Sometimes your sex life is so good, it can put those first newlywed nights to shame. And other times, it's, well, crickets. That's totally normal, and even better, it can be remedied with these expert fixes. By Nicole Yorio Jurick, REDBOOK.
Your attraction is waning
Let's face it: You've seen your husband on the toilet, wearing boxers and socks, and picking his nose too many times to count. That sort of routine stuff is enough to make you forget what about him so turned you on in the early days, so remind yourself-and him. Nothing brings back feelings of desire more than talking about what attracted you to your partner in the first place, says relationship coach and the author of Getting Real Susan Campbell. Next time it's just the two of you, reminisce about how you first met and what you think made you fall in love. "This brings couples back to those feelings almost immediately," she says.
Related: Your One-Month Plan to a Closer, More Loving Relationship
There's too much else going on
Between work, kids, and your mile-long to-do list, sex is the last thing on your mind. While it may sound counterintuitive, you could find your libido spiked just by eyeing and fantasizing about a handsome stranger. Notice the barista's cute smile or the biceps on the guy next to you at the gym. "Checking out other men puts sex on the brain and gets you thinking about the next time you'll get hot and heavy with your guy," says Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., the author of The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex. Warning: This is permission to look, not touch.
You're never in the mood
You have a headache. You're on deadline at work. You've made three different dinners for your three kids. No wonder you want nothing more than to go to sleep for a long, long time. We know it's easier said than done, but what you need is to turn off your brain, drop everything, and have sex. "Sometimes we just have to do it to make ourselves ask, 'Why haven't I been having sex more often?'" says clinical sexologist Sonia Borg, Ph.D., the author of Marathon Sex. Plus, a quick romp can reduce stress, perk you up, and make you feel more connected to your guy. "Think about it," Borg says. "Have you ever regretted having an orgasm?"
Related: The 10 Phrases That Make Men Go Ballistic
You're in roommate mode
Conversations about kids, chores, and finances have made you feel more like housemates than lovers. One thing you likely didn't do with your roommates? Make out-so lock lips to remind yourself of the basis of your relationship. The amount that couples passionately kiss often decreases as they settle in to long-term relationships, says Laura Berman, Ph.D., a sex and relationship expert and host of In The Bedroom on OWN. To regain those early relationship butterflies, kiss your guy for a full 10 seconds every time you walk in or out the door. His saliva transfers testosterone, which fuels your desire, and all that lip service releases oxytocin, which makes you feel more connected to each other.
You've got a case of bedroom boredom
After all these years, you can practically do a play-by-play of his moves before he makes them. To change things up, play a little game. Here's how it works: Each of you is allowed three sex wishes that the other person must make come true, suggests Ava Cadell, the founder of Loveology University. Tell your partner that over the next three months, each of you gets one wish per month that the other needs to grant (within limits, of course). Not only does this setup give you permission to try new and exciting things in the bedroom, it also gives you the opportunity to think about what would really turn you on.
Related: 25 Totally Free Date Ideas
You have opposing schedules
Not until 11 p.m. are you alone together-and by that point, sleep can seem more appealing than sex. It's hard to get out of that mentality in the moment, so put sex on your calendar. It may sound unromantic, but scheduling a romantic rendezvous can build anticipation and make the main event hotter. "Many couples think that they have to wait until their schedules naturally align, but that could mean waiting forever," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. Even scheduling a weekly sex session can give your love life a major boost-the more of it you have, the more you'll want.
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