YOUR FRIENDS' ACTIVITY

    Does becoming friends with an ex really work?

    By | Love + Sex – Mon, Apr 20, 2009 8:35 PM EDT

    So, one of the ghosts from my past has been texting me-incessantly-for the past week. He was never a boyfriend, rather, he and I were part of a complicated friends-with-benefits relationship that was so unhealthy for both of us (or at least, it was unhealthy for me)

    Anyway, he needs to stay in my past. And I wrote an e-mail stating that. The e-mail was was epic and sad and referenced Bertolucci and Eugene O'Neill and Arthur Miller and was really one of those e-mails that should have remained in my draft folder. Here are the central paragraphs:

    It was good having a textversation with you last night. I really do hope you get what you want-and I hate how all of our attempts at earnest communication end up so maudlin and over the top.

    I do still think about you. And I do think you're a good person. But I also think we aren't good for each other. (Or, we wouldn't have been good together if we'd ever actually been together, which we never were, which is a whole issue in itself.)

    Vulnerability and sex and some absolute moments of catharsis do not a relationship make. And we've always been clear we'd never wanted a relationship with each other. And right now, I need a relationship. I need a lot of things and I know I just can't see you.

    Anyway, he wrote back a similarly long e-mail and said, among other things, that he felt we had a chance to be good, perhaps even great friends. And that he hopes that door isn't closed.

    For so many reasons, I'm not continuing contact with him. But that made me wonder: I know plenty of people who are friends with their exes (and even more who are not!) But for the ones who are-do you have a secret that makes it work?

    And also: I was sort of proud of my goodbye e-mail!

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