Divorce or any big breakup is like a death. The life that you planned no longer exists. In cases where there are lies and adultery, we question whether the life we thought we had ever really existed. Adultery is a thief that steals your past. It doesn't have to steal your future however. You can rise from the ashes better than you ever imagined.
In many ways, the sudden and unexpected loss of a long term relationship can feel worse than a death because at least when someone dies we are focused on saying goodbye and finding solace. In cases of a devastating break up everyone just expects you to quickly move on. Loss, however, is loss.
It seems that Demi Moore's break up with Ashton Kutcher was unexpected. Almost two months ago Moore announced the split but she's making headlines this week with her new interview in the February issue of Harper's Bazaar Magazine. In a candid interview with Amanda de Cadenet, her friend and co-producer of the upcoming Lifetime Show "The Conversation," Demi reveals her deepest post-breakup fears.
Just as we would confess to our best girlfriends over cocktails, Demi tells Amanda, "What scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not lovable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me...and that I wasn't wanted here in the first place." This is something that we can all relate to.
For us merely mortal women it would seem that a big celebrity might have an easier time of it. Demi Moore has certainly been on many lists as one of the most beautiful and desirable women in the world. When she embarked on a so-called May-December romance with a man 16 years her junior, even detractors had to admit that if anyone could make it work, it would be Moore. The "Charlie's Angels" star had been married twice before, including a high profile marriage to actor Bruce Willis.
Demi's breakup announcement read like any of our journal entries: "It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family..."
So what now?
There will be times in life for all of us when everything we hold sacred ends up in the crapper. Breaking up is ultimately a part of the journey of coming together, whether it is in our friendships, our families, our careers or romantic attachments. It's not so much what has happened as what we do with it. Your post-breakup mission should be healing and moving forward.
How to regain your self-worth after a relationship ends:
1. Find support.
When someone we love appears not to love us anymore, this is often a manifestation of our deepest fears. We all want to be loved and we all want to be lovable. A break up can be very lonely. When you get married, move in together or otherwise launch a new love, so many people are there for the celebration. When it's over it can feel like there is just you.
Be honest about what you are going through with the people in your life. In addition, it may be a good idea to get some outside help. Find a good therapist or join a support group. Our friends are there to hold us up when we fall, but they have their own lives with issues that we may be unaware of.
2. Grieve the loss.
The loss of a major relationship is a death. The hopes and dreams you shared together are gone. Acknowledge this. You are probably in shock. It is natural to be depressed when depressing things happen. Shrugging off the way you feel won't empower you. Trying to medicate your feelings away with food, drink or other substances won't serve you either.
Bear witness to yourself and honor your feelings. Get a journal and free-write 3 pages before you get out of bed every morning. Write down the stream of consciousness thoughts that are on your mind. This is just for you. Give yourself the closure that you need so that you can grow and move on.
3. Examine the love lessons and forgive yourself.
It can sound annoying when we're in the middle of something but we really should learn from every experience. The time that you shared with this person is not a waste. This relationship existed to help you evolve to become even more magnificent.
Make time to asses the relationship. Ask yourself, what have I learned? What have you learned about human nature? And most importantly, what have you learned about yourself? This is not about blame or shame. This is about forgiveness. Get angry and then get on to forgiving. You must ultimately forgive yourself.
4. Be grateful.
It may seem like the last thing you want to hear when you're in the midst of a personal ordeal but gratitude is key to healing. No matter what your spiritual belief, count your blessings. Take time before you close your eyes at night to find five things that happened each day that you are grateful for. Gratitude is extremely healing because it keeps us rejoicing in the present instead of lamenting the past.
5. Give yourself a self-worth infusion.
Your sense of self and well-being has been ripped away. This is a time for rebuilding. After a loss of blood, doctors give a blood transfusion. My prescription for you as your official Breakup Whisperer and Lifestyle Passionista is that you need a self-worth infusion.
Find your self-worth again by doing sweet things for yourself. Treat yourself well. Indulge in extreme self care by taking a new dance class or buying a hula hoop and giving it a daily whirl. Get moving and get your endorphins going. Treat yourself to healthy foods. Say I love you daily into the mirror. Give yourself a fun makeover. Listen to feel good music and read enriching writing. It is okay to be selfish as we heal but volunteering will remind you of just how lucky you are to be your wonderful self.
Life is falling down ten times and getting up eleven. You are a goddess. Whether anyone else knows or believes that does not matter. Like everything else, this to shall pass. It's time to get back to living so that one day you'll look back and say, wow. Look how much I have grown.
Don't be sad that it's over. Be glad that it happened. Here's looking at you, my rock star friend. And if no one has told you today, you are definitely worthy of being loved. You are enough.
More from this Contributor
When to leave a relationship: How do I know it's over?
Soul mate love lessons from author Cheryl Richardson: Creating an exceptional love life
5 reasons not to get married: Kim Kardashian's divorce as a cautionary tale
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