There was a blue moon last night. For those that never fully understood the meaning of that expression: A blue moon is the second full moon in a month. Whenever mentioned some urban myth is sure to follow. I spent my blue moon hanging out with the Signor and a friend. It was her birthday. I started thinking, if only we could wish things to come true. I would wish the Signor and I back with each other. The Signor and I are still friends. We have a bond that will never ever be broken. No matter how hard I have tried, I will always have these precious sweet feeling for him. I wish I had ruby red slippers or that portal machine, but that is fantasy. We can't live our lives in a fantasy state. I see why going back wouldn't be good, I would be deep in the throws of active addiction. Even though I miss a part of that life, I don't miss the addiction. Where a substance was controlling my every thought and emotion. Addiction is where you make things up in your mind and believe the lies you have created. I will always believe there has to be more to the relationship the Signor and I share. More than a relationship based on addiction. There had to be for us to still have this want to see and care for each other. I have seen the light and fully understand. There could never be a 'we' or 'us' again. He still lives his addiction. I am just a spectator wishing an intelligent man could see what he is giving up for a substance. I don't even mean the beautiful love we share. He has three grown daughters with children. He is missing that. A beautiful gift of unconditional love and relationships. His daughters love him, but one is putting out tough love. She sticks to her guns because of her son. The other two take what they can get from him. (Relationship wise) I guess that is what I do too. I know that if he could kick his habit he would be with me the way I would want. So I take glimpses of that heaven and thank God when it appears. In my reality that would be the blue moon of the endless chain reaction of continuim. (Please that is how I feel, don't think I am trying to be facetious). Makes me wonder, when we transgress into another realm of life do we get to create our own heavens? I guess that is why God chose for us to have limited knowledge of the big picture. Well I am getting a little off course. To coin a phrase: 'shove me in the shallow water before I get to deep'.
I will end with this, recovery has kept me sane. Therapy has helped me accept those things I cannot change. The feelings held in the heart for someone cannot be killed. By killing love of any kind there is a door opened to let negativity in. To keep that love as what it is; a precious untangible emotion is to keep postivity. We can't change those who wish not to change. We can only love them. To have true unconditonal love is to accept. That doesn't mean you have to allow their problems to be yours. We can still love them. I wrote this for those who are not addicted but are tied to someone that has that affliction. I think they will be the ones who understand this blog piece.
Peace out and in all that is right-good!
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