I have never been good at letting go. It is something I know about myself but don't know how to change.
I hold on to things much longer than most would-longer than is good for me, and long enough to get hurt more than once or twice or a dozen or so times. I am pig headed and stubborn and I have a hard time giving up. I am not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. I think sometimes it is truly both.
When are we supposed to give up on the people we love-if ever? When is the point where we say to ourselves, "I have had enough and now I must walk away"? And does it make us stupid to continue to believe in someone who has stopped believing in us or even in themselves?
Someone, tell me how to do this without regret, without the nagging thought that I threw in the towel too soon, without the wondering of if I had just held on a bit longer maybe everything would have changed. It is hard I think for most people to turn off their feelings, to stop loving someone even when it is pointless. What is the moment that overcomes us to know when it is finally over?
I think about the times people may have wanted to give up on me or have been tired of listening to me and my "issues" or me and my "tragedies" or even me and my "joys". I think about those in my life whom I may have hurt countless times that may have loved me anyway. I think of those who may have become bored simply listening to me-especially if I was not listening to them enough. I hope there are not too many. The saddest thing is I really don't know.
People have disappeared out of my life in the blink of an eye. Is it me? Is it them? What is it that causes someone to simply walk away when all I wanted was them to stay? When did they give up on me and when did they have enough? How did they know? And most of all-do they regret it?
Maybe I have just answered my own questions here in this rambling. I don't want to regret it. I fear in letting someone go that I will regret it. I assume it is some half-cocked way to make sure I won't-this hanging on too long thing.
It may also be that I am some crazy control freak and am unwilling to leave it to God or the Universe or even the other person to do with what they may. I have a hard time saying, "I can't fix this." And, "It's up to you now." I tend to believe that if I stick around long enough I will find some magic words to make everything okay. But that is not within my power. It really isn't.
I don't know how to fix this part of me. I don't even know if I am supposed to fix my eternally optimistic frame of mind that those I love are worth holding onto even as they slip away. I will just continue to annoy them and be a cling-on until the Universe intercedes and breaks my heart free.
Monika M. Basile