Do You Want to Have Sex With Mark Wahlberg or Christian Bale?
Both 'The Fighter' actors are completely boinkable!
- Shari Goldhagen, BettyConfidential.com
In The Fighter, Mark Wahlberg, 39, and Christian Bale, 36, play boxing half-brothers with an often-contemptuous relationship in and out of the ring.
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While both boys are plenty yummy, BettyConfidential started wondering which welterweight would win in a different arena . . . the bedroom. Here's our very scientific breakdown.
Hero Worship
Wahlberg's sorta played a few hero-ish types-wanna-be football star Vince Papale in Invincible, a video game assassin in Max Payne, an astronaut in Planet of the Apes, and of course his porn star alter ego Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights has probably seemed superman to many. But. . .
The latest actor to don cape and cowl as Batman, Bale definitely has the edge. It's just so much sexier if your boyfriend flakes on plans because he's saving Gotham from the Joker's laughing gas and not because he got drunk with his buddies after work. And he's got all those great toys-the Batmobile, Batplane, Batvibrator. Plus there are all those injuries to kiss better.
Banging Bod
Bale's buff. . . sometimes. He tends to take his roles pretty seriously (enough that he infamously scolded a crew member for walking through a scene and taking him out of character on the Terminator set) and he frequently gives his bathroom scale a workout in the name of character development. For The Machinist he shed 63 pounds from his 6-foot frame getting down to a manorexic 122; a year later he downed the power shakes and pumped iron to fill out the Batsuit. In The Fighter, he plays drug-addicted Dicky Eklund and is back to scary skinny. We can't say we likey.
Wahlberg meanwhile is consistently blessed in this department. Let us all take a minute to remember Marky Mark's stint as an underwear model for Calvin Klein. All those perfect, never-meaty muscles; his physique so captivating he was featured in a ginourmous billboard above Times Square. Still it is important to note Wahlberg's big reveal in Boogie Nights wasn't all natural. "I don't' have a 13-inch penis," he said. "There were make-up artists, wardrobe, special effects."
Sense of Humor
People often say "sense of humor" when asked the most important feature of a potential lover; often they say this but actually mean "banging bod" (see above). Still, a little laughter goes a long way, especially if a sex stunt goes awry. So which of our fearless fighters brings the most funny?
Bale isn't an actor known for his comedic chops. In addition to his broody Bruce Wayne, he has played a broody magician in The Prestige, a broody cowboy 3:10 to Yuma, a broody robot slayer in Terminator Salvation, a broody savior in Mary, Mother of Jesus and the list goes on--all these over-y think-y Hamlets much too mopey for fun in the sack. To be fair in 2000's satirical American Psycho, Christian was hysterical as an investment banker with a penchant for Phil Collins tunes and serial murder, but this doesn't count toward good in bed points for obvious reasons.
While the Funky Bunch is pretty freaking funny, perhaps accidentally, Wahlberg's resume, with its cop dramas and action flicks, doesn't exactly read like a yuck fest either. This summer he got a chance to get his slapstick on alongside Will Ferrell in The Other Guys. And he's served as executive produce to cable comedies Entourage and How to Make it in America-both of which have enough ha has to convince us he as least can be in the same room with funny.
Read Will Ferrell vs. Mark Wahlberg
Mama's Boy
Our grandma, who's been married many times, always told us you can tell a lot about the kind of boyfriend a man will make based on how he treats his mother (we know, a little creepy).
Wahlberg takes the win here by a mile. He's famously close to mama; bought her a $5 million home in Beverly Hills in 2001, and, along with his brothers, owns a Boston restaurant named Alma Nove in her honor.
Bale's matriarchal sitch isn't quite as cheery. Scotland Yard officers questioned him for five hours for allegedly shoving his mama before the London premiere of The Dark Knight in 2008. Though no charges were filed, the fact that his mama and sis called the police doesn't exactly indicate a strong bond. The fight allegedly began after Bale's mom insulted his wife, so we will award some conciliatory points for sticking up for you lady.
The verdict. Ohh it's hard to say. We want to manhandle Mark's muscles but making out in the Batcave sounds awesome, too. . . Probably a mood point anyway. Bale has been married to former model (and Winona Ryder's former assistant) Sandra Blažić since 2000 and they have a daughter, while Walberg and model/wife Rhea Durham are expecting baby number five next year.
Shari Goldhagen is the author of Family and Other Accidents.
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