Carrie knows about revenge fantasies
by Gena Kaufman
I am not above a revenge fantasy. Imagining causing some serious destruction to the guy who wronged you can be so satisfying, it makes for great TV, and it's also better than an Angry Girl Rock playlist as motivation to burn off all those breakup doughnuts at the gym.
But I can't believe it when I read stories of people who went through with it. Are they sometimes funny? Yes. Case in point: This Craigslist ad in Canada posted by a woman selling all her husband's belongings after discovering he was cheating on her. (Sample line: "Don't come too early (like he did).) But are they also kind of sad and sometimes, downright horrifying? YES.
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You guys, seriously. Friends don't let friends do dramatic breakup revenge schemes. No matter how good of an idea it seems at the time, or how satisfying it feels in the direct aftermath, it's always going to bite you in the bitter butt. Let's take a look at just a few of the reasons why it's basically the worst idea since hooking up with the ex you once wanted revenge on:
1) It might just make your ex feel justified for whatever he did.
Because now he can act like you're the crazy one. Ugh.
2) For that matter, it really does say something about your ability to handle a crisis. I'm not calling you crazy, but...I'm not calling you mature and well-adjusted either
3) It will become a part of your history too. Do you really want one of your Google results to be "Ex-Girlfriend Superglues Man's Penis To His Barca Lounger To Punish Him For Laziness"? I mean, it's great for me if you do that, because it's a story. But it's not so beneficial for your future career prospects, I'd guess.
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4) It makes you seem undateable to other people. Norah Ephron once said "Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from," and you don't want to be that guy (or girl). No matter how bad the previous situation, it's going to make people question how you'll behave in the next breakup.
5) Consequences might be way higher than you intend. Maybe you really believe he deserves some humiliation, but some crazy revenge schemes can go way further than you might have intended. People can get injured, or lose their jobs over personal situations, or worse. You might be think what you're doing is basically harmless (or be too mad right now to care) but if it really causes damage, you'll eventually regret it.
6) You could hurt other people. Speaking of the consequences you might not intend, you probably won't just hurt your ex. For example, in the Craigslist ad example, the kids of that ex-couple in the Craigslist ad. Ouch, do they really need to have their parents' disintegrating marriage memorialized on the Internet?
7) It sets you up for personal failure. Yes, after a breakup, you might need to spend some time being furious. That's fine and can help you move on. But if you concentrate all your energies on hate instead of healing, you're going to become a person you don't like very much.
So seriously, all scorned lovers of the world: Plot your revenge, tell your friends about it, write in in your diary...and then forget about it and move on with your life.
Right, you guys? We all secretly think of these things in our heads, but doing them is a terrible, terrible idea! Have you ever tried to get revenge on an ex? Has anyone ever done something awful to you?
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