Temperatures are rising here at Ask Dad headquarters in LA. Time to hold your men close or cut 'em loose, whichever leads to summer lovin' and havin' a blast. How can I help?
Dear Ask Dad, I'm just not feeling it with my boyfriend of six months. Got a suggestion for how to break it off? I think he's liable to freak.
Ask Dad is an expert in many aspects of love, but breakups have become something of a specialty. We're not exactly George Clooney, but we know how to land a solid dismount. So how about instead of one line to use, we give you 30? One for every day of the month. Just in case you have a stalker-type who refuses to go. We'll offer everything from the sweetest to the meanest, should he push you and make you go there.
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1. You've got tiger's blood, I've got plain old people blood. Winning just isn't in the cards for us.
2. I lost all respect for you when I saw the video on YouTube for that godawful song you wrote.
3. I'm sorry, but you just can't seem to keep 'your' and 'you're' straight. We clearly come from different worlds.
4. I'm sorry, but you just can't seem to keep 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're' straight. We clearly come from different worlds.
5. It's not you it's me. And my hatred for assholes.
6. It's not you, it's thee. (Only works for Quakers.)
7. It's not you, it's your disgusting habits. Especially that toenail thing.
8. When you said 'expresso,' I had to throw up right there in the Starbucks bathroom. I can't go through that again.
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9. Really, you had a dream that you were eating sherBERT with Sally FIELDS? It's sherBET and it's Sally FIELD and I'm leaving forever.
10. I found your porn stash, and I never knew what kind of huge options were out there for a lady. So goodbye. And thank you.
11. I feel like your unwillingness to watch Glee with me means you're secretly a huge homophobe.
12. I feel like your unwillingness to watch So You Think You Can Dance with me means you're secretly a huge homophobe.
13. I feel like your unwillingness to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta with me means you're secretly a huge racist.
14. You're wonderful. I just loathe your children.
15. "It's complicated?" Seriously? That's our relationship status? Let me simplify it for you.
16. If you won't be Amish with me, there's nothing else I can do.
17. No, it's not that I want to raise our children Jewish. I just want to raise them not-you-ish.
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18. You've got the face of a future hoarder.
19. Seriously, a princess-cut diamond? I know it cost 10 grand, but you clearly don't know me at all. No, you can't have it back.
20. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. With you.
21. You're perfect. I'm worthless without flaws to fix.
22. Sorry, I had black. I can never go back. I'm bound by the law of sayings. It rhymes and everything!
23. It's not that you shouted out someone else's name in bed. It's that it was my mother's name. Which also happens to be your mother's name.
24. I don't think men should have to wax. So I'm just going to find a hairless guy.
25. I just can't picture you beheading a rapist. And that's what I look for most in a man.
26. I'm sorry, after seeing those kids and their freaky-sweet language, I'm determined to have twins. And multiple births aren't in your lineage.
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27. People change. Except for you.
28. At first I was excited when I found your second cell phone because I thought you might be a drug kingpin, but it turns out you're just a cheating b*st*rd. Boring!
29. I was going through the recycling and I found your Monster and Rockstar cans. I'm sorry, I don't douche. That includes douchey dudes.
30. Your abs are merely rock-hard. I need diamond-hard. Though not princess-cut.
If none of those work, you can always pick out a pretty, well-designed restraining order. They make all kinds to express your particular needs.
And a quick suggestion for the ones getting dumped: Just accept the "It's not you it's me" and walk away. Be glad your lover wanted to let you down easy. Don't force them to be mean. Ask too many questions and you may get some of the above.
Image via Flickr/Flattop341
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