There comes a time in every girls life (other than those that take that certain pledge that gains them a certain ring..even then I suppose this happens more often) when she has to take a hard look at herself in the mirror and realize... I'm late.
I met him one month ago; Smiles (all names other than mine, are fake; if that was not already obvious), when I went to my future-big-bro; Wire's mansion-house to visit and have a couple rounds with three of my girls, Space, Rief, Dream, and Cope. I knew from the moment I met him we were going to hook up by the end of the night, for sure. I was supposed to be driving that night and I do not believe in drinking a little bit and then driving later, because a DUI is NEVER worth 3 shots. I remember Space, Dream, and Cope had all started drinking and Rief was not in the mood to drink and I was so I handed over the keys and started taking shots.
Now, at the time I didn't drink much because I wasn't really eating much but that's not to say I didn't know how to hold my liquor (mind you I started drinking regularly at the age of 13 and have a tolerance reserved for that of an Irish stock worker), but I do recall embarrassing myself in front of my big bro, not being able to finish any of the shots I took and not being able to drink straight from the bottle. Smiles gave me grief... a lot of grief, as did Wire, both encouraging me to continue drinking more and more, which did not sit well with my girls. Nevertheless, I did not really see it that way, it is just the way boys in their fraternity are and I was not intimidated because it reminded me of my own brothers and cousins. My girls did not see it this way, they were afraid the boys were trying to take advantage, so they sat back and did not really participate which was odd for this particular group of girls. Needless to say, when discussed the next day, they simply said they were not impressed and didn't really like that fraternity
Anyhow, on with the recollection, for every shot I barely took, Smiles took close to the equivalent of three from the handle and ended up disappeared for a hot minute, with everyone else passing out and myself a tittle lipsy, I wandered about the mansion via search and rescue. Where else do I find him other than passed out on the balcony, hat pulled down, shoes off, propped up against the wall. I laugh, snap a classic picture, and go over to wake him up. The look on his face when he saw mine made my heart melt, if only for a second. We did end up mac-ing a couple times before the night was over, and by morning, he was nothing more to me than a meaningless college hook up. Another notch on my pink bedpost, so to speak.
He did text me the next day, which I acknowledged as courtesy and really nothing more, but I did appreciate it. I told him the party I was going to that night, thought nothing more of it and went on with my day. The party that night was thrown by another fraternity (not the one Smiles was in) but everyone was invited, and everyone went. It was huge, they rented a house, and it was packed. I went with Rief that night, and intended on drunk-driving home because her house was only down the street (real smart, right) well, do not worry; I didn't. Smiles did say hi to me when he arrived, and I'm pretty sure we went out to my car for a smoke, but I didn't kiss him or even indicate that I might (I'm not really the type of hook-up girl, he was a special occurrence but if he wanted more, he'd have to work for it). However, during the party I saw Smiles, pulling along a girl from another house, Bride, whom was so wasted she could hardly stand (apparently this happens to her often), and it looked extremely like they were going to hook up. 'Whatever', I thought, 'over it, for sure.' Whatever hope I had for anything more than a meaningless hookup was instantaneously gone.
I told my girls about it the next day, we all swore off Smiles, almost even as a friend. It was not the fact that Bride was so wasted she's needed a hand to keep her off her back, it was the fact that he was not. He was not even close to being on her level, and that is what made him shady. It is like the code of college, drunken-one-night-stands are okay, if you are both seeing the same thing, twice. If one of you is more conscious than the other, it is there by that person's responsibility not to hook up with the other. Therefore, I essentially moved on. He did not though, I still received texts from him the next day, which was cool, and I was polite and responded but did not really let my guard down at all. Despite the instant chemistry we had, he had put his own self in this situation and I knew he was to be watched out for.
The following Monday, he invited me to hang out with him at his apartment, I brought along Rief and we stayed for about an hour or so, had a smoke, and left. He continued texting me, I made it a point to allow him to always text me first, but it did not stop him. He still did, and I still responded… and the next day he took me to starbucks. His friend was in tow this time, so it still was not really a date, but his friend did not talk much so it was mostly him and I. During all these short meetings, we did not kiss, didn't hold hands, and simply had quick hugs goodbye. It was kind-of a weird setting, someone I had already hit first base running with, now on a hands-off basis with. As I said, though, if he was looking for a daytime hook-up, I am just not that type of girl. He kept seeing me, though, and started inviting me over after I was done hanging out with my girls, which was usually at about midnight, twelve thirty in the morning, and I'd go over, we'd watch south park on his laptop, and I'd leave. These late night visits started turning into kisses goodbye, then kissing on the couch. Then falling asleep on the couch and leaving at about four to make it home before anyone else woke up. It was a strange progression, very slow, but very intriguing. Although I still had my guard up, and regularly brought my girls around who agreed they could see how I thought he could still be sketch, something just seemed off.
He eventually explained to me that he did not hook up with Bride, although he had in the past, but that night he consciously decided he was going to wait for me, and see where that went. Although Bride threw herself at him (which I later found out to be a wasted-habit of hers), he did not respond and told her to cool it down until he finally found a friend of hers to drop her off with. He now swears he had not hooked up with anyone else since he met me. (Okay, okay, I'm not going to lie, I did hook up with another boy that second night, but I did not tell Smiles that, I saw him with Bride! What was a girl to do?! I wanted to distract myself, and this guy and I had chemistry for some time, it was bound to happen, so it did. It was nothing and he and I are still friends, Smiles knows we hooked up at some point, but doesn't know it was that same night... Oh well!) So I let Bride go from my mind and started to let my guard down a little more. I still hadn't slept with Smiles, or even moved past first base for that matter, we talked a lot and really started getting to know each other. Even when our make-out sessions moved past first base I still told him he'd have to earn getting me in the sack, and he respected that, and appreciated the comfort of knowing I hadn't slept with every other guy I talked to since I started school.
Even my girls started coming around, they hung out with him more, our preconceptions faded, our trust grew and they even began encouraging the relationship. I knew I liked him, I really did, even if I didn't quite trust him at first, once I knew the whole story, I didn't have a reason not to. He was open and honest with me, showed affection in front of his friends (even if he had nothing more to brag about other than a hot make-out session) open all texts (even those from Bride and a few other not-so-morally-influenced-girls from her same house) in front of me, let me eavesdrop and didn't expect the same from me. We had comfortable silences, funny conversations, he let me curse him out (which is an odd necessity for me) and didn't get offended but instead returned the favor, it was funny because by absolutely NO means, did we mean it. We not only warranted each other's opinion, but also respected them. We had each other's best interest in mind, I felt like he not only inspired me to be a better person, but to be the best person I can be. I still feel this way about him.
I think he might be my first grown-up romance. The kind where you don't have to think about it, you don't have to convince yourself to like this person in front of you. You don't like them because they wear the same type of clothes, or like the same music (although it's a plus) but because they respect the person YOU are, and you just mesh. The kind of sexuality you crave, instead of convince yourself that you should crave, just... The kind of romance that you know you are ready for. And I know I'm ready for.
It was the beginning of the holidays, in itself it is a romantic time, the music, the lights, and everything just contributed to making the feelings advance. Then Christmas Eve's Eve came, I was leaving for Vegas, Nevada for four days on Christmas Eve, so this was our last chance to see each other for some time. He was going to be home by himself for the holidays, so I felt really bad and stuck around that evening to hang out with him. He presented me my Christmas present (which I'm not going to share what it was) but let's just say; it was so romantic in our own way that it got me to say to him, that night, he earned it. I'll skip all the gory details, but I will tell you our first time was to Christmas music, and it didn't last long. I'll also tell you that he is VERY well endowed, and I'm very petite (if you catch my drift). He didn't fit, completely, and continued to not be able to fit for the first week or so that we went at it. And last but not least, I will tell you that our second time (in the same night) I had my first, second, third, and fourth big O. He is a keeper.
Well our escapades continued, and on New Years, after midnight, he asked me to be his official girlfriend, to which I responded with a kiss in place of the obvious yes(!). He later told me that the way I looked when I realized it was him who kissed me on the cheek after arriving to the party late was the reason why he knew he would ask me to be his girlfriend. I never told him; but the way I felt when I realized who it was kissing me on the cheek was reason I said yes.
And continue on they did, until the first incident happened, the condom slipped off on the inside, scary in itself; absolutely. And then we started getting less safe, not having access to condoms made us test the pull-out theory three or four times within a three day period, and I told him I'd wait till my next period before doing anything about it, because I was sick and I knew the Plan B would slaughter me, because it makes you sick by itself. Well, that next period was supposed to start six days ago now, and the growing pains have yet to start, and there isn't a pimple in sight. Usually, if I'm this late, I look like someone slapped me in the face with red paint, and smothered me with pizza over night, and I feel like my bra is three-sizes-too-tight. This is a problem, and I know it is. I have not tested myself yet, and usually I'm so responsible when it comes to this. Part of me has convinced myself that I am usually late (and I am by a day or two) and that not being sexually active, and then being, has also contributed (because it usually does) so I'm not quite fretting over it yet.
Then came the decision though, whether or not to tell him. I mean, eventually he would realize something was up when days started adding up and no days-off were necessary but part of me didn't want to tell him, why worry someone I only met a month ago, and I really didn't want to have to make any major decisions with him just yet. I mean, come on! We're so fresh, it's not like we were even friends first, we literally have only been talking for a month, and if I wanted to abort something, why should he have any say in the matter. That is what I would do, and I'm not looking for opinion on that, because I am 18 years old, with huge career plans, I'm moving out in a month, and I can barely afford myself, I will NOT ruin a childs life by not being able to support it in the way that I want to, so really, no opinions please. He knows how I feel about that, and supports any decision I would make, and is not pro-life so that's good. But I just can't see such a heavy emotion filled issue being anything but negative for our relationship, so I whether or not I should tell him was weighing on me, especially after the third day. I did tell him tough; on day four, I let him know in a text simply reading "Babe, I'm late…". He was nervous, like any 20 year old in college would be regarding that type of slam, but he wasn't freaking out. He's been supportive and knows that we have to test before any kind of emotions are really brought out. I'm worried, yes, but for the right now there is nothing I can do.
Tell me about your scares, and how you handled major decisions you had to make, and I promise to update you on the verdict- which may lead to a whole other moral issue (which means another juicy blog.)