Cheating causes penises to break: real scientific study (promise!)
Here's something: you can stop threatening to snap your cheating partner's privates in two. He'll probably break it on his own.
A new, bonafide scientific study claims that men are more likely to break their penises if they're having an extramarital affair.
Dr. Andrew Kramer, a University of Maryland urologist, found that 50 percent of the penile fractures his hospital treated between 2004 and 2011 were caused during cheater sex.
Does this mean Karma isn't a b----, but a knuckle-cracking thug who enjoys making philandering men whimper? Maybe. But Dr. Kramer has another hypothesis. It's all about location.
The cheaters treated in his study were more likely to do the deed in secret quickie pit-stops: bathrooms, elevators, cars, misc. cubby holes, etc. Those cramped quarters require acrobatic positioning, and not every part of a man is that flexible. A miscalculated thrust in an already vulnerable game of Twister can lead to visit to the E.R.
If you're still stuck on "wait, a penis can break?" You probably haven't seen Grey's Anatomy during sweeps week. It happens, mostly on TV, occasionally in real life, that the fibrous membrane of the penis (the tissue that hardens like a snail-shell during an erection) can tear when it's bent or forcefully maneuvered.
Here's how you know if it's broken: immediate sharp, shooting pain, complete loss of erection, and if all that weren't enough, a popping noise.
You can also just look at it, if you dare...
"The penis will become deformed; it actually looks kind of grotesque," Dr. Darius Paduch, a New York-baed urologist tells abcnews.com. He says it looks kind of like a boomerang when it breaks.
At this point you'd think most guys would call an ambulance. But if he's trying to keep a secret about your affair, he could end up walking home with a hideously misshapen tail between his legs.
If left untreated by a doctor, the physical damage may be permanent and could cause a lifetime of erectile dysfunction. The possibility of any of this ever happening might be enough to scare some guys into devout fidelity.
If nothing else, the study provides us with this gem of a warning from Dr. Kramer: "If you are doing something in a weird position or a weird situation…you do have to be careful of fracturing the penis."
Thanks, Doc. Now that goes for everything weird, not just sex, right?
Related:
Crooked penis? Here's how to fix it
Weird shaped penis stories
9 ways to rehab a cheater
Is it cool to cheat on a cheater?
