In Defense of Online Dating: What that Recent Study Implied and Why You Should Ignore It

Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.netRecently, a study by the Association for Psychological Science revealed that the "scientific" algorithms that online dating companies claim give daters a better chance at meeting an ideal mate may be nothing but bunk.

According to the study, these magical algorithms don't do magical things. And for this reason I'm really glad the study was done--because far too often, in all areas of our lives, we're sold a bill of goods based on utter b*shit. I applaud the researchers for shining a light on the facts: That no one has the secret formula for making a perfect match. (Yet.)

That's fine. However, the discussion around and even in the write-up of the study then goes on to blur some lines around the overall effectiveness of online dating, which I do take issue with. (Case in point: this story by CBS News, or that one by Huffington Post (entitled "Online dating no better than meeting at a bar"). The tone is unmistakable--"Eh, so it turns out online dating doesn't work." And that, in itself, is a ridiculous claim to make. Especially the claims that go so far as to say that online dating may make it harder to find romantic love.

OK. Let's clear up a few things, shall we?
First, people do meet and date and even marry people they meet online. We know this. Do online sites do a better job at finding people than you would have, unaided, found yourself? Of course not. The whole point is that these sites do one thing well: Pool together people who are looking to meet new people and allow them to sort by any range of characteristics that are important to them.

As someone who has been dating online on and off for years, I consider it a nice supplemental way of meeting people--certainly not the ONLY way to meet people. But since most of us don't have time or necessarily interest in planting ourselves on a barstool in hopes that someone walks in whom you find interesting, it makes a hell of a lot more sense to click through some profiles of people in your area. To me, it's an efficiency thing: You can't be everywhere at once, and meeting people online does let you at least get past point A, connecting with a few folks so that B, you can maybe meet up with them.

To have a discussion about whether or not you should or shouldn't date online is like saying, "Should I only network in person or only submit my resume to listings online?" Ridiculous! Our lives are being conducted online and elsewhere--why would we have to choose? We don't. And anyone who relies solely on one method, to me, is missing the point and reducing their options unnecessarily.

My fear is that people with one toe at the edge of the digital dating pool read these writeups of the study and promptly yanked their foot out and curled up in despair on a chaise lounge. There's absolutely no reason to lose faith here when the goal should be to MEET PEOPLE, not somehow shortcut the process and find the perfect person faster.

Truth is, anyone who signs up for an online dating site fully believing that some data-sifting employee on the other end of the tubes has some special way of matching you with a prince or princess has already, chances are, set him or herself up for disappointment in general, and probably not just with regard to dating.

Let's look at some of the other fears that grew like weeds out of this one study.

ISSUE #1: You Might Be Disappointed
From the study: "Communicating online can foster intimacy and affection between strangers, but it can also lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when potential partners meet in real life."

Wait--what? Did the people evaluating a dating site seem to imply that the danger of online dating is that you could get disappointed by a date you go on? Is the fact that you found someone online as opposed to anywhere else (a set up by a friend, for instance), somehow mean you'll be MORE disappointed? My god--dating is RIFE with disappointment! It happens. You meet up with one woman and by the time your apps arrive she turns out to be nutballs. Or, you have a wonderful date with a perfectly decent guy who just vaporizes afterward and you never hear from him again. Please--dating humans already has its challenges. I don't think that meeting people online has anything on the reality of actual dating. It's just par for the course. Next?

ISSUE #2: You Might Get Overwhelmed & Make a Bad Choice
From the study: "Dating sites provide access to more potential partners than do traditional dating methods, but the act of browsing and comparing large numbers of profiles can lead individuals to commoditize potential partners and can reduce their willingness to commit to any one person."

Now, I understand the detrimental psychological effects of too much choice on the human brain, thanks to some great reads on the topic (The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz is one, and The Art of Choosing by Sheena Iyengar is another). There is some added pressure with added choices. And Iyengar, whom I interviewed a few years back, told me that we have to find ways to limit our own selection of whatever it is--jeans, yogurts, sofas, so that we don't go nuts. Got it. As for whether we could make a bad choice? Um, we don't need the internet for that to happen, in love or elsewhere.

But another assertion being made is that we a) won't make a choice, b) will make a bad choice, or c) won't commit to one person because there are so many options. Wait a minute. Do we really think that people are having trouble committing to relationships because of too many online profiles? If that's the case, then should we blame the population explosion on that, too? Or large cities?

The decision to commit to one other person (if that's what you're into, and not everyone is) emerges ultimately from a range of other decisions and factors, and I'm guessing that "Honey, there are just so many profiles on there--I need more time" probably isn't one of them. That would also assume that people who grow up in small towns with fewer options never have a problem with commitment. I'd like to see the numbers on that.

Not to mention that the notion that there are just too many great options available as far as dating goes flies in the face of almost anything you'll read or hear about regarding the search for a partner. How many single women do you know have given up on dating altogether simply because of the sheer abundance of options ("Too many guys named Dave! I give up!")

In fact, what you read lately is that there are fewer marriage prospects for women, not too many. What you hear from women by and large is that "there's no men out there." And while I don't buy into that scarcity mindset, I also think that dating sites could trash the algorithms altogether and just say, "We have simply too many dudes to choose from." Ladies will flock.

ISSUE #3: Online Dating Turns Love Into a Shopping Trip
One of the researchers quoted in the Reuters story (which ran on HuffPo) laments that online dating is comparable to supermarket shopping--not only are there too many options, but that the search for a partner becomes transactional--and feels less like meeting people and more like poking around on Zappos. (That Zappos comparison is mine, not theirs.)

I don't think I need to tell you this but....women, by and large, are sort of partial to shopping. I don't believe there's anything innately harmful about looking at and "shopping" for people online. It's fun (it's also free for the most part, unlike those boots), and enables lots of little points of interaction with people you might not meet otherwise, period. The goal of online dating is of course to get offline, and while experts say "oh yeah well you can't really know someone by just reading a profile," well, you don't know zip about someone who bellies up to the bar beside you, either. That's the process of discovery, and what dating is all about.

In fact, I'll turn this around and say that in fact, I feel a little out of my depth when, after meeting people online, I meet someone in real life (which, yes, I do) and have nothing to go on--no cheat sheet or briefing that I could have looked over just to get an idea of who THEY say they are. I don't have false confidence that I know someone because I read his profile; I do, however, get an idea of how he chooses to present himself, and that speaks volumes.

And Lastly, Another Dumb Comment
Another dumb comment I read in one of the articles is this: "There is definitely an audience for quick access to hundreds of people online. Perhaps it's not the most effective way to meet your soul mate, but it is efficient for scooping up a dinner date."

Since when did scooping up a dinner date replace the meeting of a soul mate? Who's to say that dinner date doesn't end up being someone you fall deeply in love with--or perhaps, neither of you fall in love but end up being good friends. This kind of thinking is reductive and annoying because in an attempt to disavow online dating as having any promise, it also sucks the promise out of virtually any interaction. Part of the fun of meeting anyone is that you never know where it will go. Who needs algorithms? The magic of any interaction, romantic or otherwise, happens when you simply add two people and stir.

Take Back the Reins
I think this comes down to taking the reins of our romantic lives. If you were depending on an algorithm to do the heavy lifting for you, well, I got news for you. If you do decide to go the online dating route (and I for one highly recommend it as an adjunct), it should and cannot replace your own efforts to make things happen in the romance department. The sooner we take an active role in who we meet and how we meet them, the more in control and fulfilled we are, not just in our love lives, but in our lives in general.

Terri Trespicio is a writer, host, healthy living expert, and creative consultant, and founder of bestdecisionallday.com. Visit her there, or at trespicio.com.