The Breakthrough that Changed My Sex Life

From appreciating your thighs to being honest about your sense of bedroom adventure, a little wisdom can go a long way when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Here, nine women share their deepest revelations. By Kim Tranell, REDBOOK.

Body confidence comes from within
"In my twenties, I sought out pretty vapid, sex-based relationships that were designed to boost my body-confidence. I thought that the more men who wanted me, the better I'd feel about my stomach or the size of my chest. Then, at 33, I started performing burlesque for fun. Once I realized that an audience of both strangers and friends could appreciate me with all my flaws on display, I didn't need those pointless relationships anymore. After a year of performing, I found my current boyfriend, who loves me unconditionally. The sex is amazing because it's meaningful, and I realize that loving your body - not being a certain weight or specific body type - is what makes it attractive in the first place " - Lisa, 36, in a three-year relationship

His libido isn't a reflection of my sex appeal
"A few years into our marriage, my husband's sex drive seemed to fall off. I was wanting it way more than he was, and of course, I attributed that to him not finding me attractive any longer. So I decided I'd stop initiating, because the last thing I wanted was pity sex. But I eventually learned that keeping my wishes to have sex to myself only made me angry with my husband, and bottling up theories about why he might say no - 'he thinks I'm fat' or 'he thinks I'm annoying' - only made me feel bad about myself. I now accept that making a conscious, discussed-about decision to have sex isn't any less valuable than the hot, spontaneous kind of sex that I imagined all couples engage in all the time. He can't read my mind, and if he's too hungry or tired or just not in the mood, I can't take it personally." - Mer, 30, married four years

Being true to myself isn't boring
"Throughout my twenties, men I've dated have asked what my bedroom fantasies are, and I've always felt wildly unsexy admitting that I really don't have any. I like sex and am always up for trying a new position, but I don't have visions of him dressing up like a sailor in the bedroom or screwing me in public. I convinced myself no man wants to hear that - how boring! So I tried a few classic fantasies on for size, but I always felt like I was lying to the guy and to myself. My big moment was admitting to my serious boyfriend that my sexual imagination is not wild and crazy. And you know what? Since being able to feel like I can be myself during it, sex - without crazy toys or forced dirty talk - has been better than ever." - Marissa, 28, in a three-year relationship

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Sex is another way to be kind to my body
"Like a lot of women, I have carried around major baggage related to body insecurities, waging wars against my thighs, my cellulite, and my tummy over the years. And as far as sex goes, I am definitely a woman who has always preferred it with the lights off. But with that said, something significant has shifted within me since having my first baby eight months ago. Maybe it's that I've finally accepted that I will never have the body of a model, or perhaps I just don't care as much anymore because I have bigger and better things to worry about. But these days, I am certainly more grateful for the body I have - and I try to spend a little more time treating it well and being kind to it. Sex, believe it or not, is becoming a frequent part of that healthy regimen I've adopted post-baby. It makes me feel good about myself and the connection that I am maintaining with my partner." - Michelle, 38, married four years

Comfort can open the door for adventure
"I'd had enough sexual experience before meeting my husband to know the difference between what I liked and what I didn't, so I knew right away that we had great chemistry. But because we'd been at it awhile before getting married, I started mourning the loss of the 'newness' pretty early on. Would I never experience that sense of unexplored possibility again? After some deep thinking, though, I realized that a lot of the hookups I'd had weren't really that great, and every first kiss or first sex was always a gamble. By contrast, my husband knows what I like and I know what he likes. Familiarity can lead to boredom, sure, but it could also lead to experimentation. It's in my - and my husband's - control to use our comfort as a source of potential, instead of seeing it as a liability. Once I made that shift, my eyes opened. Now all it takes is something small, like a hotel room with a crazy giant shower, to make everything new again!" - Beth, 30, married five years

Related: Your One-Month Plan to a Closer, More Loving Relationship

Sex is a release I deserve
"Practicing mindfulness in other arenas has definitely spilled into my sex life, and I have to say, improved it accordingly. Just giving myself permission to tune out the rest of the world and focus on the moment-by-moment physical sensations and emotions has made the connection with my husband stronger - and the whole experience better. Sex now feels less like another task I'm trying to tick off my to-do list and more like something pleasurable that I deserve to enjoy from beginning to end. But first, I truly had to learn to let go and convince myself that I owed it to myself and my husband to give our time in the bedroom my undivided attention." - Jessica, 35, married four years

My body is worthy of pleasure
"My partner, Jeff, and I have been together since high school, when I was 16 and tiny. But over the past 12 years, I've gained at least 50 pounds, developing what I think of as a very nurturing body - wide hips, thick legs, large breasts. Through all the changes, Jeff has been my constant. Every time I feel down on myself, or sit crying on my closet floor because something doesn't fit, he's there, loving me. And I don't mean 'loving me the way I am' or 'loving me no matter what' - I mean just loving me, being attracted to me, wanting to have sex with me. Even with his constant appreciation and acceptance, though, it's been difficult. There are definitely times when I do not feel sexy at all. As a feminist, I can tell myself that all bodies are beautiful, and that 'sexy' is a social construct. But that doesn't make it easier. So I try to remind myself to focus on pleasure. Even if I am not loving my body at the moment, I know that I am worthy of love and worthy of pleasure - and that's my mantra." - Kathleen, 28, in a 12-year relationship

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Chemistry can be a slow burn
"Last year, I stayed in a horrible relationship because we had the best sexual chemistry, but after breaking up, it finally dawned on me that I had spent most my twenties with guys who were great in bed - but not great partners in life. I had been convinced this whole time that if you have good sex, you could make it work everywhere else. Now I'm in a relationship with a great guy who taught me that the opposite is true. We honestly had the worst sexual chemistry at first, but because our relationship was strong, it was such an easy fix. I've realized that when you're willing to communicate, compromise, and have each other's backs unconditionally, that translates to the bedroom. It sounds so obvious, but I know I'm not the only woman who has abandoned a promising relationship because of bad sex. It can take time to reach your full sexual potential - and that's okay. In fact, it's exciting." - Christine, 34, with her boyfriend one year

I need to be happy with my body, too
"My husband has always been super-supportive when it comes to me and my body, and never in our 17 years as a couple has he ever said anything about my weight. But after a little health scare gave me the courage to make some lifestyle changes, I finally realized that I hadn't been completely happy with myself and my body all those years. From the moment I first started working out, my self-esteem improved. I started to 'come out of my shell,' so to speak, and this carried into our relationship - not just in public but in the bedroom, too. I've now lost a total of 70 pounds over one year, and while I still have a little ways to go to get to my healthy weight, the fact that I've done it without quick-fixes is an even bigger boost to my confidence than the way I look. I feel strong and accomplished, which allows me to let go and enjoy sex - and life! - much more." - Karen, 34, married nine years

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