Dating diaries: How long should you wait to propose?

I totally feel what emir is going through. my boyfriend and i have been together for a little over 4 years. we own a condo together (just bought it recently) and have lived together for close to 3 years. we have been through so much as a couple and as individuals, and we have worked through many issues and also through amazing times. i am so frustrated because i think 4 years is plenty long enough to pop the question, especially when you own a condo together! i give him till Dec 2009 because by then it will have been over 5 years and thats just way too long to be with someone without proposing or at least saying you will make that committment!

5 Year plan...I respectfully disagree. So...wait till 5 years every time you're in a serious relationship and then break it off if it''s a "no go" and move onto the next "5 year plan"? That's A LOT of years to burn through...You know at least a year in if a guy is right for you. If it takes 5 years to work through your feelings, his issues, then it was never right to begin with. All of us women know when something is right and when it's not...when we're overlooking/compromising things that used to be on our "must haves" list. We all have done it in relationships. I have my whole life.

I recently met someone where it all changed. There are no "red flags" I'm pretending not to ignore, I don't find myself sweeping my "must haves" under the rug one at a time...I just know. This has always sounded insane to me. "You just know." I never wanted to believe it, because I was usuallly in a so-so relationship, where I wanted to believe the guy would someday realize how amazing I was and that he couldn't live w/out me. I seriously thought it was B.S. But you really do "just know" when the person is right. Everything fits together. Everything you've always wanted a man to appreciate about you is appreciated/loved...and he is not afraid to say it, make plans for the future. I've never had this before, so it's all new...But,ladies, PLEASE trust me...It's out there. It doesn't take a year, 2 years, 10 years to figure out.

So, don't waste your time. If your man hasn't "realized" what a gem you are, get out...you don't need an ultimatum. Why should you ever have to campaign to someone who's supposed to love you, how amazing you are? If he doesn't get it, he doesn't deserve you. I never would have believed this before....But, when you meet the right man, you really JUST KNOW. I swear. :)

My parents were engaged after dating for 7 weeks. They've been married for 37 yrs this August. I just got out of a 4.5 yr. relationship because the joker still "wasn't sure." If you don't know how you feel within a few years, forget it. Yes, every couple is different, and some wait a decade (a good friend of mine is getting married in Sept. to her bf of 9 yrs), but you should be able to answer the question "Do I want to?" within the first 2 years.
Also, your friend who said he's in a late marrying group is a weenie. He should try living HIS life and not everyone else's in his social circle. That loser is in a state of arrested development.

It depends on your age. I'm speaking from being 22+(before that is just too early in my opinion). I think 2 years is a good point (especially if you're being intimate). I wouldn't suggest giving an ultimatum, but if it's been 2 years, I think you can kind of tell whether or not the relationship is leading to something more serious. This certainly doesn't mean that you need to break up if you've been together longer than two years, but if marriage is something you want, then I think the 2 year point is at least a good time to discuss it seriously.

Well I have learned that most people know what they want when it comes to marriage. I'm only 24 years old and I have been married 3 years now. I have really been through alot in these 3 years. I knew from the beginning that my husband wasn't for me, but like a fool I know now listening to family and friends never help. Only you know what you want. They was always saying he's a good provider and he really loves you, you can always grow to love him. Trust me it doesnt work whatever you feeled in the beginning is always going to be there, as specailly when you are mad. I truly believe if I meet the right person right now I would know it, and it wouldnt take years to figure out.

I had been engaged once after being with the guy for 3 years and living with him. I was 25 years old, he was older and we both thought that was what you just do after being together for so long. We started planning a wedding, but when it came to the interview with the church to get married there, they asked us why we were getting married. Our only answer was "it's the next step, right?". WRONG! I ended up leaving him 7 months before the wedding because I realized that even though I loved him, I couldn't stand how he lived his life and wasn't someone I wanted to raise a family with.

I'm now almost 31 years old and have found the love of my life and we've been together for over 4 years. We've lived together for over a year. He's the man I want to be with for the rest of my life and raise a family with and he feels I'm the woman he wants to be with the rest of his life and raise a family with. We've talked about getting married for over a year now. We've named our future children. We were supposed to get married this September, but he never proposed. We're now talking about next summer.

I used to pressure him a lot about proposing, but I stopped talking about it for 6 months because he told me if I stopped talking about it it would happen. Then he was the one who would talk about it and I had to sit there and pretend like I didn't care. Complete tourture. We've shopped for rings (his idea). It's been almost a year since we shopped for rings and he recently told me he wanted to take me ring shopping again to make sure he knew exactly what I wanted. Month later, we still haven't gone. I told him the end of May he has until the end of August (my 31st birthday) or I'm done waiting (he said 4 months, I said 3).

He proclaims to be a traditionalist and wants to "surprise" me. I hate surprises, always have and he knows this. Now it's about money, but I know what he has saved for the ring. I get skeptical and ask him if he's sure he wants to marry me from time to time and he says yes he does 200%. So what's the hold up? I have no idea, but he's got 6 weeks until I'm fed up.

I get pressured from my entire family on why he hasn't popped the question yet. I've finally gotten so fed up with them asking that I've told them to just start asking him directly because I don't have an answer. They still won't ask him. I haven't looked at wedding stuff for over a year. I try to avoid talking about it, but I'm a professionally trained wedding coordinator and work part time as one, so it's a little more difficult to avoid the whole "wedding" topic completely. Yet, he will continue to say "we should play this song at our wedding" whenever we're in the car and a song we both like comes on, completely out of nowhere.

I don't want some big fancy ring or anything. Hell, no ring at all is fine with me (maybe I should tell him that?). I can honestly say that I don't what I'd do or where I'd go in life without him by my side. We had a couple of serious close calls recently where it could've turned out really bad.

So what do you do when he's been talking about proposing, has taken you ring shopping, talks about "our" wedding, names future children with you, but is still dragging his feet?

If you have an answer out there, I'd like to hear it.

I believe you know if its right or not in the first 6 months! Only problem is most people don't listen to their inner voice! I stayed with a man for 10 years hoping for marriage! What a mistake! I knew it wouldn't be a good marriage if it happened but still wanted it because my self esteem was so low from his verbal and mental abuse! So I actually thank him for not proposing because I would have said yes and ruined my life! I finally found the courage to break it off and met the most wonderful man ever! He treats me so wonderful and always supports me and encourages me! I didn't realize their were really men like that out there besides in movies! We've been seeing each other for exactly 1 year and I'm in no hurry to marry but I don't have to worry about it when I am ready because he is so in love with me and I with him and I knew in 6 months that we would be together forever! So men and women pleas don't settle when it comes to a partner. If you don't feel love and support and trust don't do it!

i see the pattern here - looks like the people that were engaged are still together - its in 3 of your stories. Its true - when you know you know.

I just got divorced and purchased a ring to propose to my girlfriend I have been with for 2 months.

I wanted to be with someone and was in a crappy marriage for 6 years - i stayed for "religous" reasons - thats the last time i do that. I dated for a year - was engaged for a year and then married for 6. I learned too much from that and have too much to offer someone to not get married again - i was just fortunate I found someone very special to me that has been what I have been looking for. The list of what you are looking for is a good one. Do this, learn from your mistakes, forget about the past, and dont let fear cloud your judgement. - "playing house" gets old.

I think that no one should be in a relationship longer than 2 years without taking it to the next level. Anything after that you will be wasting your time because it takes 2 years to really know a person and if they can't commit to you after that they wont commit to you in 5 or 10 years and by then you have wasted your best years on them when you could have spent those years searching for your true love.

okay people, i have read all these comments. Yes, I do have enough experience. I am 47, have two kids and I have been married twice. first time around i was 21, that was okay, i picked a good father for my kids. strangely, it wasn't a bad marraige, we did the proverbial"grew apart", we didn't connect anymore. we dated 1 yr., engaged 1yr. huge wedding the nine yards. married16 yrs. #2 sucked from the get go. I was 42, I got a lot of red flags, but ignored them. knew each other 1 year,married for 2. the guy I am seeing now, I honestly love him. I have a life besides him. I found out, that I don't have to be up his butt all the time! I like it when i haven't seen him for a while! I really miss him! Anyway, I'm going to propose to him by valentines day, ring and one knee, if he doesn't ask me first! we'll be together 1yr. 3 months then.

Well, I have to say that I am agree with your mom, sometimes you just know that the time is right and you just know it's right. I was in a relationship for five years and thought I was happy. I thought that he was the one, and I was waiting for he proposed me, but he never did. I end the relationship and after that I start dating someone else, and after 6 months of dating he proposed me and I say Yes...and now I can tell you that I am happily married...

marriage is still sacred,between two people ,whom love each other, but you as a person have a choice,marriage is not a have to thing, god will not comdem you if it's not your thing thing to do, take your time do not rush into anything, you are not ready for,timing is for every one.

I think the shortest time would be 3 months. Longest 3 years. I am in a different place though, no big rush to change my life, but if I find someone that I am absolutely crazy about I wouldn't want to put too much dust into the mix...but there is such a thing as stepping back and thinking about whether or not the person is really with you because your the ONE or if they are just sticking with you because of the convenience. I am not a 7-11. I have proposed to a guy. He accepted, then we broke up, then he proposed to me, we broke up and then 4 years later he proposed again. He wants to see me again and I am not going to stop being his friend but do I take this person seriously? Not really, because I am a firm believer that he would have made a firm stance allready to go the distance. So I figure he will just come and visit and be all sweet and then run away again. So when he does I will let him go, and that will keep my heart open to find someone who really wants to be with me. I believe in the here and now. You "Hold on loosly but dont let go" kind of thing. But what do I know. I am a nut, hehe.

Isn't it crazy? I have been in two serious relationships one for 10 years and my current 2 1/2 years. The first one we weren't together a lot when it first started out, we where young. bascically it was just sex. But then i got pregnant and we became closer and fell in love. We talked about marriage, we looked at rings, but it never happened. Broken promises was all he gave me. (a$$ hole) My current relationship is so much better and i want to get married, he said we are going to get married. I really don't understand why it hasn't already happened. We live together share everything, just like married couples. I was thinking about buying a ring and asking him, but i really want a ring! I think thats why women don't ask. I never bring up the whole marriage thing to him. I threw a hint when i saw that friedmans was having a close out sale but thats about it. I am waiting to see if he ask me first. If it dosen't happen by the end of this year then i'll bring it up. I just feel it's a touchy subject for most men, and the whole ultimatum thing. I think is just wrong. I want to feel like he wants to marry me not that he has too. All that I know is that i'm not waiting 10 years again. If i have to be the one to ask then so be it.

i think it all depends on the couple, but I do think it is a good idea to live with each other just to get to know one another on different level than just dating. I was with my ex husband for 2 years before we got married and yes it ended in divorce but I am in a current relationship that has lasted 5 years we have talked about marriage but were not ready yet one day it will happen or we will move on Best of Luck to ya in the future on finding the one...

Ariesblue-
What does taking it to the next level mean to you? Engagement, living together?

I was in a relationship for over 7 years. I gave him a choice, either we get married or go our separate ways. He made his choice and we went our separate ways. I was not about to waste another year with a man who didn't know what he wanted. Then I started to date after a year and was determined not to get into another relationship. But then I met the most wonderful man. And after about a year he proposed. He said that he knew that he wanted to marry me the very first day we met. When you find the "one" you will just know. I believe that with all my heart. For those women that had their boyfriends leave after years of commitment and had children, I say good for you that they are gone. I don't understand that how these men thought that you were good enough to have children but not good enough to be a wifes.

Agreed. Every couple is different.
I'm in a four year relationship, we own a home,and both have grown children from previous marriages.
Frankly, I'm starting to get very put off by the fact that he completely avoids the subject of marriage when I bring it up--which has been only twice in four years! If he does not make a move to commit soon,sadly, I'm afraid I will have to move on. Referring to the man you live with as my "boyfriend" at age 50 is embarrassing!

my bf and i have dated for 11 months, we just moved in together, we are in our mid 30's both have children from previous marriage, 5 children between us. I divorced after 12 years and his divorce was after 1 year. We are both ecstatic about living together and sharing in our day to day lives. We lived 35 miles apart before. going to bed at night and waking up with him every day is & will be enough. we have talked marriage, he is more reluctant about "it's just a piece of paper" but to me it signifies a total commitment, that i want people to know i am spoken for, to take his last name, and there is something so endearing in the terms husband & wife... i do believe someday it will happen and i will wait, because i know he is the one.

Okay I'm 22 and I know half the people who read this are thinking, she's to young she doesn't know a thing. But i just want to say that i believe that back in the day when people got married and actually lasted till death. It was because it was about being selfless. I think many people today are very selfish to their partners. If you want a relationship to work it takes work. its not always a walk in the park and you can't expect it to be. a couple needs to have communication number one in their relationship. without that their is no relationship. its not love its not commitment its communication.how can you solve a problem with your partner if you wont talk to them or they wont talk to you. how can you solve a problem if when you argue you dont look for a solution to why you even arguing. a couple has to talk and comprimise with each other. and if you can't do that with your partner after a year. Then its highly unlikely you will later. But my mom always told me that you can't change a person no matter how hard you try, if you don't like the way they are now you wont like it later, because its not going any where.