feather in Port Townsend cabin
I am sure there is no true, all encompassing definition of love. I believe there are many skewed ones, self righteous ones and even bizarre ways to define an indescribable feeling. The trick of it is to find someone's twisted view of it or wonderful view of it to be in tune with your own. I think this is where the magic may lie. I think this is also where the heartache and the confusion begins too.
If we don't agree on or at least somewhat agree on what love means to us personally, then we will never have what we seek and we will not feel loved enough to fulfill us. We will feel as if we have not been loved "well". We will blame our partner for not living up to what we thought love should be because what they thought love should be is completely different.
I have been loved in a multitude of ways. But the most important way that I need is for someone to be there. This is the simple part of expressing love to me personally, be there, truly. This is something that I even bring up in the beginnings-time. Give me your time and spend some time with me. Your time is valuable yet free. I understand having a full life, I have one too, but fit me in just as I fit you in. And if you cannot make time, move along on your merry way and let me go softly.
Love is prioritizing. It is a juggling act to keep all parts of our lives going without dropping any of the balls or at least picking them up quickly when we do. It isn't to be expected that one ball will hang in the air until we are ready to catch it. That ball will bounce away and roll under the refrigerator and collect dust bunnies, or outside where somebody else will pick it up and add it to what they are juggling. This seems to be the case with the men I meet who are not good with keeping all of their figurative balls in the air and like to blame it on being a "free spirit". This is not exclusive to men-many women do the same thing.
The free spirit: a person who thinks and acts in a free way without worrying about normal social rules. I hear this one so much in and out of relationships. As if being a free spirit excuses someone from giving their time or courtesy or kindness. Being a free spirit does not make one selfish or self centered. It just means you are a bit different, you do things in a non-conformist way, you think a bit further outside of all the boxes of society.
"I could go off to California at any time. You have kids. You couldn't go with me. I would want you to follow me. What then? I'm a free spirit you know...but I want to be with you because I am really falling for you." Yes, I know. As you knew I had children and parents getting up in age and a variety of other responsibilities when we first started.
"I love you in my own little way. I really do. Can't we have what we have and not get all emotional about it? I'm just always going to be a free spirit." Oh, you mean where you are around when you feel like it and I am at your beck and call? And sir, what is more emotional than love?
"I love you, Monika. I mean I REALLY love you. I have to do my own thing. You know I have to look out for number one first, right? Baby, I'm a free spirit and you can't tie me down or own my kind of man. Don't see anyone else, ok??" Ha ha ha. That one made me laugh and made me a bit angry.
I have also come to the realization that my idea, my definition, my very belief about love is simply different. It is most likely not even the norm of society's either. Could it possibly be that I am, in fact, the one who is actually the free spirit? It's quite a surprise.
I don't fault these men for loving in the way they feel is being loving. We are who we are. We think what we think. We love how we love. I only fault that in their need to fly away or hover around as "free spirits" they would like to clip my wings, and chain me to a perch insisting I sit quietly hoping for them to land.
Monika M. Basile
feather in Port Townsend cabin