Bachelor Recap: Episode 8 is when We Meet a Unicorn, Harry and Margie, and What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

You guys are leaving me with the guy who's taking pictures of my butt? Real nice.

It is writ in Bachelor law that no Fantasy suite card may be exchanged before everyone is reminded what parents look like. And so became what is now known as Hometown Dates. The episode where we meet out contestants' makers is arguably the best of each season and it's the chance we get to justify their behavior based on childhood home decorating.

HOMETOWN DATE 1: Lindzi
The last unicorn
Off the bat, we learn that Ocala, Florida is an enchanted valley of unicorns, rolling hills and the two coolest parents ever. As forest creatures graze and nuzzle into Harry and Margie laps, the foursome sip wine and prepare for an evening of s'mores. The first 20 minutes of the episode was like watching the puppy bowl. It feels real good. Note to Harry and Margie if you're reading this: if you ever consider starting a cult and are looking for some followers, I'll drop everything.
Here nobody ever cries or feels sad and everyone eats marshmallows all day long.
The only challenge Ben must face involves clown-nosed cones and some carriage racing.
Lindzi needs to know ben can ride a joogilymill and win at podlyhop if he's to have her hand in marriage.
Ben mistakes Harry and Margie's generosity and warmth for a parent teacher conference. He tells them he's concerned about Lindzi's lack of experience in terms of long-term relationships, but he commends them on the fine job they've done raising their child with such polished manners.

HOMETOWN DATE 2: KACIE B
This doesn't do it for Ben.
Fan favorite Kacie B. greets Ben with a marching band, twirling a baton. It's a nice try, but he just came from Narnia so everything else is kind of a snooze.

[BEN'S RESPONSE'S TO KACIE'S HEARTFELT FAMILY HISTORY IN CAPS]
Kacie B. picked this field to baton twirl because these kids could get to it, and also because it's named after her grandpma. UH-HUH. See he was very important WOW to her and his love story GREAT-GREAT with her grandma is dear to her heart. SO COOL. I BROUGHT WINE. WANT SOME?
Should we just order dinner from the local funeral home florist?
Kacie B's dad is a probation officer who doesn't drink, so Ben and his housewarming gift are off to a bad start.
You know my daughter's last name isn't B, right?
Ben would not do well in a job interview. During a heart to heart with Kacie's dad, Ben says the exact words any dad would cringe over. " I do have strong feelings for your daughter...and all these other women. That's why this is so difficult." Save it for Brad's shrink, buddy.
Salon hair
As this awkward exchange is going on, we cut to Ben during a post-interview after he's gotten a keratin treatment.

HOMETOWN DATE 3: NIKKI
Are my side pieces okay?
Fresh from the salon and a therapy session with Kacie B's dad, Ben is ready to harness his inner-cowboy. Texas native Nikki (and a few producers) think it would be funny to get Ben all cowboy-ed up. Ben agrees, but he doesn't know why everyone's laughing.
Yeah kind of like those, but I'm looking more for a boot with the Little Prince standing on his planet.

Ben tries on cowboy boots that remind him of his favorite night light.

Ben's a weird clapper. There I said it.
With all this commotion, we almost missed a plum opportunity to analyze Ben's weird clap. It's like he only lets the balls of his palms touch, while his fingers hyper-extend backwards.

Yeah, yeah, parent stuff, love. What's that?
Back at Nikki's house, we meet her family and they're just swell. But who can pay attention to any of that when there's this tiny TV with lots of knobs and buttons sitting right behind the couch.

Two thoughts: it's a long-distance transmitter used to communicate with Russian submarines and extra-terrestrials or it's one of those $400 karaoke machines I sometimes ogle at on Amazon. Either way, I bet one of those buttons leads to a Peter Cetera song.

HOMETOWN DATE 4: Courtney
White horse
At all four hometown dates, Ben has arrived in a white SUV, like it's 2002. Because of rights issues, we can only assume the thong song is bumping through the sub-woofer.

We'll be having pin cushions for dessert kids!
At Courtney's family home in Arizona, everyone sits down for a lunch of Cactus needles and pricked throat blood.
Courtney's dad is life's game show host
Courtney's dad has been running lines for days and he nails it on the first take when he says "Ben are you ready to take that bet?" Nobody's sure what he's talking about but it seems like he's about to bring out some women with numbered briefcases.

Courtney has a heart to heart with her sister allowing us to see what looks like an album cover from the $1 box at the Salvation Army. Was Courtney almost the next Taylor Dayne and we didn't even know it?

Sure honey. You're in love like you said.
Courtney's mom tries not to let on that she thinks this whole Bachelor thing is a bad idea. But like her daughter, her involuntary mouth movements say it all. Also what says it all? Her mom saying, "I don't believe Courtney's in love with Ben"

We know Ben loves Courtney know. Know why? She's always doing this crazy stuff like tricking him into an impromptu wedding. (Side note: if anyone else did this, they'd so be going home.)
Now just sign your name in blood here and we'll be all set.
But Ben is completely charmed, especially when Courtney brings herself, in between gags, to say she's falling in love with Ben. Look all the other girls did it, what choice did she have?

Scottsdale grafitti punks strike again!


ROSE CEREMONY:
Oh yeah, that happened.
Ben has some thinking to do so he gets the producers to put that Vaseline on the camera so he can recount his flashbacks as if they were Saved-by-the-Bell dream sequences.

It's okay, you'll only be rejecting me and my parents.
As the ladies wait for the rose ceremony, we all know what's going to happen.

Oh hey no problem. Do you mind grabbing my heart. I think it's under your shoe.
At first it seems as if Kacie B will maintain her impeccable composure in the face of a brutal dumping. But there's that the cruel cruel limo ride to come. Watch Kacie play out the five phases of rejection (Sadness, confusion, regret, anger, psychotic break) in under 2 minutes.


P.S. as this whole thing aired, Ben was infiltrated with hater tweets, causing our brave hero to take to twitter and write: "hey. take it eeeeaaaassssy #bachelor." That didn't make him look any better.

Well works done for the day. Lock up will you?
Don't think it wasn't hard for Ben too. It's like, exhausting, dealing with so many other people's emotions when you're trying to sleep with a model. Luckily, he's headed to Switzerland's spa country with the three remaining ladies for some good old fashioned rest and relaxation and what ever this is.


Next week: Ben checks "sex with a model in a pickle barrel" off his leap list.


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