This time of year is a strange one for me. I call it the Holiday Drawback. This is when relationships that ended, men I have loved... tend to seep their way back into my life or at least attempt to. I used to think it was because maybe, somehow, it could all be relived-but that isn't the reason at all.
I think that sometimes people look for the people they let go of who were good to them, as one looks for a set of carelessly misplaced keys. The key word here is carelessly, not misplaced. It has taken me a while to realize that but I do understand it now.
No one wants to be alone on the holidays or even living with someone who makes them feel alone. So instead they think back to a time when someone was good to them or saw the wonder in them or simply enjoyed the person they were. And they are drawn back, back to that time when maybe they felt really good for a bit. Then the thoughts get swirling wicked crazy. What happened? Hey, why did that end? Hmmm, I wonder if she still thinks of me. Etc.
I have an answer. You carelessly misplaced me. You, Sirs, were not careful with what should have been valuable to you-and you didn't realize that I knew who I was and what my value was and is. I also, dear Sirs, knew that you were worth something too. That is what you miss...the lot of you. You miss one of the people in the world who knew you were someone special, something great, someone worth loving.
It isn't easy for me in the least to not get drawn back into it all. It's actually quite difficult to say, "No thank you. I can't. I hope you're well etc." When my heart of hearts instead wants to scream out, "Why did you do that to me? Why are you too late?" It is harder to keep going on alone, not knowing what will happen next, but with a knowing that something will definitely happen next even if I don't have a clue of what it will be. I know that my life will keep going forward unless I allow the Holiday Drawback to suck me in-however tempting that may be. It isn't worth it. It keeps me standing still or worse yet, falling backward.
They say men look for the challenge. They want a challenge as they find the woman of their dreams. I say the challenge is not in capturing a woman's heart, it is in keeping it. Why hunt the mighty bear to simply toss it in the woods for the scavengers? There is no point in that. The challenge is to not be careless and misplace what you hold most dear-what is truly valuable. Hearts are fragile and should be handled with the utmost care.
Yes, sometimes things change-people do or situations. There are mistakes made and regrets hashed over. A second chance can be possible with growing. I have grown too. I have grown wiser and a bit more cautious but not bitter as you may assume. I am not against forgiveness. In fact, I am a firm believer in it. I also believe that loneliness can drive us backwards and cloud our vision of the future as well as the here and now. "The Season" shouldn't be the reason. It is bittersweet to come to the realization but I am grateful for it.
Monika M. Basile