by Aaron Traister, REDBOOK
DEAR WHYS GUY:
My husband and I have been married for three years, and we have two children. I've noticed that my husband doesn't compliment me anymore, and when we're intimate, it's just, "Wham, bam, thank you, good night." I have tried talking to him about how we can make things better, but he doesn't seem to care. If you could give me a guy's perspective on the matter, it would be much appreciated. I miss the sparkle that used to come to his eyes when he saw me.
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I think a lot of people would tell you to switch things up in the bedroom or eighty-six the sweats and "dress to impress," just like you did when you first met your husband. And those are fine ideas. But you want a guy's perspective, so: I find that when I'm not complimenting Karel, or if I'm going through the motions sexually, it usually has more to do with me than Karel. I've figured out that the moments when I'm not so good at highlighting her strong points are the moments I'm having trouble highlighting mine.
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I'm basically talking about when I get stuck in a rut. I think everyone goes through periods when you find yourself in the same routine day in and day out, and nothing feels fun or fresh, and the flavor of your life tastes as stale as a year old bag of Oreos.
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So here's my advice: Before you start second-guessing yourself or try swinging from the bedroom chandelier, give your husband a swift kick in the ass. Try to point him in a direction that helps him get out of his comfort zone. Comfort zones are boring. Change things up in the bedroom, but, more importantly, encourage him to change things up in his life.
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Change is hard, so expect some resistance at first. But change is also an essential part of keeping us interested in the world around us. Whether it's exercise, or diet, or getting more personal time, or starting a project like fixing up an old car, or planting a garden, or learning karate, until he's got something challenging and exciting him, he's probably not going to notice how exciting (and challenging) you are.
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Need help decoding odd male behavior? Redbook columnist Aaron Traister, who lives in Philadelphia with his wife and two kids, is our resident male who is happy to answer any questions you might have about the mind of a man. Either leave your questions in the comments or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org with Whys Guy in the subject. Letters, emails, and comments may be edited for clarity and length.
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