10 Reasons Couples Therapy May Not Work For You
Couples come in every week for therapy. Many come in with expectations of gaining insight, some are dragged in by their spouses, and some come in out of frustration and wanting out of a bad marriage. The reasons that bring people in are not as important as the couple's attitude. If couples see their marriage as a work in progress and come to therapy to work past difficulties, they usually will be successful. Therapy is expensive and can be a waste of time. It can also be the single best thing you ever did for your relationship. When a marriage or a person is in psychological distress, the friend with the best intentions will usually say, "Why don't you go see a therapist?" The friend is saying this because they love their friend, and they don't know what else to say or advise their friend to do. There are times when a couple should not go to therapy; sometimes therapy may be counterproductive, putting the couple in financial distress and deeper frustration that nothing is going to change.
If you are experiencing any of these, therapy may be a greater strain than beneficial:
1. If you are only going to therapy to say you did it. A spouse who already has a new significant other and wants to ease their guilt by saying they went to therapy should save their money. They will need it in court.
2. Couples who are trying to fool the therapist. If you pay therapists to listen to your story, but the story isn't true, I am not sure who is wasting their time more.
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3. If you or your partner hates the therapist, it may make you less successful with therapy. Keep shopping until you find one you both are comfortable with and respect.
4. If you go to therapy and engage, but don't do your assignments, you won't be successful long term. The assignments are part of the process. It leads to better understanding of yourself and your partner.
5. If you don't prioritize the therapy and schedule it in to your life, then you will miss appointments. We choose what is valuable by our actions. You are telling your spouse and therapist that this isn't important. Why continue to waste your money?
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6. If you are inflexible with your thinking and unwilling to make changes, you are wasting your money with therapy. Therapy is all about changing one's self. If you think you are perfect and don't need to make changes, then therapy most likely will not be effective.
7. If you don't believe in therapy or you think its voodoo, most likely it will not work for you. Couples must embrace the therapy and believe it will help them restore communication.
8. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend and are in marital therapy with your spouse, get rid of the girlfriend/boyfriend first. Otherwise therapy will not be successful.
9. If you go to therapy, but let your spouse do all the talking, therapy most likely will not be successful. The therapist needs to hear from both of you about how you feel. If you have difficulty expressing yourself with words, ask the therapist if you can write what you want to say. The therapist wants to help you communicate. They don't care if you talk, write, or act out your emotions.
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10. If you have great difficulty laughing at yourself, therapy is going to be very difficult. You may still be successful, but it won't be as enjoyable.
Therapy is one of the greatest opportunities a couple can venture into. It offers an atmosphere of complete honesty, confidentiality, and openness. Where else can you go and talk candidly about you as a couple and get objective guidance? Just remember therapists cannot read your mind. When a therapist joins your marriage team, you should feel supported enough to take risks. You should be able to be totally open and honest with your partner with the intention of creating the best marriage possible.
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