Jokes from Gabrielle Union, Keri Russell, Amber Heard and more
By Lauren Passell for HowAboutWe
Esquire always runs jokes from funny women -- which is important, because being beautiful and funny isn't easy! Can these women do it? You tell us! Here are 10 of our favorite:
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.
A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."
"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves." "Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too." "Nah, I'd rather not -- the police will be here soon."
A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. The blond starts sobbing uncontrol-lably. Confused, her husband says, "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved." After a few moments, the blond, still crying, asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
A man thinks he is a dog, so he goes to see a psychiatrist. "It's terrible," says the man. "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I can't go past a lamppost anymore." "Okay," says the psychiatrist. "Get on the couch." The man replies, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
What did the elephant say to the naked guy? "Fine, but can it pick up peanuts?"
Related: 6 Tips For An Awesome Quickie
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house."
An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, "Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything holy, he is your son." Then he passed away. The wife then said, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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