What's the deal with men and women's butts? Real guys do their best to explain.
- Justin DeMarco, BettyConfidential.com
"There is no better sight than a shapely butt that looks like an apple you want to take a bite out of tucked underneath a tight skirt or being hugged by a pair of jeans," Bruce, a 36-year-old Massachusetts sports writer, says. "A little wiggle or shake turns my head every time."
To answer the question: yes. Yes. YES! Men love big butts and cannot lie. The way other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist and a round thing in their face, they get sprung. Fine, I just intentionally plagiarized a rapper named Sir Mix-A-Lot, but no one has ever said it better. (Bruce, don't worry, you're a close second.)
Big butts are where it's at. Sure, men love boobs, but booties are the only body part we can feel free to glance at any time, any place, and not have to face the consequences of being looked at as a creep by the woman we're sneaking a peek at.
"If butt guys were easy to spot, women would have eyes in the back of their heads," says Mike, a 27-year-old New York City Police Officer. "That's the only way they'd know. A boob guy, on the other hand, is usually front and center and is easy to spot."
Glancing guilt-free is only the start when it comes to the perks of the good ol' fashioned behind.
"The bigger, the better," Ahmad, a 25-year-old co-manager of a Brooklyn supermarket, says. "My big hands need a big butt to grab on. Little butts are a turn-off. It's like grabbing a tennis ball."
Ross, a 24-year-old law student from Maine, doesn't like to compare a woman's anatomy to a sporting object. Rather, he uses Charles Darwin's theory of 'Survival of the Fittest' when it comes to butts. "Women with smaller butts seem too weak or fragile," he says. We know what happens to the weak and fragile in Darwin's world, but in ours, they just won't be approached by Ross at a bar.
So what do guys consider to be the perfect butt size?
"38-48 inches," Malik, a 39-year-old Brooklyn salesman, says. "Big booties are the best. I love the weight."
Chad, a 26-year-old New Yorker, must not have had his tape measure handy, but he knows his butt shape A, B, C's, and his favorite are the "D's." "The key to a perfect ass is all about the profile," the accountant/writer says. "You want the tush to come out from the seat, not the waist - almost like a lower case 'd', but not as ridiculous."
In most cases, it's what you wear that's going to help accentuate your features. While jeans and short-shorts certainly help enhance a woman's junk in the trunk, Bruce the sports writer still enjoys what women wore in his Glory Days; even if it's his own girlfriend who is letting it all hang out.
"When I was younger, I wanted any girl I was with to wear baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants anytime she left the house," Bruce says. "Now, I don't care. I like to stare at every nice bootie I see, so why shouldn't everyone else? Anytime you can make another guy look at your girl, then look at you and say, 'How on Earth did that guy end up dating that ass?' is a good thing. As far as what women should wear, I'm still stuck a decade or two in the past. I like skirts and nylons, which you don't see that often anymore. An 80-year-old woman could walk past me wearing black nylons and I'd still look twice."
The key to maintaining that nice backside, so Bruce will still stare at you when you're 80, is not a mystery. It's all about the effort you put into looking your best.
"Hit the gym," Jake, a 25-year-old PR guy living in Vermont, says. "Just take care of yourself. You don't have to be perfect, but don't neglect it. Remember, as Kate Moss says, 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' Also, never wear padded panties if you think your butt is too small, that's just a major turn-off."
If you have a big butt and think it may be too big, or have a small one and want to add a little something extra, don't fret (and seriously, please don't wear padded panties). We don't expect you to look like Kate Moss if you're built like Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez. We just want you to be proud of what your mama gave you.
"Many other factors go into why a guy likes a woman - it's not just because her butt is too small or even too big," Mike the police officer says. "That being said, a woman with curves who stays in shape will absolutely have an advantage."
After all, as Freddie Mercury sang, "Fat bottomed girls/ You make the rockin' world go round."
Please, keep the world going, ladies.
Tell us: Do you love your bootie? Does your man love it even more?
Justin DeMarco is a New York City-based writer. He co-wrote Hockey: The Musical with Rick Wilson, which premiered at the Toronto Fringe Festival in 2008.