Enough with All the Mixed Messages About Love, or My Head Will Explode!

Love my Shine family: Andrea, Peachy, Stormyrider, Michael (the poet), Jules, Michael V, OMG, I'm drawing a blanc, but don't be alarmed: my memory has always been cranky. Post here if you remember me, but know that I don't always see the comments. I miss you all. :(

As always SoCal what a wonderful post. I am with you about all the confusing messages we get from these so-called "Relationship" books. One tells you to have a pair and a spare, the next tells you to only date one at a time, one says to have sex, the next one says don't give out the cookie til 90 days, etc. Being true to ourselves seems like the best course of action. I agree with your statement that the men around you are definitely missing out on one FABULOUS woman. Don't stay away for so long, your Shine family misses you. Take care hun...hugs!

Socal nice to see you back! I like your post, your comment about not chasing after men?? I'm not sure that agree? my g/f recently tracked me down from the past, we knew of each other back in high school, both were married, raised kids, found each other and now we are in love, its only been 6 1/2 months but she makes me feel like no one has ever made me feel before and I just know she will be my 3rd and final chapter of my life.
Point is, one never knows when love is just around the corner for them, never give up.
Good luck to you! and as always look forward to reading more of your post.

This chick gets my vote.

Hey SoCal, nice to see you posting on here! I agree with what you said. I can't believe John Gray said that, and frankly I don't see the correlation, but who knows. I wouldn't give up volunteering either. The playing hard to get is also correct. Most men I know (myself included) hate game playing. Life is too short for that nonsense. Yet they continue to post articles on this site how women should play hard to get /rolls eyes/.

Best of luck to you!

The worst part about all the advice is how conflicting it is. Play hard to get. Don't play hard to get. Ask the guy out. Always make him ask you out. Put yourself out there. Just do your thing.

At the end of the day, all of that advice works for some people and doesn't work for others. Following one instead of another or just doing the opposite will net you the same result overall.

Finding the right person requires luck. Luck, because it's a bit like finding a needle in a haystack, except that the needle looks exactly like hay. The best we can really do is try to do things that make that needle stand out just a little bit more. This is why joining clubs is good. You're increasing the time you spend around people with similar interests. Going out more is good because you spend more time around other people.

The best advice I can give, to your growing pile of advice that isn't very helpful, is to not let the romantic search matter to you. If it goes well, great, but if it doesn't, so what. At first it may be hard to do, but eventually you come to realize that worrying about whether the guy's going to call is just futile. Let it be what it is, if it is good, rejoice, and if it's bad, avoid it, but if it is just another day without a man, do not let it matter. If you're happy with your life and the way you spend your time, then you've done well. If your happiness requires more from others, no matter how little that "more" is, you will suffer needlessly.

Hey, I have some good advice too. Do whatever comes naturally. That way, you will attract whatever you are supposed to attract. Do sage hens read articles about how to boom? No!!! they just blow out their chests as big as they can, kick all of the little guys that they can out of the middle of the booming ground, and the strongest males end up with the most fit females. Works that way in human life to. Ugly or obnoxious people get to deal with other ugly obnoxious people. Cool fun people get to hang out with cool fun people. When people lie or try to game the system, because of our coupling norms, they subject themselves and others to difficult situations.

hug...It isn't easy. Sometimes being alone is fun. I enjoy spending seeing sights in New Orleans alone. I talk to tourists and write. Sometimes it is lonely. The happiest most connected people have lonely moments at times. Enjoy the present. Enjoy the people who you have. The rest may come or not. Life is good right now anyway.

Sheila, I’m sorry to hear that you are still alone and can’t seem to find meaningful companionship. I’m not sure if you appreciate constructive criticism, but take this for whatever it’s worth to you.

When I first saw your image here, it was a black bustier. What sort of impression do you make with that? If you’re not a professional dominatrix, then that says “play toy” for a man, instead of serious woman, who desires a serious relationship. Lingerie is fine, in the BEDROOM, not as the sole image that you present to men when you are looking to date. The face pic on hub pages is perfect. Pretty blonde. Why would you not use that everywhere?

Next, you posted a face pic here. But the makeup is simply horrible. Face way too white. Lips way too red. Eyes way too black. If you were 14, I would assume you were some goth girl. But, at your age, it simply means poor makeup skills. Get a professional make-over and watch and learn. Use the same colors and techniques, and do what the stylist does. The angle is all wrong here too. Use a real digital camera, not a cell. Have a friend take the pic, and perhaps do it outside, for the best lighting. The hub pages image is fine. The one directly above is terrible. You want to put your BEST face forward, always.

Then, the crazy list. “I want everything and everything, plus the man has to shoot these intense chemistry darts that get me hot and weak, too!” I think you summed it up by saying “I want a hero!” I posted a comment to others here, telling them to have REALISTIC expectations, and you came back and told me “Cynical much? Don’t take the wind out of my sails”. So, I just laughed to myself and allowed you to go off on this ridiculous tangent. “She’ll learn in her own sweet time!” I said. Reasonable expectations will produce reasonable results. Demanding everything will result in NOTHING! Experienced women already know this. Beginners make up these crazy lists, which no man can possibly ever match.

Then, you made up this whole ridiculous drama from a series of EMAILS. I’m guessing that some 300-pound homeless guy sent you an email with some romance nonsense that he copied off the INTERNET. And, you turned him into some sort of “dark knight’ and tried to make him into the hero that you have been dreaming about since you were a child. “We were going to see Paris for the first time in our lives and enjoy croissants with our morning coffee” you said. All this drama over a loser who copied some romance nonsense off the internet? A comment said “LMAO You never met the guy!! Gawd, such ridiculous drama” and they were exactly right.

Any experienced dater can easily see that you are a desperate beginner who is hoping to find the “One” and make him into everything that you ever dreamed of. Experienced women are far more casual. They date, but they don’t put all this pressure on men to be the One. They sort of chill and focus on letting real love grow, over time.

The problem is all personality and behavior, not looks. Too desperate and determined to find this one great love of your life and have this ridiculously romantic affair that sounds more like a dream come true. When any normal man comes along, he doesn’t even come close to matching any of your qualifications and you are quite disappointed. This becomes as obvious as a slap in the face, and two dates later, the poor guy runs away, never to return.

Try being more accepting to people, as they are. Try looking for the good in the men that you meet, and try to accept the fact that they are not quite the heros that you require they be. Less push to turn each and every man that you meet into the One, and more casual dating and normal escalation of feelings.

Continued below…

(1) Never follow advise that you find in published books. The books are not written to help
they are written to help the writer fiancially. Reading your second paragraph you come
across as being just a bit desperate, and your whole goal is to find that soulmate. Date
because it is fun and something to enjoy, and not a chore that you hate.
(2) To volunteer is a noble thing I applaude you for it. But find a hobby to enjoy and I don't
mean bird watching. I do Aerobatics have been in the sport for over 25 years. I fly
aircraft to as close to their design limit as possible without getting them into a coffin
corner and making it look like a aerial ballet. Find a hobby where people enjoy being
alive and you will meet those type of people.
(3) Play hard to get? That is an ok trait if you are 19 years old. Grown women that want to
find someone that keeps more than a passing fancy for them do not.
(4) Be up front tell a person of interest who you are, and what you are, their is nothing worse
than finding out the person you want to be with the rest of your life is an axe murderer (5) We as humans should not need anyone. We should crave, and want a certain person of
interest, but to need....well it just makes us come off as needy.
(6) Let men pursue you, that is probably one of the most idiotic pieces of advise one human
gives another. All the women that came before you and fought an uphill battle for equal
right should land a Jethero Gibbs on you.. If you see something you want go for it any
man that is not an emotional cripple will be impressed with it, and if he isn't ok with it,
then stop and think for a minute......do you want to spend the rest of your life with
someone like that.
(7) Their was no seven but I added it anyway. By looking at your first photo at the top you
appear as a well honed women that pays attention to detail, your body is healthy
and probably well exercised. You appear to be fairly young but however you seem to
be trying to hide something in the second photo. With facial features as pretty as
yours, I cannot understand the reason behind the extremely heavy makeup, it
gives you a washed out look. In your case less would be more..

In a relationship, ALL games are bad. The problem is, some people think some games are acceptable. Not! There's a huge difference between playing games and maintaining some mystery especially in the early parts of a relationship. Being who you are doesn't mean having diarrhea of the mouth. Getting to know each other fast or slow doesn't matter as long as you two are really getting to know each other.

Men should pursue women. Men, by nature are aggressors. If a woman throw herself at a man, she will never know if he really wants her or if she is a convenience. When a man wants a woman, she will know about it.

Have missed you SoCal. Its your buddy GeorgiaGirl.... I changed up a bit, lol and for a reason of course. Anyway, I have missed you, where have you been? Are you going to be back for good now?

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"No more chasing after men. Ever. I am a DARN GOOD CATCH. Guys: take note-- you lost a good thing."

Sorry, it's got to be 50/50. Do you part if you want a good, smart man.