Men come clean about the post-date phone call and when it's going to come - if at all.
- Justin DeMarco, BettyConfidential.com
The problem with dating in such a technologically advanced world is knowing how easy it is for someone to get back in touch with you after a date. Somehow the simplicity of communication has complicated the post-date follow-up for many guys, leaving women wondering when (or if) he'll call, text, e-mail, BBM or whatever else you can do these days.
With no standard rule on when men should call back, there can be any number of reasons why a guy doesn't reconnect with you right away. One thing is for sure though - all men do have a method to their dating madness.
He Wants to Make You Sweat
Some guys like Mike, a 25-year-old living in New York City who works in Human Resources, know that showing too much excitement can actually make a girl lose interest. In an effort to counterbalance the mindset of some women he's dated, Mike holds off on immediately calling women back.
"It probably sounds dumb, but I think girls like a guy who plays a little hard to get," Mike says. "I've learned from personal experience that girls usually get turned off when someone is too 'accessible.'"
Waiting a day or two to get in touch is what Jeremy, a 27-year-old living on Long Island in delivery and logistics, calls the "reflection period."
"If a date went well, usually a day of rest would give both sides time to reflect on the date," he says. "I feel if a guy calls a woman the day after a date it shows too much desperation for retaining a relationship that hasn't been established."
And if he calls you two weeks later, Plans "A" through "D"probably all fell through, or the note on his homing pigeon took longer than expected to arrive.
You Blew It
Other men, like Leandro, a 25-year-old from Brazil, prefer taking it slow when they're dating, especially on the first date.
"I wouldn't call back a girl who tells me everything about her life right away, makes out with me on the first date, and then sleeps with me," the entertainment producer says. "I would call her back if she let me discover her and want to want her. Chasing and conquering her is much more satisfying."
Aside from Leandro sounding as if he's going to hunt down a lion on safari in Africa instead of courting a woman, he has a valid point. Usually, unless your a friend of a friend, men don't know much about your past sexual history. So, if you sleep with him on the first date, he may think you're just looking for a little something, something.
Having Control is Power
Sometimes when a guy doesn't call you back or follow through on a date it has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with you. It has everything to do with him.
Andrew, a 30-year-old radiation therapist living in New York City, used to pull "no-shows" on dates because a woman he was really into stood him up.
"This was really mean, but I would call the girl about 30 minutes before the date, tell her I was at the place, and then never show or call her back," Andrew says. "Sometimes you play the part of how you were burned. I was burned by a girl whom I used to talk to on the phone every night. We set a date, I went to the place, and she wasn't there. I waited 20 minutes and she still didn't show. So, I called her - no answer. Finally, I called back and she picked up to say, 'I have no interest in you, why do you keep calling me?' Looking back on it now, I did the same thing in revenge. I am sorry to whoever I did that to."
More than anything else, Andrew's story is a reminder that dating can be brutal at times and you have to remain confident in yourself. In a case such as this, you are definitely not the problem.
It's Just Bad Timing
As my crazy Uncle Johnny once told me, "There's no such thing as love, but there is timing." That may be a bit extreme, but timing is definitely a major factor when it comes to dating.
"There was this girl I was dating for a few months, but she didn't want to commit, so I continued going on dates with other women," Juan, a 38-year-old physical therapist born in Puerto Rico, says. "I met this new girl and had a few dates with her - she was awesome. But then, my old girl all of a sudden changed her mind and wanted to settle down, so I stopped talking to the new girl out of respect for the one I had been dating longer."
"He's Just Not That Into You"
And, of course, the number one reason why guys don't call a girl back is because they weren't interested in you. Either your physical appearance didn't do it for them or the spark was plain missing. Whatever it was, it isn't happening.
"I'd say the cut off is a work week - five days," Marc, a 32-year-old accountant living in Connecticut, says. "Sometimes it takes a couple of days to get back to a girl, but if she doesn't hear from me within five days she better not be waiting any longer."
But There Are Exceptions…
While some guys think dead air is enough of a message, there are gentlemen like Brad, a 29-year-old Legislative Aide in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, who knows what it's like to be waiting around for a phone call. Brad preaches accountability on a daily basis for work, and practices the same thing when it comes to his own dating life.
"When you're in a new relationship - even if it's just been one date - you feel the anticipation and excitement of being able to discover a new person. You're eager to do it and can't wait soon enough for that call," he says. "That's why I'd never let a girl dangle, waiting for a call that won't come. If it's not going to happen, I'm going to let her know so that she can move on. It's about basic respect for other peoples emotions."
In summary, ladies, if it's been a few days since your date, you still have a shot of hearing from him. If it's been a few weeks, it's time to face the music and realize, he had a reason for not calling, and you shouldn't be wasting your time wondering why.
Tell us: When do you give up on hearing back from a guy?
Justin DeMarco is a New York City-based writer. He co-wrote Hockey: The Musical with Rick Wilson, which premiered at the Toronto Fringe Festival in 2008.
To read more from BettyConfidential:
The Best Places to Meet a Guy
What We Learned from Men's Magazines in May
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