Hi Dr. Kate,
What should a woman do to be aroused completely for her partner when they want to have sex?
Raring to Go
Even though "sex" encompasses a whole range of acts, I'm guessing you're talking about intercourse. I'm glad to talk about arousal, because I think that insufficient arousal is one of the biggest causes of pain and discomfort during sex. But arousal is a tricky thing, and it's different for every woman. Some women want lots of non-sexual touching, others want serious clitoral stimulation. You'll know best for your body what works to get you tingling, but some general thoughts...
1. Be focused. It's easy to have your mind in different places (thinking about work, the kids, other sources of stress) instead of on the task at hand. So try to leave all worries outside the bedroom door.
2. Have time. Many women can't always (or ever) get aroused quickly as men, so make sure you've got lots of time to spend together. I don't mean 3 hours, but at least 30-45 minutes or more.
3. Take time. Many women need more foreplay than their partners, some as long as 20-30 minutes or more. Take plenty of time to kiss, touch, etc. before starting intercourse. If he seems eager to get to the main event, tell him how much better it will be for both of you if you're totally ready.
4. Wait until you're ready. The two physical signs of arousal are increased lubrication, and blood flowing to your pelvis -- giving you a full, warm, engorged feeling. However, lubrication may not always be the best indication of your arousal (due to age, medication, time of the month, etc.), so there's nothing wrong with adding some purpose-made lube to make things feel even better. And of course, most importantly, make sure you're mentally ready.
5. Consider coming first. Having an orgasm before intercourse ensures your arousal. Unlike the great majority of men, most women can still have -- and enjoy -- intercourse after they climax. And since about 70 percent of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone, you'll be making sure you get yours.
How do you know when you're ready for sex?
Related: I'm Afraid My First Time Will Hurt
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