The 5 Biggest Lies Hollywood Tells Us About Marriage, Sex, Kissing and More
Sex and Hollywood aren't really my normal topics, but I figured I'd get this down now while I'm thinking about it. There are a few (okay...many) things that bother me about Hollywood, but my biggest problem is with all the lies they tell. Obviously movies are one giant lie after another - about pretty much everything - but they can be a nice way to escape reality, at least for a moment. I've compiled a few of the WORST cinematic offenses, and I'm here to offer comfort to those of you who aren't "Hollywood-perfect", those of you who are lumpy, bumpy, lopsided, puffy, and into weird stuff, whether you care to admit it or not.
Swimming
Actresses can come out of the pool glowing and gleaming with their slicked back hair, glossy eyelashes and tan, dripping skin. Chances are, you and everyone you know look like drowned rats coming out of the pool, which is why we're all friends and don't hang out on movie sets or Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue shoots.
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Sex
Here's the thing, sex in movies is a total lie. Hollywood actors never have stray body hairs, lumpy bums or lopsided boobs. Real sex can be awkward, smelly, sticky, noisy, uncomfortable and, even when done right, can look downright stupid. In real life, clothes do not come off with grace and ease, and shoving someone against a wall generally leads to a headache or teeth knocking into each other. And don't even get me started with sex on the beach. I've had sand stuck in plenty of places, and I can assure you the last place I want sand is down there. Add in the risk of saltwater, a stray seashell or worse, a crab? Just keep it on solid surfaces, kids.
Kissing
Hollywood kissing is usually pretty unrealistic. Kissing underwater is a giant lie, nearly impossible and the farthest thing from romantic I can imagine. Also, people cannot kiss first thing in the morning. I don't care if you're both dentists with impeccable dental hygiene - you don't suck face as soon as you turn over in bed, not only because you have swamp mouth but also because you're generally going to look like crap in the morning.
Pregnancy
Pregnancy is full of farts, discomfort, sweat, bodily functions, and weird discharge. The next time you see a fashionable Hollywood starlet who is pregnant, just remember this: someday she'll end up staring down her own mucous plug, and no assistant is going to be able to do that for her. As for the fake pregnant women in television and movies - WE GET THAT YOU'RE PREGNANT, you don't need to keep your hand on your fake belly ALL THE TIME. Quit it, you look ridiculous. And don't even get me started on Hollywood birthing scenes...
Related: 13 tips for snagging a man (circa 1938)
Fetishes
Hollywood can make fetishes look really good. I mean, not good as in, "Hey! That looks like something I'd like to get into!" but good as in, "Well I guess really rich and handsome billionaires are into S&M too!" I'm sure some of them are, but there are probably a lot more "normal" looking people who are into bondage than 6'0″ Amazonian women in patent leather and their beefcake, chain-wearing partners. Sexual fetishes are definitely not a rare thing; I bet more of your friends are into them than you think.
We're all a little weird and we're all a little lumpy in places, and we have to remember that we're the majority. The people parading in front of us on television, in the movies, and in magazines...those are the real freaks. They willingly submit themselves to high colonics and plastic surgery in a futile attempt to convince us that we're the abnormal ones.
I'm onto you Hollywood; I'm not falling for any of it.
- By Casey Mullins
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Casey Mullins is a writer, photographer and nice person living with her husband and two little ladies in the corn fields of Indiana. Her unintentional authenticity and accidental honesty about depression, infertility, and personal struggles has allowed her to speak to the hearts of many on her personal blog moosh in indy.
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