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    3 Times You Should Compromise If You Love Someone

    By | Love + Sex – Fri, Dec 21, 2012 10:27 AM EST

    Giving in when it will make your guy happy shouldn't kick off Grudgefest 2013. Author Alisa Valdes finally learned how to compromise. REDBOOK.

    My poor ex-husband. When we were together, I refused to ever compromise, right down to insisting on always listening to my music in the car. God help him if he reached for the dial. Raised by feminist academics, I thought compromising was a sexist concept that really just meant women should do anything to please men. Then, a few years after my divorce, I fell for the impressive persistence and otherworldly good looks of Steve, a traditional cowboy I met online. I finally realized that making a relationship work between two people so different would require compromise--lots of it.

    At first, though, I went overboard and gave up too much, like almost letting him talk me into buying the pickup he liked when I really wanted a compact SUV. I failed at healthy negotiation because, like many women, I didn't know what it was. For me, learning when to give in and when not to came down to considering what truly mattered to me and what mattered most to him. The following three rules helped me figure out when to budge and when to stand my ground.

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    1. When it's a culture thing. Steve's rural community has old-fashioned values. For this reason, he asked that I let him drive whenever we went out, and that I wait for him to open my door. I found this completely insulting--I'm as good a driver as he is! But when I realized he felt that it was key to his respectability, and that it didn't diminish mine, I agreed.

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    2. When one person's integrity is at stake. When Steve found out that I had written an erotic novel, he asked me not to release it, because he worried that people would think less of me. For a while I complied, but it bothered me that he was asking me to silence my creativity. Eventually, I released the book and braced for a breakup. He surprised me by understanding and supporting me--a compromise on his part. The book went on to get the best reader reviews of my career.

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    3. When it doesn't matter to you, but it makes your partner happy. Until I met Steve, I rarely went to steak houses. I stuck more to sushi bars and trendy cafes. But Steve loves a T-bone, and hates sushi and trendy cafes. So when we go out to eat, we often have... steak. I don't mind, because I know a big hunk of meat makes him endlessly happy. He makes me endlessly happy, so I figure we're even.

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