Given the first comment on here...I'm not sure the guy read the post all the way through, but it's actually an excerpt from a book I wrote. The book is aimed at people who are completely distraught after getting dumped by a guy and can't seem to get over it and keep calling and texting, even though they know they shouldn't and regret that they did it afterward.
A lot of breakup books stress that you should immediately and completely have no contact with your ex while you endeavor to recover from the breakup. And we, too, subscribe to that theory - with a caveat. We advise you to avoid your ex for at least the first two weeks after the big "B" day (breakup day). Then, after you've been successful, we suggest that you speak with him for the sole purpose of seeking closure. After that, you can continue on your journey to recovery. I know what you're thinking: "Well, we said that we're going to be friends. I shouldn't avoid him. This, therefore, doesn't apply to me."
Sure. You're going to be "friends."
Ask yourself these questions and be honest:
•Do you only want to be his friend because you dream of getting back together?
•Do you only want to be his friend because you want to sleep with him again and wake up in his arms one last time?
•Do you only want to be his friend because you wish to torture yourself by listening to the gory and intimate details about his dating life?
•Do you only want to be his friend because you're secretly plotting your revenge?
Chances are that you said yes to one of these questions. Maybe you also believe that avoidance is crazy or just plain cruel. Fine. Be his friend like 6 months from now if keeping him in your life is that important to you. But if your sanity is equally as important, we advise you to stay away from him for awhile. If he asks why you've fallen off the face of the earth, just tell him the truth. If he really wants to be your friend, he'll understand.
It's not unreasonable to ask for space. If he gets angry with you over your need for time to yourself, then we suggest you question his intentions for asking you to be his friend.
Friends respect one another. Hopefully he will respect your right to grieve.
A man, yes, a man, on the BrokenHeartedGirl.com forum said the funniest thing: "Having the love of your life leave you and say, 'we can still be friends' is like your dog dying and your mom saying 'you can still keep it'."
How very true.
So let's focus on you...
Here are some basic avoidance tactics:
Establish your support network.
First thing in the morning, call or email a few girlfriends that will support you - even if you're a crying, blubbery, neurotic mess. Let's face it: some girlfriends are like sisters while others are just "bar friends." Pick the ones that are closest to you and ask them for their help. Don't be proud. They are your friends and we're sure they will be more than willing to have your back.
Now tell them the plan: they are going to play defense against your offense 24/7, for two weeks straight. When you're itching to call him, you'll call all of them instead. When you're dying to email him, you'll email all of them instead. Their job is to simply respond to you and talk you out of it.
Join a cyber support network.
When you sense you're testing the limits of your friends' good natures log on to the forum at BrokenHeartedGirl.com and speak with other women whom are just as anxious to call an ex. It may help to speak with someone going through the same anguish. It'll help even more to speak with others whom are working through the same book. You already have something in common. We've broken the ice for you.
Do whatever you have to do.
A support network alone isn't going to save you from your anxiety. A lot of people feel like they are going crazy when experiencing "ex-withdrawal."To some extent, everyone goes a little mad during this stage. Here are some tricks to help you get through the day:
• Step away from the computer. When you're at your wits' end and feel like you absolutely, positively have to send that email - even after everyone in your support network has tried to talk you out of it - take a walk. Like they say in the movies, "Step away from the gun!" Just get up and leave your desk. You can head to the water cooler and listen to some office gossip (always fun), or step outside and get some fresh air.
• Log off IM and delete your ex from your buddy list. As painful as it is, there's no need to see when he's online now that he's not a part of your life.
• Write down the worst thing he ever said to you and post it on/near your computer monitor. Every time you get an urge to make contact, read that piece of paper. It will hurt to read it, but those nasty words will help you realize what a jerk he can be - ultimately leading to the realization that he's not perfect.
• Ditch the cell phone. When you're at home and want to call him, go for a drive without your cell phone. Go see a movie without your cell phone. Go to a friend's house without your cell phone. Duct tape your cell phone inside a drawer and just check your voicemail messages from your home phone. Give your cell phone to a friend for the night. Donate your cell phone to the homeless. Just do whatever it is that you have to do to avoid calling or texting him.
• Don't answer his phone calls. Maybe he's trying to be the "good guy." Maybe he's just trying to sleep with you. Maybe he wants to get back together. Whatever his reasons for calling, don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail and after you listen to what he has to say, then you can decide whether or not to return the call. We suggest that unless he says he wants to get back together, you should just wait.
Chances are you'll call him back anyway and end up back at square one. But that's okay. It's hard to ignore someone when they are reaching out to you. Our point is, just be aware of his intentions and try not to place too much importance on the call.
• Delete your ex from your Facebook and MySpace pages. Then, stay away from his Facebook and MySpace pages and internet dating profiles (yes, we know you're glancing at those too). Checking up on your ex's "new life" is not going to accelerate the healing process. You need time to swallow the breakup and accept it. Internet stalking, so to speak, is not going to accelerate the grieving process.
• Stay away from your ex's hangouts. Perhaps they may have been your hangouts together, but right now that's all semantics. Avoid the bars, restaurants, the grocery stores, dog runs, and jogging trails he frequents. You don't need to do this forever. Just for now. If you have to drive an extra five minutes to go to another grocery store, then do it.
• Go to lunch with someone else. If you and your ex used to go to lunch together every day, start a new tradition. Maybe for the first few days, or weeks, you'll choose to cry at your desk during your lunch hour. But eventually, you'll get the strength up to actually eat. Call your friends and/or coworkers and institute a new lunch routine - one that doesn't involve your ex.
• Invest in a timer. Set it for one hour. Then clean the house, call your friends, read a book or play with your pets. When the timer goes off, see if the urgency to call him has subsided. If not, set the timer again for another hour. Record the length of time it took for the urge to pass. It could be 3 hours or it could be 20 minutes.
Do this every day if you need to. Eventually the urge to call will pass altogether and you'll have a record of your progress
Read the rest of this chapter by ordering The Breakup Workbook: A Common Sense Guide to Getting Over Your Ex from Amazon.com today, or visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com.