What Exactly Are You Staying Together For?
Posted by Demetri Raftopoulos for BounceBack.com
I never understood why two people, unhappy with each other and their relationship, stayed together. It boggled my mind. Well -- up until now. Dig deep enough, you'll find what you are looking for. Talk to an abundance of people and you'll uncover manifold ways the mind works. Be around it and you're indulged.
Ultimately, if you are unhappy there should be no reason to stick around. That's the narrow-minded, one-sided, and trapped in a box way to look at it. If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? If you're unhappy do something about it, right?
Right. But, as is everything else in life, sticking around is situational and relational. You obviously stick around for a reason. Here is a look at three huge reasons why people stick around and stay together.
This may very well be the most obvious of the reasons. Kids open up your eyes, giving you a whole different perspective on life, altering what's important. Do you think any mother wants her children to grow up without a father…or vice versa? Evidently not. Hypothetically speaking, you're unhappy, you have children and the unhappiness does not go away. What's more important? What becomes number one?
The children of course.
Watching something you created, in this case a human, can make even the strongest of people cry, losing the battle with their own emotions and tear ducts. It truly is a beautiful thing. I'll let you know how beautiful as soon as I have children of my own. But regardless, relationship problems will undoubtedly be put on hold when a child or two or three are put into the equation.
Children can also provide that dangerous sense of hope, leaving two people with something else to cling on to for dear life. If we are going to raise a child together, why can't we coexist? It doesn't always work out that way, hence the abundance of divorces occurring daily, you get my point. Who really wants to deal with the remorse of abandonment the rest of their lives?
Staying together for the kids. It happens every day.
The Fear of Being Alone
At the end of the day, everyone just wants to have someone they can call their own. This one is pretty simple as well. When you spend significant time with a member of the opposite sex and build a connection, it becomes pretty tough to envision life without them. It isn't such an easy picture to paint anymore. It becomes difficult to grasp, unable to text/call them when something reminds them of you or unable to go places you normally go to with them.
As individuals, we become comfortable, almost complacent, in relationships…especially when they go on for a substantial amount of time. How do you escape from that comfort? How do you rid yourself of that complacency?
Even when we are unhappy, being alone is still the worst thing in the world. Even in an unhealthy environment, filled with negativity, a world does not exist where you are not with that "special" someone. Even when times are the toughest, you'd rather face an obstacle with someone than face it alone.
None of that is true obviously. Being alone can be the most rewarding thing in the world…self discovery, independence. A world most definitely exists without that "special" someone. And even when times are tougher than they have ever been, an obstacle is easily faced solo.
Fear In General
Now this is where we get a little dark. Afraid of being alone is one thing. Afraid of what may happen to you when you break up is a completely different thing. A lot of this may sound like I'm spewing outrageous absurdities, exaggerating the truth. That's fine. If you make that assumption, you're half right. A lot of what I am about to say is exaggerated, outrageous absurdities. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
I hope none of you have ever accidentally stepped in quick sand. Quick sand scares the crap out of me. You're helpless with no way out. That is pretty much the way you will feel in a relationship where your partner is abusive and threatening. This happens all the time. Forget feeling sorry for those afraid of being alone.
Every time you face the abuse or the threats, the quick sand sucks you in deeper and deeper. The sand thickens around your body, cutting off circulation. Your breathing constricts. Your screams turn to faint whispers, heard -- by no one. You're not fighting back, even with your sense of helplessness. You've submitted to the quick sand, letting it take you.
Dramatic? Eh. I don't think so. Getting out of an abusive relationship may seem incredibly easy. Throw in the kids, the fear of being alone, and the abuse. We are in a whole different ballpark. It truly is an inexplicable concept. How easily irreparable we let everything become. Need I say more?
Sometimes sticking it out is admirable. Sometimes it is responsible. Other times it can be out right stupid. But that is why perfect relationships do not exist. That is why the word perfect does not exist. Those in a healthy, committed relationship should feel lucky. Those unhappy, stuck in a world of indifference, compromise, and fear, staying together with their significant other for…all or some of the above…well -- it doesn't always have to be that way.
Even when we are at our worst, changing diaper after diaper, scared to roll over in bed onto nothing, knee deep in quick sand, there is always a way out.
Coming Soon! BounceBack's 4 Phase Recovery Program: Developed by a psychologist and customized for you, our 4 Phase Program has everything you need to find happiness after heartbreak.
BounceBack.com helps people find happiness in the right relationship. If you've been through a breakup, divorce, or just haven't been able to find happiness in your love life,BounceBack is a place to tell your story, get community support and advice from experts, and find the confidence and strength you need to move forward. Check out our Facebook page.
More articles on BounceBack.com:
There is Enough Happiness to Go Around
When You Just Want to Punch Something (or Someone)
Is It Okay to Have a Relationship With Your Ex's Family?
You can read other articles from Demetri at http://en.gravatar.com/demetri18#pic-1