfalls of Addiction

Always rescuing (or "helicoptering") and solving your child's problems doesn't nurture that sense of competence.

Aim to strike a balance in your parenting of building your child's feelings of worthiness and competence.

I love James Dobson's analogy: "Think of a pilot landing a plane at night - he needs those lights to be on both sides of the runway for a smooth landing. So, too, does your child."

Secret 1. Discover Unique Strengths

There are so many fabulous opportunities to help our children discover their special talents and strengths. My Girl Scout leader from years ago was a master. Mrs. Woolley made us feel great by pointing out what we were good at. I always marveled at how she remembered our personal competencies. Then one day I discovered her secret when I found her notebook opened to a page filled with notes: "Meghan is interested in acrylics, Kelly's soccer game, Joanne's music recital." It was her way of making sure no girl's talent was ever overlooked.

Years later I still admire (and use!) Mrs. Woolley's simple but powerful way of helping kids discover their strengths! It's a secret we parents should be using far more. The more our children recognize their unique strengths, the stronger their self-beliefs will be. So help your child become aware of his or her own special qualities and talents. (And halt those comparisons to other siblings!)

Secret 2. Celebrate Special Achievements and Efforts

Nothing builds positive beliefs more than succeeding, and those achievements deserve celebrating. One way is having your child start his own Victory Log in a small notebook or journal. Each time your child achieves a special goal - such as finally learn to ride a bike, learn those math facts, or survive her first sleepover - encourage your child to describe and date the success on a page.

The book can become a priceless keepsake of a child's accomplishments that he can continue for years. For a non-reading child, consider taking a photo of the moment and pasting it into the log. This activity also helps your child learn to track his own successes and develop internal praise motivation instead of waiting for us to praise or reward those accomplishments.

Related: How to Nurture Your Child's Natural Talents

Secret 3. Focus on Actions Not Appearance

Recent studies show that too many of our kids - especially girls - base their self-esteem on how they look instead of what they can do. The effect on self-confidence is disastrous. So help your daughter focus more on her actions and less on appearance. Gently turn conversations about looks, dates, and dress sizes into topics about plans and goals.

Also, be a role model by discussing your goals and share your pride over any new accomplishments. By talking more about personal achievements and less about appearance, you will help your child develop personal beliefs formed on her accomplishments. In the process she will feel better about herself.

Secret 4. Use Specific, Earned Praise to Cultivate Positive Beliefs

Everyone loves praise and kids are no exception.

Everyone loves praise and kids are no exception... but keep in mind that not every little accolade will boost self-esteem. And you don't want your child to become a praise-a-holic expecting every little action to be praised.

Praise that builds "Can Do" beliefs has three characteristics: It is deserved, specific, and repeated.

Start by tuning into your child. Look for a special talent, trait, skill or passion in your child that deserves acknowledgement.

Next, find a moment when he really demonstrates the talent. This is when you can acknowledge the skill.

Word your message so your child knows exactly what he did to deserve your praise: "Kevin, you are so artistic because you use such wonderful colors and details in your drawings." And always use the same word to describe the talent ("artistic" or "musical" or "kind-hearted.")