As a woman, I face inner demons all the time. My self-confidence is lacking from a relationship I had a decade ago. Mistakes have been made and bridges have been burned. The last 10 years of my life have been nothing but chaos. All of the things in my past affect my marriage in the present. These are the battles I face daily, and why I need to work through them so my partner and I can lead a happy, "normal" life.
Lack of coping skills
When I was a young girl, I lost my mother to cancer. That was the moment that changed my life forever. Since then, there have been struggles with knowing how to cope with devastating events. I never properly dealt with her passing, which in turn led to poor choices when faced with things that weren't so great. It seems like one thing after another happens, and each time I turn to something else that creates bigger problems for me. Most recently, my in-laws were in a bad motorcycle accident. Both are in and out of the hospital and learning how to live with their injuries. Seeing them both in hospital beds in the condition they were in brought me back to that dark place I was in when I was eight-years-old. My husband has been more than patient with my ups and downs, but the lack of knowing how to feel and deal with my emotions has compromised our relationship, and it is slowly starting to crumble.
My self-confidence
In high school I had a boyfriend that ruined my confidence. Nothing was ever good enough and no matter how much I did, he continued to tear me down. Now I care too much what people think of me, and it leads to self-destructive behaviors. Recently some things happened within my freelancing career that I took to heart. My husband has been nothing but supportive with what I do, but I often feel like I am not good enough or deserving enough, and I end up disappointing the people around me. I pick fights with him over stupid things because I feel like I want him to prove to me I am worth fighting for, and when he fails at it, we argue and the resentment towards him builds.
Letting go of anger
This demon is by far the worst one, and the one that affects my relationship the most. I have been angry since my mother's death, which was exactly 20 years ago. I never learned to truly be happy, ever. There have been things in my life that have made me momentarily happy but the feeling never lasts. When people have upset or wronged me, the rage never goes away. There are people that will always be in my life, but I will never have a relationship with them, civil or otherwise. Sometimes my anger is unfounded, but that still doesn't make it any easier to let go. My husband is a very forgiving person, almost to a fault. He can't understand my feelings and we argue a lot about certain people and situations.
While I know I am not alone in my battle with these inner demons, I would like to be able to get rid of them for good. I am hoping with a little work and a lot of determination, my marriage will get stronger and I can learn to deal with these things properly. I don't want my relationship to suffer because I am too stubborn to put forth effort, especially for my children.
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