Keep the flame burning in your relationship until the end of time!
Are you in a rocky relationship? Feeling resentful, anxious, distant, or lonely in your situation? Whether you have been dating for two months or married for 10 years, things can go south all too easily in a couple. Yet there is nothing quite as painful as when things are falling apart, when you know that your love might be lost forever. Can I turn it all around, you wonder? Is it even possible now?
Well I have some great news for you. It is possible if you have the courage to go for it. All you need to do is follow three simple steps. And pow, you can become super happy with your partner. Here is the three step secret sauce, adapted from my new paperback, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love:
1. Identify what I call your Relationship-Killer Beliefs. These are beliefs like, "All men are jerks," which kick in when you are in love that cause you to go on emotional rants in your mind instead of dealing with what is actually happening. Let's look at a Relationship-Killer belief in action described in an email that Joanne, one of my readers recently sent me:
Dear Dr. Diana,
Sealing the Deal just saved my relationship. I was ready to break up with my boyfriend of 10 months because he was recently divorced and not meeting my emotional needs. I was out of town for the holidays and contemplating if this would be the last time we would be together. When I got to his house, he had a big smile on his face and was so loving… but that wasn't good enough for me. I had to punish him for all the times he wasn't loving, so I was standoffish.
While sitting next to him watching the football game, I began reading your book, Sealing the Deal. I had already read Love in 90 Days. I read for several hours while completely ignoring his love and advances, something I'm always complaining that he doesn't give me enough of. I finally got to the killer beliefs. I had killer belief #5 "This is not exactly right." and #6 "Relationships mean that one person has to give him- or her-self up". But what really hit home was the research that unhappy couples discount their mate's actions because they don't think they have good intentions. BINGO! That has been me all the way. I want my boyfriend to behave a certain way and when he does, instead of encouraging him and being happy, I punish him because he wasn't doing it all along! I am so thankful that he has loved me enough to not throw me out on my butt. The first light bulb just came on!
Because of all my killer beliefs in action we went to bed with a little tension between us. I kept laying there thinking, Joanne, you are so blowing it here. I also kept thinking negatively about my boyfriend laying right next to me and all he doesn't do.
2. After you have identified your Killer Beliefs, like Joanne did, journal about them and compare them to what is truly going on in your relationship. Let's continue with her break through story.
I got up about 3 a.m. because I couldn't sleep because of a sudden headcold. I took your book into the kitchen with me and read it while fixing myself some Theraflu. I wrote all about my Killer beliefs and wrote out a long list of all the great loving things my boyfriend had done. I suddenly felt freed of an enormous burden.
3. Create what I call a Love Intention, which is a one statement affirmation about the kind of super happy relationship you would like to create. If it feels right, also help create one for your partner. Let's see how Joanne did it:
Then I got to the part about creating a Love Intention and focusing on what you "want" instead of what you don't have. I created the love intention, "Jon and I have an exciting, fulfilling, growing, passionate, and nurturing relationship." I kept meditating on this. When I got a negative thought about my boyfriend, I pushed it aside and mentally repeated the intention. Then I decided to make one for my boyfriend who is always trying to explain to me that he loves me but he needs his man time. I went back to bed.
When we woke up I told him about my love intention and that anytime I had a negative thought about him or our relationship that I am going to meditate on my intention instead of what I don't have. Then, I told him that I created one for him to which he quickly replied, "You can't do that." But then I said," Just hear it. I told him that the love intention I created for him was, "Joanne and I have a growing relationship that is balanced with the perfect amount of togetherness and independence." He loved it! He only wanted to add one thing. He said put "happy" in there so that it would read "a growing and happy relationship." He kept saying it over and over until he memorized it. Then he said, "That really empowers me."
The rest of the morning was beautiful. We talked in bed. He made me breakfast. I put on cute clothes, fixed my hair, and put on a little makeup (something he likes). He told me I was so sexy. He was so attentive and loving (what I want). He asked me if I wanted to workout with him at my gym tomorrow (he's hasn't asked me that in 4 months). When I was leaving, he gave me a big hug and told me he'd call me later to see if I needed anything for my cold. Diana, everything I wanted was just materialized by making a shift in my thinking which came from following your book. I now realize that my man isn't the problem, I am the problem! Over analyzing, being negative, and pushing him away.
I am so thankful to your book and that I picked it up and started reading it at just the right time. If not, I would have let this good man go.
So there you have it. Use these three simple steps: identifying your Relationship-Killer Beliefs; journaling about them and what is happening in your relationship; and creating a Love Intention for you (and possibly your partner). Then go ahead and enjoy your super happy love!
For more on Relationship-Killer beliefs, how to go from casual to committed, and how to move from love problems to solutions that deepen any love relationship (even after cheating), pick up a copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love.
Written by Dr. Diana Kirschner for YourTango.com.
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