You know you've really slept with the enemy when even your mattress is a constant reminder of the failed relationship.
A terribly upset person in San Francisco is trying to erase the memory of his or her "sociopath" of an ex, by selling their bed. The Craigslist ad, titled "Come get this Plush-ass queen Simmons Beautyrest out of my life—$150," reads as follows:
"The pain of my broken heart now means less back pain for you! It's a plush queen-sized Simmons Beautyrest. It's three years old, and feels like you're sleeping on a f***ing cloud—even when you're unknowingly sleeping next to a lying cheater. In a bad relationship and have to lie next to the constant reminder that you didn't go to grad school so that you could move and get engaged? Then this is the bed for you, it will get you to f***ing REM and for 6-8 hours every night you'll forget that you're sleeping next to a sociopath. There are no stains, and this thing hasn't seen action in a while."
Things to know if you're interested: The buyer should kindly comes prepared. ("And no, I won't help you get it out to your car. There are only eleven steps up to my apartment. You figure it out") The seller won't discriminate. ("But it would help immensely if you looked like my ex as I would love to see an entitled, Ivy-League educated asshole struggle with this thing") And potential buyers should act fast, because the deal won't last. ("Get this f***ing mattress out of my life.")
It's unclear whether a man or a woman wrote the post, but it's only the latest in a string of cringe-worthy breakups unfolding in public.
There was the passive aggressive dump: In June, a Redditor posted a photo of a letter she wrote to her ex, against the backdrop of hearts and emoticons. It began enthusiastically — "Hey honey!" — then got Glenn Close-ish. "Guess who left his Facebook open on the computer and got a message from Kelsi? Yeah! You did!" she wrote, before sending him on a scavenger hunt to retrieve his possessions, which she had scattered about town. ("Your clothes are where we first met! Your video games are where we first kissed! Everything else, including pictures of the last two years of our lives, is at Kelsi's house!"). Unsurprisingly, the post went viral, racking up almost 2 million views.
Before that, the vengeful dump: A woman named Emily rented billboard space to send a message to her husband. "Hi Steven, do I have your attention now?" the billboard read. "I know all about her, you dirty, sneaky, immoral unfaithful, poorly endowed slimeball. Everything's caught on tape. Your (soon-to-be-ex) Wife, Emily."
Let's not forget impersonal-personal ad dump: "Kevin Maxey: Game is over as of Dec. 9. I have moved on & suggest you do the same. Do not knock on my door or ring my door ever again. Bye."
And finally, the classic bait n' switch: In May, someone on Flickr uploaded a shot of this breakup missive: "Dear Erin, You are like sunshine in the rain. Your smile is better than 100,000,000 sparkly trampolines. So, it is with deep regret that I must inform you that I think we should cut our relationship short."
The mattress post was flagged for removal on Craigslist, so the bed very well may not have found a new home yet. The sooner the better though, since the seller still has "the entire Fiona Apple and Alanis Morissette discographies to get through." Stay tuned.