What started out to be something that shouldn't have happened turned out to be a life changing experience for me that I will never forget. Understand as you read my story that I didn't seek this out, sometimes people are brought into your life to test you and you either pass or fail the test given. In this case I had wanted to pass but it seemed I failed- not only myself but God as well. This man was a co-worker and friend and nothing more than that and for some reason what started out as an innocent flirting turned into something more.
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It all started with a few emails and text messages. We both made choices and knew what this was leading into - I myself should have stopped this before it started but I will admit and not lie to anyone. I thought why bother? I enjoyed the attention and the fact that a man found me sexy, interesting and wanted to explore me. That's what women want. After a month of texting we decided to meet after work. That night on our first date I realized I was really into him. We acted like we didn't even work together. We were asking questions about each other and flirting and just having a great time. After four hours we just felt like it could have gone on all night- nothing happened at that point but I knew I was in this. I just felt like wow this could be the one for me. I know how can someone think that after one night but I felt something inside that I never felt for any man.
After that date the texts and phone calls poured in and within one month of it I knew I was falling in love with him. Not knowing how he would react about hearing these words I was afraid to express my emotions but surprisingly over a phone conversation he said the same words, "I love you". I was in love for the first time in my life and it felt amazing- we just loved being with each other or at least what I thought was love for him anyway. As the months went on he told me things like "I want to explore life with you" and so many other sweet words that truly penetrated my heart. I've never had a man say those words to me ever. My last relationship was probably one of the worst relationships ever. My ex was an alcoholic and a user that left me with so much debt. He actually cheated on me with another woman and through it all I gained over 60 lbs. For the longest time I had issues with my self esteem and only went after flings. I didn't think I could find a good man at my age.
As I tell my story I sit back and try to question what type of dating did we even have. We would never meet for lunch since we worked together and even after work we could never go for happy hour fearing we will get caught. He lived about an hour away from me so that was an advantage. He always drove over to my place and we would cocoon inside my apartment all day. We would have sex all over my apartment and end it with some cuddling and some Chinese food. Sometimes he would tell his wife his work schedule required him to be at work much earlier and he would leave his house at 4:00 am and spend the morning with me before we each had to be at work at 8:00 am. Aside from him visiting me he never made any effort to take me out. I see so many women who have affairs with married men get so much more attention and gifts and sneaky nights out but I was simply not that lover. I was the "drive over to my apartment for sex" lover.
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As this affair turned 9 months old things changed over night even though I failed to see the signs. He was different. He no longer wanted to go out of his way in the mornings to see me before work or sneak out at night to drive to my place. Then one day all contact ended- no phone calls or messages and when I would call him it will go straight to voice mail.
I was devastated and my heart was broken. What made it even worse was the fact that on his birthday he just ignored me- no contact for one month! I sat there with a birthday present wrapped up but no man present to give it to. My friends were there to support me and didn't judge me for the mistake I made but I had to get closure from this so one day I waited for him after work at the parking lot and asked for my key back and find out why he ignored me. At first he was shocked to see me there waiting for him and I just noticed he didn't look the same. He looked stressed, heavier and just not the man I fell in love with. He could barely look at me- and when he did- the only thing he could say was " I don't know why I'm sorry". I didn't yell or scream I actually felt sorry for him. I took my keys and drove home sobbing.
From that moment on I didn't see or hear from him again. I did find out that he had met someone else and was already working on another girl. I felt horrible inside. I felt like I wasn't good enough to change him or get him to finally sign his divorce papers and move on. I felt so rejected and used. It took 4 months for me to realize that it wasn't me- he was the one that couldn't commit and he apparently enjoyed having multiple affairs.
I'm okay now but it truly was the worse feeling to have for that many months. I have my own issues of trusting men and still have a wall up. I don't understand why I attract unavailable men. I guess I don't think I'm worthy of a man's love? I'm trying to work on myself and know that I am better than and never will I have to settle for half a man.
I will say I regret the hurt I caused his wife. I heard he divorced and is living with that other woman he met. I don't know, I guess once a cheater always a cheater.
Please understand that I didn't do this to try and hurt someone. I truly believed I could save and change him and let him experience a good life. But he was a test for me and I failed it but I'm realizing that the test was for me to wake up and realize that I'm worth it all and that every woman out there should appreciate their minds, bodies and hearts. I know it hurts like no other pain but sometimes we have to feel that much pain to get to the goodness that we are meant to have.
Carmen Sutra is the pseudonym used in the Powder Room for any woman who wants to write but keep her identity private to protect the innocent and the not-so innocent.
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