29 Surprising Perks of Getting Dumped, from Two Hilarious Ex-Experts

By Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal for HowAboutWe

Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth RosenthalMaryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal are the authors ofDUMPED, a breakup bible for women to get off their asses and over their exes in record time.

DUMPED disclaimer: Any reference to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

1. Way to goooooo - you get to do all the shit he didn't wanna do like watch The Bachelorette, Mad Men, and every frickin' housewives show on Bravo, without his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

2. Ahhhhh a restful sleep without his snoring, breathing, and farting all through the night - sounds like a plan!

3. Now you can dress like a sexy slut without hearing from the peanut gallery - yay!

4. How nice to pee and shit with the door open, huh??!

5 . Try some anonymous sex with a big stud why don'tcha?! Safely, of course!

6. Holy Jesus, you never have to hear about his fuckin' motorcycle anymore or the words "vroom vroom". Seriously who says that???

7. No more report cards the next morning after a night of partying. We hereby give you an automatic A++ forever!

8. Read your trashy novels and/or DUMPED until 3am with the lights on and your handy dandy pocket rocket ready at a moment's notice!

9. To never have to take his mood temperature again is simply…HEAVEN.

10. To never have to clip his huge hairy ears (yes, one of us did this) OR nair his grizzly adams back (yes, another one of us did that).

11. HELLOOOOO!!!! You never have to repeat yourself 5 times because he's NOT LISTENING and just mumbling, "Huh?"

12. Sure as shit never seeing his brother's balls hanging out of his underwear is a thrill in itself.

13. No more cringing at hearing his mommy call your moody man, "Sunshine" when you visit her moth-eaten house filled with miniature angels.

14. Sayonara to draggin' his ass to stuff he really didn't wanna do. Embrace going on your own free of "baggage".

15. Hallelujah! You don't have to endure lengthy bitch sessions about the city you live in and still love!

16. Put those pom poms down, chica! You're done cheering him on when he can't get it up! It's really NOT okay when it's all the time!

17. Bliss! You never have to see him take a dump with the door open EVER AGAIN!

18. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you can start raising your standards!

19. Screw anybody who has a problem with you being a lot of girl!

20. Hell yeah, you've been given a gift - A brand-spankin'-new lease on life!! Congratulations!

21. NO MORE CRUMBS - you deserve the LOAF!

22. Seize the moment and paint your apartment bordello RED with leopard accents and trash his ugly ass reading/masturbation chair.

23. Try fucking someone who speaks Greek the whole time you're doing IT - HOT!

24. You're not committed to blowing him anymore just cuz he grudgingly took you to see the Book Of Mormon.

25. You get to stir up trouble with old "friends" on facebook - guilt free!

26. How fun to travel to all the places he wouldn't go to and stay for a few months at a time - you're on YOUR schedule now, doll!

27. Woooohooooo no more waxing for no reason.

28. You're freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

29. And finally, get your ass out and have those fabulous cocktails with all your friends he hated and toast the mutha fucka' for doing you a favor!

Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal are the authors of DUMPED, a breakup bible for women to get off their asses and over their exes in record time. AVAILABLE NOW. Find, tweet , facebook , whatever them… they're very friendly. See their trailer tooooo!