Gwyneth Paltrow: Our Crazy Roller Coaster Romance
It's Gwyneth Paltrow's birthday today, and I'll confess: my relationship with the actress/singer/lifestyles guru/wife/mother/chef/rap aficionado/fluent Spanish speaker is a little stalker-ish. Like any addiction, it's the combination of celestial highs and belly-in-the-gutter lows that keep me coming back for more.
Yes, I dubbed her Nashville flick "Country Strong Smelling," but also deem "Shakespeare in Love" one of the all-time great romance movies. Her website GOOP is insufferably pretentious, but damned if I haven't checked it for cleanse tips. I also know she was cursed with a "long butt" -until celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson (nope, didn't have to Google that name, its just there in my brain, because I care) boosted it to the height where she can wear gowns with full on sheer side panels in public, for photographs.
Just when you think she's completely lost it by naming her kid "Apple," Gwyneth grabs you by the throat with her candid musings on the challenges of her marriage to Coldplay front man Chris Martin. Like any gal voted most popular, she's an "it" girl and a "mean" girl rolled into one mind-bendingly fascinating and yet repulsive gluten-free vegan burrito.
Over the years-and it's been nearly two decades-our relationship has weathered many ups and downs.
High: Learn that Gwyneth attended the Spence School, an all-girls academy where she served as student sex ed. advocate. I imagine her clacking brusquely down the halls in a gray flannel pleated skirt, navy blue blazer, and penny loafers, doling out condoms and STD prevention advice. She also wore braces, played sports, and learned to love female authors like Jane Austen and Emily Bronte.
High: From 1996-1999 she stars in a slew of fabulous movies beginning with "Emma." Her glowing performance in "Shakespeare in Love" nabs her an Oscar, which she collects looking like a princess in a classic pink taffeta Ralph Lauren gown.
Mixed: "Duets" is a flop and her number with Huey Lewis a disaster, but there is something sweet about the Academy Award winner taking a role in dad Bruce Paltrow's cinematic hot mess. He dies two years later from cancer during a family trip celebrating her 30th birthday. She's heartbroken, which is genuinely sad.
High: Gwyneth plays "Royal Tennenbaum's" ice queen Margot to perfection. Reveals beguiling, arch, self-mocking side.
Low: "Shallow Hal." Gwyneth dons a fat suit. Shows regular mocking side which we'll see much more of in years to come.
Low: Moves to London, adopts a British accent. Disses the States by saying, "I love the English way. It's less capitalistic than it is in America. People don't talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties." Three years later tells Elle magazine, "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year."
Low: Names daughter Apple. Says she'd rather die then "let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup." Dead mother or salty noodles, you be the judge.
High: Names son Moses after a song Martin wrote for her. Awww. Admits to suffering from post-partum depression, awful for her of course, and once again, disarmingly honest.
Low: Sings onstage with Jay-Z during his 2006 tour. Calls him "my best friend." Name checks him and Beyonce frequently from then on. Who's the stalker now?
Low: Launches know-it-all, Marie Antoinette-ish website GOOP. Provides overflowing cornucopia of obnoxious quotes such as, "I think we all begin the new year with thoughts of things we would like to improve, learn, be more disciplined about, cut out of our diets. In January 2007 I decided I'd had enough of my saddlebags and post-pregnancy Shar-Pei-like stomach." Also hawks items like $100 "perfect" white t-shirts. She started it in order to answer burning questions such as "where to get the best bikini wax in Paris."
High: Joins forces with the jolly and corpulent chef Mario Batali to make PBS show on Spanish food. Gwyneth actually eats, who knew?
High: Acts ugly, dies, and then looks ugly in a brief role but pivotal role in the medical thriller "Contagion." Coming during a lull in my fascination, this injects some energy into our relationship in a cackling, schadenfreude-y way. Ditto cat-suited, attention-hungry Grammy's performance with Cee-Lo Green.
Low: Stint on "Glee" makes show on watchable. We need a relationship break.
Low: She's back. Publishes cookbook called "It's All Good" in 2013, which promotes $300-a-day family meals as normal.
Low: Tells Harper's Bazaar that life's all about "finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu." Or is that a high?
Maybe I need a couple's therapist. Must ask GOOP.
