By Ariane Marder Kaufman, Glamour magazine
Confession: I'm away on a work trip, and I keep making excuses to sneak back to my room to read Fifty Shades of Grey. And let's just say I get why it has such a humongous fan base. Despite the contrived plot and ho-hum writing, the book has my imagination on overdrive. So, in order to figure out a way to harness this newfound psychic energy I turned to sexologist Dr. Logan Levkoff for advice on how to tap into our mental sauciness and get it working for us in bed.
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Below are four tips for embracing fantasy in the bedroom:
1. Let go of the guilt.
The other night I dreamed about making out with Ryan Gosling, who was also my stepbrother. But, turns out, this kind of thing happens, and I don't need to feel like I'm the worst girlfriend in the world when my subconscious gets all promiscuous on me. "Most women believe that if they're fantasizing about someone else then there's something wrong in the relationship," says Dr. Levkoff. Not true. "You're married [or in a relationship]; you're not dead!"
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2. Understand that a fantasy is just that-a fantasy.
Just because he's imagining it, doesn't mean he's going to act on it. "The brain is our biggest sexual organ and we should use it. We don't control what turns us on, and it doesn't mean that if he's imagining a threesome that he wants it in reality." Fantasy is an essential part of our sexuality, and there's a huge difference between imagining it and wishing it would happen.
3. Talk it out.
Share your fantasies. According to Dr. Levkoff, the most common fantasies are sex with a stranger, public sex, sex with a celebrity, threesomes, group sex, sex with the same sex, and playing with themes of submission and domination. Don't know how to broach the subject with your man? You can always preface your conversation with "This is hard for me to tell you because it makes me feel squeamish and embarrassed, but sometimes I fantasize about...." Most likely you'll find that your honesty (and active imagination) is a major turn on. Plus, he'll be more inclined to let you in on the stories going on inside his head.
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4. Use the tools available to you.
If you can't summon the guts to bring it up the way I suggested above, Dr. Levkoff recommends reading aloud passages from erotica as a good opener. "It can be much easier when the words you're saying are not your own." Another option is "to act out a sexy scene from your favorite movie since the template is already in place." This is also a good time to brush up on your role playing. The doctor/nurse scenario is always a good standby, but even a good bit of dirty talk can get the mind-and body-racing.
What do you feel about sexual fantasies? Do you feel guilty when you think of someone else or do you let your imagination run wild? How do you feel about discussing one another's fantasies? Do you think it could spice up your sex life?