Wow. Something awful must have happened for her to make this face.
The episode starts out with lots of teasers for this moment when Casey S. is sent home in a car that doesn't even look like a limo, while not wearing a cocktail dress. Obviously there's some very serious emergency, a tragedy even, because nobody cries like that over not getting a rose. But first....
Here's where we are in Christopher Columbus terms.
DATE 1: Kacie B
So you guys are coming back in, what, an hour?
Nobody is using the set of "Survivor: Panama" right now, so it's totally free for Ben to test the strength of his relationship with Kacie B. They're left by a helicopter on a private beach paradise without local servants or even a buffet cart. Today they'll "face their fears" and "work together as a team" to open coconuts because "if they can get through this together, they can do anything." Ben brings a machete to their date because he's overreacting about this whole island thing and because nobody ever told him not to bring a machete on a date. Luckily, Kacie B. is distracted by Ben's sexy determination to get coconut water from what might be a dinosaur egg.
Hot coconut face.
Later that night Ben says he wants to "dive in deep" so Kacie opens up about her eating disorder in high school. Ben didn't mean that deep. He was more talking about how sometimes Kacie B has curly hair and how sometimes it's straight. He tells the camera that he's happy "Kacie B. opened up about her eating disorder," but it's a little insensitive that he's still using her last initial.
DATE 2: Da group
Here we go on our rainforest date.
"We're like in a rainforest" says one of the six women on this fine group date.
Meanwhile two fourteen year old girls were awoken by their parents this morning and told to dress in their customary reality show tribal gear and present the man with floppy hair with some fountain pen ink. Then they can go back to playing Angry Birds.
Wait I don't get it. What's she showing?
The women change into beaded halter tops and Courtney doesn't wear a bra, so for the rest of the segment her chest area is blacked out by a bar that sends your imagination into an erotic shopping spiral. Is she wearing nipple cups? A bra with breast-holes? Is it just that her breasts aren't perky? WHAT ARE THEY COVERING?
Meanwhile, oh my god, it was so fun: Everyone got regrettable temporary tattoos and made Esther Williams swimming caps out of real live flowers.
At some point a pigeon stood on her cleavage, but she doesn't want to talk about it.
I feel fuzzy.
Ben didn't bring enough gel on this steamy Panama City night. His hair crisis must have driven him to drink because somebody's all warm and fuzzy on the inside. During some one on one time with Lindzi he slightly slurs his schpeele: "I'm glad to see you open up feelings like a pretty girl to me. Can I call you rose?"
Later that night, coach Ben pulls the Epidemiologist aside and tells her he's happy she's learned a valuable lesson on not ruining the fantasy about the pretty girl who's letting him touch her boobies. Epidemiologist decides to apologize to Courtney. That's when an all-out-balls-to-the-wall-barred- throwdown happens. Courtney vs. the Epidemiologist. Both agree on fair fight with only one weapon: the word 'respect'.
I'm sorry I disrespected you because now I really respect you.
I respect the fact that you acknowledged you respect me as a woman, but I will never not disrespect you.
I'm sorry. I can't say I respect that.
If you're going to disrespect me, at least respect the fact that you've got no respect for yourself.
Oh no she didn't.
Ladies please! Can you agree to disagree to disrespect each other?
I guess I can respect that.
Epidimiologist may have won the battle but she hasn't won the war. Courtney has invited Ben back to her hotel room for some waterless skinny dipping.
This lipstick color is called skinnydip.
Courtney applies the kind of make-up that doesn't make her face look any different. Then she waits but Ben never arrives, because he's a totally upstanding guy. Or because he fell asleep. Member how sleepy he was getting?
If I give you this rose, can I take a five-minute snooze on your lap?
DATE 3: Blakely, Rachel and a Salsa Teacher
Ben has forgotten that it's not his charm, but his entourage of cameras that makes him irresistible to women.
Ben says he feels bad for both incredibly beautiful women because he's planning on judging them heavily all night long. Their first challenge: wear a dress made from Grover and Elmo fur.
So Ben doesn't have to change?
Now it is time to Salsa dance while one person watches and a strange woman screams commands.
Dance! Faster! More Sexually!
Blakely seems to have all the moves actually one in particular where she drops down to her knees and points to Ben's wang with her nose. Rachel becomes a little nervous because as she puts it: "I'm honestly worried that Ben is not seeing through Blakely's sexual dancing." But Rachel has in her possession a secret weapon to win Ben's heart. The ability to not scrapbook.
Do you know how many magic markers I went through to make this? 6.
Just before Ben needs to decide which girl to send home, Blakely pulls her beloved aside in order to show him this project she's been working on during arts and crafts hour. So far it looks like there's margic marker, maybe a little sparkle glue involved.
That's okay but nothing says I love you like a macaroni necklace.
Then pow! Rubber cement! Magazine phrases cut out with scissors and placed at an angle. S--- is about to get real.
Inside of this book, are "some things I see in you that make me feel the way I do," she explains.
Some things about Ben that Blakely has fallen in love with: San Francisco, Scotch, Southern Comfort, San Francisco Giants and Food and Wine.
Although Ben is all of those things, Blakely doesn't capture his "randomness" and "happy!" so she gets booted from B-land.
It's time to find out why Casie makes that face. Chris walks in on the girls during an afternoon hotel room chat and asks to see the one who looks like Paris Hilton and doesn't talk much. Then he very seriously pulls her to the pool area. The sound guy and the camera guy come along, so does a third camera guy to shoot the sound guy and the camera guy.
We feel so serious about this issue, we're willing to break the fourth wall.
How could we not have seen this coming? The Bachelor Franchise verite dump. Midway through any season, Chris has to kick someone off because of their life outside of this fantasy land. It's an opportunity to show viewers they're in on the fact that the show is just a show. It's also a reminder that Ben ain't the only one with the power to giveth and taketh away roseth.
Despite his serious delivery, Chris accuses Casey of something insanely high school. He heard from like three people she's still dating this guy back home named Michael. Michael even called Chris and says they used to hang out every night. According to the doctrine of Chris, you can't have any feelings for anyone at least six weeks before you start the show and meet a total stranger who is dating 25 girls.
Casey explains that it's complicated as relationships are, and that she loved this guy but he didn't want to marry her and they broke up. I believe her, even if she was still in sleeptogetherbutbrokenup mode when she left for the show, but Chris can't even look at her.
Don't mind me. Are those m&m's in that bowl?
He brings her to King Ben's lair where an intimate conversation goes down on a loveseat while Chris waits dutifully on a nearby ottoman. The decision is made. Ben tells his henchman, SEIZE HER!
Hey babe, you're beautiful. You're gonna make some guy very lucky someday.
So that's what this whole thing was about? Phew. I thought something actually bad happened to her.
PRE-ROSE CEREMONY: CPR Lessons from Jamie
Jamie has a problem: she's exceptionally post-modern.
Frustrated by the fact that she's the only one in the house that hasn't kissed Ben, she decides to pull him aside and show him what she would have done to him sexually while actually doing it. (A straddle kiss.) As she's doing it she's also voiding her actions by suggesting they are part of a fantasy that never took place. This girl is so intellectually evolved she's lost the ability to mate.
She would have straddled him like this, yes? And then she may have kissed him, but not like that.
After she steps off Ben and out of her parallel universe time machine, she decides she'd like to try the whole thing again, but this time using the future tense. She will explain movement by movement, how their kiss will go, 5 seconds from now. "Then you will close your mouth and I open mine..." Ben forgets step three and this happens...
Then you put your mouth on my nose and blow like so.
But why am I explaining this when you could be watching? Please take two minutes to witness what happens when the talking inside your head comes out as words while you're trying to seduce someone.
Wow. Something awful must have happened for her to make this face.