I've never pursued a relationship with a guy because of his career. They've certainly tossed around fancy job titles and flashed the accoutrements of wealth purchased because of their swanky positions, and I guess that was supposed to impress me.
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But it never worked. In fact, I only remember being wowed one time and that was by the watch this dude was waving around as he gestured for my number. That thing had more diamonds than I have strands of hair and they were sparkling under the summer sun. I was mesmerized.
But I still didn't give him my number.
Yes indeedy, it would have been nice if some of the has-beens on my resume, from guys I flirted heavy with to the dreaded daughter's father, would've had careers that somehow came in handy. So I compiled this list, a little collective of professionals that - should I ever find myself single again - I can sniff out as a resource to find potential dates. A gal can use all the help she can get.
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- Financial planner. He's always looking toward the future. You can't help but make plans to grow old with him.
- Airline ticket agent. Fly the friendly skies for free.
- Bruno Mars' road manager. Uhhh, I just really like that little dude.
- Plumber. Actually any home repairman who charges on an hourly basis. I say make love, not bills.
- Defense attorney. In case something goes wrong.
- Bail bondsman. In case something goes really wrong.
- Judge. In case something goes really, really wrong.
- Animator. Cartoons these days suck. I have some ideas to make them better. I just need someone who can put this childish vision into action.
- Ticketmaster agent. Those fees add up quick. Tickets are like $30 but handling charges rack up to like another 20 bucks! A loverboy discount? Don't mind if I do.
- H&M/Macy's/Marshall's/Foot Locker cashier. 'Nuff said.
- Mechanic. The kind of sexy pillow talk I only dream of: hey babe, my car makes a scrapey, screechy, whirring, cranky noise when I accelerate. Can you take a look?
- Chef. Three words: pan-seared scallops. One more word: mmmm.
- Locksmith. Save $45 a year because there's no need for AAA.
- Accountant. Because balancing a checking account can be too tedious for one person to do alone.
- Cop. Who doesn't want to live above the law? Or at least with it.
- Wal-Mart associate. Low prices can always get lower, you know what I mean?
- Exterminator. They cost so doggone much, you might as well date him.
- Massage therapist. You don't keep him around because he sings pretty, that's for sure.
- Bench-warming professional athlete. He still brings home a sweet salary and the thicket of groupies isn't as ... thick.
- Security guard at Tiffany's. Who'll ever know that he lets you and your friends sneak in after-hours and play dress-up for a little bit.
- Handyman. Besides the obvious sexual innuendo, he really can fix anything around the house.
- Martial arts instructor. It's always nice to threaten that your boyfriend can beat someone's behind and actually know that he can.
- Teacher. After a hard day, who feels like helping kids with their algebraic equations or multiplication tables? At least that's his job.
- IRS official. That's right, baby. Make the pain go away. April 15 is just another day whenever you're around.
- Politician. Sure, he may have visible difficulty not screwing his interns-or, apparently, his housekeeper-but at least he has the power to pull some strings in between pulling his foot out his mouth.
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What are some other jobs that come in handy to a woman about the world?
Image via philcampbell/Flickr
Written by Janelle Harris for CafeMom's blog, The Stir.
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