Day 37- Marriage vs. Wedding
My gym friend got mad at me this morning. I'm OK with this as I'm beginning to think I have too many friends, though they do make for amusing anecdotes and personal reflection. But anyway…. She got mad because I said I believe in marriage, but not weddings.
People have become obsessed with weddings. Newsstands are filled with bridal magazines; all filled with glowing images of 5 tier cakes, matching champagne flutes, and extravagantly priced dresses. Brides and grooms are smiling and beaming upon one another. Parents are happy. (I am also beginning to think that magazine layouts are the downfall of modern society) And how many websites are entirely devoted to weddings? How many articles, books, pamphlets, are written exclusively about throwing a very large party to celebrate a union between two? And reality shows? There is not a thing about a courtship, engagement, or marriage that has not been dissected on cable TV.
I have a cousin who got engaged 5 years ago. They spent three months picking out the perfect ring. She bought two different wedding dresses, because she couldn't decide which one was perfect. They took a year and a half planning the picture-perfect wedding: hand written invitations, posh hotel on a stunning beach, 6 bridesmaids in ghastly dresses, tuxedoed guests, 7 courses, 250 individually decorated cupcakes. The marriage lasted 3 months. 3 months. They were divorced before their first anniversary.
Unfortunately, this is not the only case of this that I have heard or witnessed. Person A dates Person B for a few months, and everyone is asking "Do you think you'll get married?" Everyone is obsessed with the act of getting married, not actually being married. And it doesn't matter your age, race, religion or socio-economic background- the race to the altar shows no discrimination.
I believe that the day one gets married should be the happiest day of their life, not because they had a huge party, but because they are marrying the person they love, and that this is the beginning of a wondrous journey. How many brides must be sedated because they are so overwrought with anxiety? I know women who lost 10 pounds between the final dress fitting and the wedding, and it was only a week. I knew of one who started to lose her hair. Friends of mine wanted to put signs on the table, "Paid for by Citi" because they went into so much debt. How many couples have uttered the words "______ ruined my big day!!!" When someone says the words, "My wedding was the best day of my life", let it be while gazing at their beloved with the same joy as before, not with the wistfulness of someone who doesn't think things will get any better.
People should think more about the day after "I Do". What if people spent 18 months planning a life together instead of planning for one day? I don't think people ponder married life- the routine that sets in, just because life can get predictable. No one actually thinks about how children will affect a relationship, and it does. Life is filled with ups and downs, and in a relationship you have to ride this roller coaster, you can't stand on the side. Marriage is not meant for the single rider line. Marriage is a minimum two riders per cart. Why don't the magazines and websites, articles and TV shows stress this more?
But back to my friend: she got mad because I told her I have absolutely no intention of paying for my daughter's wedding, whenever that may occur. (For the record, I have absolutely no idea how we began discussing this while we were on the ellipticals) She said I have no respect for tradition and doesn't understand how I could deprive my daughter of this rite. I tried to explain to her that if my daughter wishes to have a large wedding, she is free to plan and pay for it as she sees fit. My hope is that my daughter will rationally think about what marriage means, that the prize is not a 2 carat ring and a 10 piece band, but finding one's soul mate. I want to see my daughter happy- whether she gets married on a beach in Antigua, a judge's chamber, or a huge reception hall- if she chooses to get married at all.
Of course my relationships, background, life experience have shaped this view I hold. I don't know if I'm right or wrong: I just know how I feel. Have I become too hardened?
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