It's funny that the longer I am on this journey, the more I learn about myself. I wonder if this is the reason that I am still wandering alone-so I can learn everything I need to.
I used to be someone who trusted everyone-even the people I shouldn't have. I was always understanding of where a person was coming from. I was quick to forgive and make amends. I was living life as if everything were peachy keen and filled with rainbows. This thought was prominent in my head, "If I just keep plugging along it will all be fine." It was as if I covered my eyes during the scary parts of movie so I could pretend it never happened.
And then reality punched me hard in the face...several times. Really.
I have noticed recently, I seem to have gone the other way-I am filled with mistrust. Yes, there are reasons. I've been lied to. I've been used. I've been hurt. I am terrified of it happening again and again. Trust no one. I know that is a line from somewhere and I can't remember where. Obviously if it had been good advice to follow I would remember.
It's stupid. I don't even know how my suspicious mind became suspicious or when it all snuck up on me. I only know that I am making a conscious effort to block those thoughts, change those thoughts and throw those thoughts all away along with all the bad feelings that they are surrounded by. It is not fair. It never is fair to assume that everyone is being dishonest. It doesn't even matter that a lot really have been, not everyone is.
I internalized the blame when someone turned out to have ulterior motives in my life. I blamed myself constantly that I was too naive and trusting. I made it my fault for believing in someone. It isn't wrong to trust people. It is wrong to not trust people because of some folks who are awful. It is wrong and it is my fault to become this paranoid woman whom is expecting to be hurt. That's where I have to own the blame. This is what I insist now to let go of and put behind me.
I will not automatically assume that everything told to me is truth either. I must be cautiously optimistic as a dear friend put it. I must get back into life with the thought that it just as easily can be good and it will be. I cannot close my eyes now that they have been opened but I can take in the full picture now. The rain sprinkling with the rainbows, the dark of night along with the stars, the roses as well as the thorns.
I have been frightened, I realize now, no matter how much I believed I was brave. I have always felt that going into life, love, relationships and dancing into this world required a certain amount of bravery to be successful at it. I forgot the most genuine part of being brave is to be fearless of the outcome. I have been looking too long at the past that each step I take into the future has been shaky and slow and done with trepidation in my heart-but today...today I'm marching. Here I go.
Monika M. Basile