Healing in Romance

She opened her eyes from her slumber. Though the morning sun had rose, the clouds from last night's rain was still holding it back. The rays ran short as they peered through her blinds to inform her that it was morning. She looked over and noticed that her youngest son, Seven, had climbed in the bed with her. Thanking God that she didn't develop back pains from a 6 year old kneeing her all night. He actually kept his distance. Laying there for a brief moment she thought of Romance. Lately things had seemed a little off in their 5 month relationship than normal. Last night, she was unsure on rather it was any better.

Seemingly at odds, she had not really spoken, chatted, or messaged him all of the day before, except once. Even in that, she had to muster up enough courage to do so. She was afraid. Afraid to experience all the heartache that seemed to trail her when she grabbed love by the hand. She had sent him a video of her making a funny mockery of a Youtube video in hopes to lighten things up a little. How would he respond? Would he even respond at all? After all, the last set of Facebook messages didn't seem to go over well. So she thought.

Last night, holding her breath with a hope, she eventually checked to see if he was logged onto his yahoo account. To her pleasant amazement, he was. He was "idle" according to the available icon. She was not sure on rather to make the first move or wait to see if he was willing to approach her first. Her goal was not to make matters worst. For her, she had tried to be as honest about her feelings as possible (from day one) without nagging him. Yet, if there was a concern, how would anything get sorted out without communication? Though she had last messaged him to contact her around Monday in order to give them both a break, she was also aware that with time things can tarnish if unused. As a matter of fact, she believed it was one of the reasons why they were having the problem they were currently facing. Now, here she was. In love with him. Wanting to make the relationship work, but willing to let it go if it would make him happy. They both were capable of healing form a broken heart of disappointment. She contemplated the wisest move.

She had noticed that he did not respond to the video she had sent. That made her a little pensive and wondered as to why. Maybe he was still upset with her. She had thought about him all that day. Trying hard not to let on to her anguish for him through her FB status messages and how frequently she posted them. While Romance considered his FB status as small talk, she saw it quite differently. They were thoughts. Out of the 1 million thoughts a person could have, they chose which one to post. She didn't want to seem desperate. Desperation gave him more power over her heart than he already had. Rather he knew of this power was a different matter.

All this was driving her crazy. She remembered why she had avoided love for 4 years prior to meeting him. Yet, here she was in love again. Maybe she was fighting a loosing battle. Maybe it was time to really let it go. Maybe it was only going to get worst. After all, she was watching it dwindle. She was trying to catch it before they fell completely out of love with each other. But, upon bringing it to his attention he lashed out at her. She believed it had more to do with his frustration with school rather than her, but none the less, he was now angry with her too.

She took the breath she needed and set her mind to let the relationship go if needed be. Taking in the courage to face her fears, she instant messaged him again, accepting that it may be the last time, "Love u still". Not wanting to feel like a fool for staying around for a reply that she may not get, she began to immediately log out. Then she noticed that he was no longer idle. He was responding. What was he going to say? "Leave me alone"? She had heard that once before in a previous relationship. Was it going to be pleasant? Would he be willing to chat with her a little? She was nervous.

"Love u. Night" very briefly he put it.

She was slightly relieved that he still had it in his heart to love her, though she still did not feel that he was in love with her. That was the problem that she was trying to solve. She knew the difference in just loving someone and being in love. They were in love at one point, and she knew it. She wanted that back. She had been trying to navigate him emotionally back to how they felt when they first met, but her efforts were foiling right before her eyes.

As she laid there in bed, her thoughts of lat night were interrupted. A figure had stepped into the room. It was her oldest son, Mekhi. 12 years old in age. Still in his PJ's, he used his blanket as his house coat. She knew exactly what he wanted.

Wiping the sleep from her eyes, "No, honey. You can not get on the computer just yet."

"Oh, okay," he said a tad bit disappointed. He began to walk towards her.

"What does he want now?" she thought. She was use to having her mornings all to herself. Free to mentally prepare for the day. This was something she was not accustomed to.

"I just wanted to give you something", and he kissed her forehead.

She smiled in her heart as he walked away. She knew that it was God's way of reminding her that there was someone else who needed her love and actually wanted her love. Someone that was willing and available to be in love with in it's full. Her children. After all, she did tell God that she would provide and care for them if He would provide and care for her. She had to trust that for her love life too. Thus far, God had not sold her short. Providing a home, bills paid, and very seldom lacking a need. All without working in over 3 years. Besides, this romantic relationship with Romance had been a blessing of providing for the loneliness within her. It just came with a special responsibility of it's own and risks. Mekhi's kiss was a sweet reminder to heart.

She pulled back the covers, attempting to release any further thought into the matter of her relationship with Romance. At least the ones she found no peace in.

"Lord, I can only do so much. I can't make him fall back in love with me, miss me, desire me, be in utter gratitude to You for me as he once was. I just can't," she began the thoughts of acceptance as she made her way to the kitchen for her morning caffeine. "I was not responsible for it before, and I have no power over it now."

As the coffee brewed, she exchanged words of affection with Mekhi. Ensuring him that in a moments time he would have the computer time he so desired. For now, she had these thoughts she desperately felt like freeing and making known. Usually, through a blog of "how to's" and "truth's", but this time posed a little different. It needed a novel approach. She wanted to share her story. Partially, so that he would know her thought process. Primarily, just to get the thought's out of her system and move on.

She grabbed her coffee, following the steam that flowed from her cup, and walked back into her bedroom to sit at her computer, the alter of her "release". Taking in a brief moment of prayer, she began to flutter her heart amongst the keys. It felt great to be writing a novel again. She had written two before. They never got published and was eventually lost. This, she accepted as God's will. Thanking Him for the opportunity to find healing in writing them. The greater purpose served. The same purpose she will use now. She was unsure if her work was worth the attention of publishers, nor did she have the money to self publish. But she wanted tell her story. She wanted to heal. That was all that mattered.

It was obvious that this relationship was bringing out every fear she has collected throughout the years. She knew she had walls up, cuts and scrapes of the heart. She informed him of that when they first realized that their relationship with each other was developing into something quite different and special.

Her response to an FB message he left the day after their first date:

Yes, I have noticed the sexual intensity when turned on. You had ME running for the hills lol. But that's an awesome thing and yet kinda frightening for me lol. And here I was worried about u lol. I have been celibate for a reason. I'm a passionate lover, fickle at times as well. My heart is wild, and when untamed can cause a lot of unwanted problems. Sometimes it's reflected outwards, but oftentimes inwards. So I spend a great deal trying to protect both myself and partner from myself. I have accepted and played many roles when it comes to both love and sex. Some had fatal endings on my heart. Some left me with a feeling of nuthingness. Some even left me feeling thankful and empowered. So I have many complicated walls up. As a matter of fact some of these things I'm just now reflecting on within the last 3 months or so. I was a very discipline woman at one time. God sent a man that broke a huge barricade on my heart (a crush from 13 years ago) and I have been utterly confused since, thus trying to know myself better to help all involved with me to any degree. For wut reason He would allow such a thing I do not know, except I believe He has a greater plan for me.

His response:

lol well i dont wanna scare you too much lol. what kinda unwanted problems does your heart cause? I admit that i've been single for about 2 years because i feel that most girls i know wouldnt be right for me. Like when relaxing, i enjoy watching anime, playing games, playing music, or just doing random things. Many that i know would just consider it childish or something. My love life has been up and down through the years. But i believe that God has put those girls there so i know what i want and need and now i know not to settle for anything less like i used too. I just put my faith that He'll keep guiding me right. I've been confused myself too. kinda lonely too. I had bad girlfriend after bad girlfriend. But as a result i know many things not to do in relationships. If it would hurt me, then i know i wouldnt want to do it to whoever i'm with. or anyone for that matter.

Her response:

We'll catch up on the dating stories. I would love to hear ur stories and I could use someone to share mine with.

They did share some of those stories as the time went on. At least the ones that she had spent the last 4 years reflecting on. She was not prepared to find out that she was about live a new "unwanted problem." She did not know because she had not encountered the result of the damage done from her last and brief relationship. She would come face to face with this new "unwanted problem" with Romance.

Abandonment. This was due to suddenly being abandoned by her ex's in the past. The one before Romance, had chatted with her frequently, then one day just stopped. It took her 3 days to notice that he was not going to contact her any time soon. She later found that Romance would have moments where he did not contact her either.Thus, causing her to prepare for the painful process of letting go. The lack of contact meant to her that she was not on his mind that day. That brought pain, especially, considering that she thought of him constantly. Sometimes in 24 hour spurts, she would endure this. She was always relieved when she would find that Romance would return, but it continued to pose as an issue. She tried to find the medium ground for her and Romance as best she could. He obviously needed the freedom to toss her aside for a day. Why? She would never know. It wasn't like they saw each other everyday. For her, she needed to feel secure that all was well and that Romance indeed was madly in love with her.

She tried to inform him of this new found "unwanted problem" in hopes that he would not go another 24 hours forgetting about her. Yet, he push the bar of time by contacting her early one morning, no contact throughout the rest of the day, and finally slowing down for her the following evening. Not one indicator that he thought of her in between. Surely she thought of him the whole day. Taking moments to leave a brief message in his Yahoo IM when he returned. She even thought of calling, but she did not know his schedule. She figured he would contact her when he had time. Obviously, he never found it. She tried to let go and trust, she tried to give him at least 48 hours, but the damage from her heart would not sustain her. It took her 3 days of holding on to hope to find out that her ex had simply dropped her. She could not wait to heal from that type of pain again. She told Romance of her hearts delima, hoping that he would make it a point to remind her how madly in love he was with her and not to worry. Instead she experienced the pain many more times.

She couldn't take it anymore. There were more things out of Romance that she wanted, and she backed off in trying to retrieve them. Now all she needed and asked for was security of the heart that he could not seem to deliver on and she found it hard to adjust to. She decided to take a different approach. She never doubted that Romance loved her. That was not the problem. Her ex loved her too, yet, it did not stop prevent him from dropping the ball with her. Her children's father/dad loved her, yet, there was a reason that they were no longer together. Love was not the problem at all. Falling in love, being in love, and staying in love was. She assumed that if they could get back to the feeling place that Romance and her once shared together, then maybe she would feel secure enough to accept him being noncommunicable for 24 hours.

She began to reflect on previous messages during the new of their relationship.

His message to her after their third date of hanging out with her kids at the park:

Well i got home safely, I called but nobody answered. lol got to hear your voicemail tho :P

I'm going to be looking forward to the next time i see you. And thinking of you untill that time comes

I havent stopped thinking of you since we parted tonight. I'm hoping i dream about you. I know i'll be thinking of you when i awake too. Goodnight, The Woman who's holding on to my heart and making it feel so great. I agree with you. If this is friendship, then this is the pinnacle of friendships. and if it ever changes i only want it to go uphill from here (even though its already in the clouds)

Sweet dreams. i'll talk to you in the morning :)

She did not have to ask for this message. It was already set in his heart to give. She felt secure that she was on his mind, even while away. She thought it was him being unknowingly in love lead to such words. A sense of "in love' both were in denial about. Not only did they both unknowing experienced "love at first sight", but they also experienced "in love" at first sight. She wanted whatever had triggered those words in his heart to come back. The trigger of being "in love".

While in love, he seemed thankful to have her. In his thankfulness and appreciation, he desired her greatly. How could she bring that about? Her thoughts were to take a tip from the good ol' Bible.

Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have done them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

One day she decided to send him a message via FB trying to cover everything. Her fears, where they came from, her need, and her gratitude.

Her message to him 5 months into the relationship.

I just count my blessings that I get to hear from u at all until the day comes when it stops like a lot of other things.

The longer I go without hearing from you. The longer I go without seeing u, helps me to slowly let go.

Truth be told, I'm still in love with u just as much as I was when we first started hanging out together.

I believe u love me. But I do not think ur in love anymore. And it's ok. It's a very fine line that no one notice. I blogged about it lol. My first real blog... Yayee me!!!

U make me laugh, even when I'm mad at u. We similar interests. I'm highly attracted to you and so much more. I never had that before. I have had guys make me laugh, but not many that I can honestly say that I am attracted to. U were precious to me. I was thankful for the gift I had in u.

I want that feeling I had our first month, before the day u neglected to contact me for the first time. Just a little less on fears of uncertainty so I can enjoy it more lol. And I want it to stay that way as long as possible.

I love u, Romance, with a heart of being in love with u. Always have.

She poured out her heart, After all, that is what she did when the relationship was new. She had held back quite a bit as time went on, for she was discovering the areas that they shared no common ground. Revealing some of those uncommon grounds was hard for her without seemingly nagging or clingy. She knew in her heart that this message would certainly trigger him opening up and wanting to comfort her fears. She anticipated a reply to her message. However, he showed up at her door. The first time in well over a week. The longest she has ever had to wait for a visit.

They made love. He gave her a new spice to their sexual encounter that night. A spice so hot that it brought tears to her eyes. Afterwards she sobbed like a baby before him.

"Why do I love u so much?" she asked aloud. The question was more so directed towards herself than him. What she was really asking was "Why am I so "in love" with a man that I feel is not "in love' with me? Why are the walls that I took to build in order to protect my heart from heartache are no longer working any more?"

To her, she should have been able to make love to him without a care as to his emotional state. She was finding that she couldn't like she use too. Yes, she cried like a baby before him and he softly stroked her skin saying "I love you". Why wasn't love enough for her? Why did she need him for him to be "in love" with her? Did he not just come to secure her heart?

Then she remembered. There may come another day that he will not think of her at all. She had to fix that. She had to get him to a place of more than just loving her. He had to be "in love" with her. Then he would always think of her. He would let her know as he did before. He would not wait till the day he decided to show up to make love to remind her how deep his feelings for her ran.

If her pouring out her concern brought him to show up, maybe making him aware of her gratitude towards him would trigger a sense in gratitude towards her. She wanted to let him know how pleasurable the night was and how grateful she was to him for the experience.

She messaged him:

I only had anal by 3 men in my life.

1) My first love the day I lost my virginity. Worst experience ever and not due to any pain lol.

2) The children's father (once). I asked him to do it since I was on my cycle and wanted to make him happy. Terrible experience.

3) You. Exhilarating experience. Thanx.

You were forceful and dominant in the ares where it was needed, and very comforting in the areas I needed most. My body surged a lot the next day. In all the old spots and now new ones lol.

She could not wait to hear of his gratitude for the part that she played in that passionate night. She could not wait to hear about how exhilarating the experience made him feel. He had done it before. He was sure to do it again. Never the less, that was not the case.

His message to her:

hahaha well i'm glad to give you that. It was quite the fun experience. haha fun fun fun.

It was obvious that things were different. It was obvious that her efforts were not working to gain what she wanted from him. It would seem to her that the level of attraction was different between them two. Possible imbalance. She was on one level and he was on another. Still, she fully could not comprehend. Was he thankful for her at all?

She was aware that his schedule had been pretty busy lately with few video projects underway. Yet, it never stopped him from seeing her no more than 3 - 4 days at a time. Some times less. She knew he really wanted to finish those projects, but just as he had came by the other night to secure her heart, he would surely take any and every available opportunity. That was the way it was before. Why would things be any different? Even if that meant coming in the middle of the night to make love to her once more. Then she unintentionally caught a glimpse of his FB status that puzzled her more. On top of the many complex emotions she was already feeling, the add to the confusion was a little more than should could digest. She hid all his status changes.

Later he personally messaged her:

Hmm ur wall seems to be broken lol. Oh well i'll message u here.

Just to tell u to check ur utube messages

kthxbai

She messaged him:

lol my wall, isn't broken Romance. It's put up like in my heart. When I read that you was chillin in school and wanted a text (knowing I can't) instead of coming to hang with me (even to make love), I kinda felt weird.

I couldn't understand, so I put up a wall to protect me. I figured that ur getting bored with me. Especially if you would rather get a text than come over lol. So I started running so I won't be left in the dust when u finally had it with me. I was ready if u wanted to come over. You have a key remember. You don't have to ask. You can always just call to make sure I'm there and show up.

Can I show u something?

Then for the first time, he spoke with the utmost passion within his heart. Unfortunately, it was out of irritation.

You've misread my FB yet again. You keep taking whatever you see too literally and to the heart, when most of the stuff I post on here is just random or pointless information that i just throw out with no intentions at all. I randomly tell people to txt me on here, knowing they're mostly asleep. and that a VERY large percentage of people on my friends list don't even have my number because i don't talk to them offline for the most parts.

"Pointless information?", she thought "Out of all the the 1 million thoughts a person could have, he choose which one to use as his status. His brain and heart developed and processed a thought that was seemingly so random. Can something that is said to have no meaning be read at all? To her, yes!

She figured that the truth of the matter was that he could not tell her as to why because he too did not know.

His message further goes:

I was actually working very hard on my videos before finding out they have an HD and I can just transfer it all to a different computer. Further more, they let me know that they wont be wiping out the computers until the summer semester, so I don't even have to sit there all night every night trying to get stuff done. So feeling like a derp, I posted that random thing about me just dicking around at school since I was there working on stuff when I really didn't have to. I've been extra busy for the past week or so for no real reason. I didn't have to do any of that (except for the spinning video) but, I had no idea untill last night.

Now the source of his frustration was coming out. At least she knew it was not her fault fully that he was upset. Yet, it did not explain why he would rather get a text rather than see her. If he didn't know. She had to accept that she wouldn't either.

His message continued:

So in conclusion, it was little to nothing, and you were just reading too much into my fb status' that usually have no meaning or are stuff that just wont happen. fyi I still haven't went to cook with jamie either, wasn't planning on it then, still not planning on it now. Its all small talk, just keeping up with friends even when i dont feel like hanging out with them.

and yes you can show me something.

"So, you wrote it to keep up with friends? There was a reason. It was not so random after all," she thought.
Now it was time. There was no reason to hold back. She was not getting what she needed. As far as she saw it, the relationship was doom to failure. There was no need to wounder, there was no need to fear. The distance in both time and contact the last few weeks left her many of nights crying. Laid out on the floor too weak from the pain of the thought to move. Besides, if she could survive a disappointing relationship of 11 years, this 5 month relationship was not going to be the life of her. It took many tears to accept this as so. She decided make her points as frank as possible. It was now or never.

Her message to him:

Thanx, Romance. Now ur talking to me. Really talking to me. This message has been the first one filled with as much passion in a long time. It's not my intentions on upsetting u no more that it has been urs. I know u have been trying to keep things as pleasant as possible with me. Believe me I know. I never sensed that any discomfort has came intentionally and I certainly don't blame u. Never have. I just try to adjust. I want you to be happy. But I want to be happy too. In order for me to adjust I have to know wut is really taking place. I don't. Not until now.

So I tell u wut is on my mind in hopes that u would do the same. I don't know wut questions to ask and I worry that if I ask too many then I would be a nag. So it builds. I trust you enough that you will not cheat on me. Always have. Jamie was not about cheating. It was about me having to ask for something that u were willing to freely give another.

Besides, I know I have a few outlandish post of my own. I try to keep my thought's %100. Yet, trying not to let on to anyone that I'm interested in dating or any of the sort. And informing you of all that I can so you would never think so either.

Maybe I should have asked why you didn't wanna come over, but I already feel clingy already. What I will show you next is why...

What she did not tell him that the mass majority of her post had been for him. She went to retrieve what it was she wanted to show him within their FB messages, all the while her was responding to her post.

His reply:

I cant really ask you to adjust with 7 and mekhi... They're your kids no matter what, and will always be there doing what they do.

"Had he not been paying attention?", she thought. She had told him once before that he did not have to be around them anymore. That she understood how frustrating they could be. She actually did make an adjustment without him asking for it.

His message goes on to say:

I do thank you for trying to adjust though.

For the first time he expressed a sense of gratitude for her. Finally. However he was upset and his gratitude went no further. It almost seemed patronizing. That hurt.

He continues:

I've tried to do that with the kids but it just gives me pent up irritation and a general dislike for all kids. And a loathing of the thought of me having any in the future.

"Romance was a terror as a child", she thought. Word had it that neither one of his parents knew what to do with him. She became angry that he would judge her children so harshly with no mercy.

He continues:

Your posts have never bothered me in the least, nor your friends posts about your posts. I'm not really the type to get jealous about anything, or make assumptions on something i dont see in person.

"Of course," she thought, " I have always kept you in mind with the majority of my post, anyway. I made a conscious effort not to give you anything to be jealous of."

He continues:

Like even when "what's his face" was posting dirty things on your wall. I'm like "meh wut's his face will be wut's his face" and thats as far as my thought process went.

"What does another persons post has anything to do with what thoughts I choose to post?" she thought. Not once did she mention about another person response to his post.

He continues:

As for my wall, maybe you should just keep it hidden, if it causes you to feel that way.

I dont let anyone think i'm interested tho.

"Fine. Maybe I should keep it hidden," she thought, "Let's not forget, also, that you said that you only cook for those you really really like. You won't even cook for your own MOTHER! And told me that the only reason why you didn't cook for me was because I had not asked. Then, later say where you offered to cook with another woman. What the hell was that?" She actually did not care that he wanted to cook with her. She knew and accepted that he had female friends. After all she had male friends. There was more to it. However, she was honest about her perceptions.

She retrieved their first set of messages ever sent in hopes to indicated how he responded to her then compared to now.

Her reply:

If u have read the previous messages... now I can explain a little more. U see, I tell u how much I miss u, but u have not told me that you missed me. I have told you that I am "in love with you", but I have not heard it from u since the relationship was new. So I don't know if u feel the same.

I know u love me because u touch my cheeks. I know ur interested to some degree because u do communicate with me. I know u want me because u make it a point to come see me when u can. I just don't know to wut degree at at times.

I thank God for u still, Romance. U have no idea. I guess this is a moment of truth for the both of us on just how much work it will take. For me to trust and for u to ensure. U said u were going to swing and knock my walls down. SWING!!!! I'm a woman.

Then again I may have be reading into small talk all this time. What do u need from me? And r u willing to give me wut I need? Think about it a little. Work on your projects and work. Get back to me later if needed be. Message me Monday or something. This way you don't have to focus on me right now. We'll both take a small break, but not a break up. I'm in love with u too much lol. I just want us both to be happy.

This was where her blogged began. Sorting out the details of this mess of a relationship. Wanting to heal from the hurt that he was no longer in love with her. Healing from the reality that they would never feel as they once did for each other. If she should ever catch a glimpse of that moment, it would only happen during sex. The only time where they both were on the same level of love making to each others heart. She tried everything to trigger that spark beyond the bedroom. It only made things worst.
Little did she know that her prayers as she grabbed her coffee was her ultimate revelation point. She had done nothing to trigger it to began with. So, what gave her any more power all this time? She had none.

She continued to tell the story of her heart amongst the blog page. Cutting time to tend to feuding children, hungry children, and tuning out loud joyfully, playing children. She had to tell her story. She had to heal. She was thrown into her minds work. The more she typed, the more was revealed to her, taking moments to read over her work. Then something caught her eye. She noticed off the the right of her blog page, one of her blogs were listed as one of the most popular blogs read. She was so enthused that she called up everyone she knew to tell of the good news and sense of accomplishment she felt.

Her heart had an orgasm like never before. Was this what she was looking for all this time? Falling in love can cause the heart to orgasm. Was falling in love the only time that it would? Only time would tell. Upon finishing her blog, she found enough healing to no longer hurt nor obsess over trying to trigger Romance into falling in love with her. For she was healed as she wrote this. Or was she?....