I can honestly say that I never had a relationship that lasted till Valentines Day; with the exception of one who I was engaged to. Even that didn't even seem like an official valentines day. I was reminded today of the occasion, season what have you, when I went to the store. While walking down the aisle noticing the roses, stuffed animals, and candy, I realized that maybe I am just not cut out for being someone's mate. I am not feeling sorry for myself or beating myself up; the realization just occurred to me about relationships that I have been in.
There were seven men in my life that I could count as being in a full relationship with; both parties agreed that we were dating. Out of the seven, two have passed away, two are married, and the rest have found their true hearts desire. I was left without but am now filled with new emotions, growth, and acceptance. Never once did I feel a since of regret. All of them have helped mold me into who I am today. Many of them are still my friends. In the beginning, I think I stayed a friend to them in hopes that what we could rekindle what was gone; not the case anymore. They had moved on. After awhile I learned how to move on with my life. It took a few bumps and bruises, but I moved forward.
Today, well today in this season, I just knew in my heart that I was finally ready to be someone's rib, their wifey, their number one and only. I honestly feel like there is no one for me. I wished for it (marraiage) to be so, I prayed for it to happen, but they (men) are just not that into me. I have read books, fixed myself up and yet and still I am alone another Valentines Day. I know how to love….. Boy do I know how to love and I am not talking about sex either. In my heart and my mind love means to me:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails… I Corinthians 13: 4-8
At times I have stepped away from that. In past relationships I would act jealous, would be provoked to do wrong, acted unbecomingly, and because of my actions in failing the partner, the relationships died. Recently, I gave space, did not bother, did everything that was asked of me to do, but still I am alone. So I say to Valentines, I do not know what else to do to have you here in my life. I guess it is meant for me to be alone.
I can remember telling myself at a younger age that I didn't want to be with anyone. Every female that I knew in my family was single. I prayed about halting my growth in my life and asked the Lord for forgiveness. I put it all in the His hands. What I have found out is that I help others. During this process of growth my heart is filled with helping others. My rib may not be here, I may not have the cards, flowers, hugs, kisses, children, home and everything else that is part of the American dream. What I do have is love for God. If it is in His will for me to be single, I shall be. I have to let go of the picture that belongs to someone else.
So I say, Cheers to you Valentine. May you have everything you ever hoped for, desired, dreamed of, and more. God bless. There is still so much more work to do for the Lord.