The Wolf of Wall Street
1. Not since Requiem for a Dream have drugs looked so unfun.
2. This was billed as a black comedy. Which part was supposed to be funny, again?
3. Okay, so the part where Jonah Hill whips out his (prosthetic) dong in the middle of a party and starts jacking off to a female guest was kind of funny, but only because we think that Jonah Hill is the kind of guy who would never do something like this, which means it's kind of funny to think of him filming the scene with a straight face. (Alright, alright, the scene where a stockbroker makes fun of Steve Madden shoes is kind of funny, too.)
4. We don't have the same warm fuzzy feelings about Leonardo DiCaprio and the ladies, which makes his performance extra, er,convincing (you're totally right: we mean extra icky).
5. Apparently, back in the '80s, pro dommes didn't take safewords seriously.
6. "Wolfie" is a terrible safeword.
7. The scenes of DiCaprio and Hill doing drugs together are a hell of a lot more intimate than any of the sex scenes.
8. If you're whacked out on quaaludes, cocaine can instantly transform you into the kind of hero who saves his buddy's life via mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (see #7, above). Just like Popeye's spinach!
9. STDs used to be a lot funnier.
10. Not since The Accused has sex looked so unfun.