In Sickness and in Health ... But Hold the Sickness

When I became ill last year and lost my job, I was left with no money, no unemployment, no benefits, nothing. It was horrible. The only thing I had was my fiance of 2 years. I hadn't realized up to that point that I was nothing more than a cash cow and a support system for him. When I was desperate and sick he baled and left me with nothing. Thank God we didn't get to the altar. I think it would have been far worse to deal with that.

"according to Tara Parker-Pope’s blog in The New York Times"?? Your source is a BLOG?
This so-called "study" was based on 515 people. There are 55.2 million married couples in the USA.
What a bunch of useless man-bashing drivel.

In all honesty you can't judge a situation unless you're living it. My husband and I were married 14 years. Nine years into our marriage he was diagnosed with melanoma at 30 years old.

His cancer never stopped bombarding his body and after 2 years he started to deteriorate. Over the next 3 years he became more withdrawn, we didn't even have sex, he didn't want to. He wasn't the same person, never laughing, not being able to find joy in anything. I wanted a divorce, but decided that he still needed my support so I held off.

What I did was have an affair. Now before you jump on me for this, I have to tell you it was the only thing that kept me sane. It was the only time I felt normal. And through the "me" time I accquired I was able to care for him. He died 2 weeks ago and I was with him, holding him in my arms. I love him very much, but there comes a point when you need to take care of yourself and I will not appologize for that.

Now, based on the numbers in the study, I'd say that men may be pushed to divorce by their wives. If the marriages weren't ideal, I'd think these women would be eager to live life to the fullest and lose the baggage... But who knows, like I said you can't judge it unless you live it. You can't assume anything from this study.

"Stupidly Standing by Your Man?"

Okay...let me see....so it would be OK for a woman to abandon a man to an agonizing terminal illness...and she wouldn't have ANYTHING to feel bad about....why? Well, because "studies show" men do it to women more.

Am I understanding the implications correctly here?

What the he!! do "studies" have to do with YOUR individual relationships? You're in relationships with human beings, not statistics. This all sounds a bit sociopathic to me. Glad to see, as Dubs noted, that plenty of women seem to find this more than a little objectionable as well.

Well, I got a brain tumour and my husband didn't want to know. When the hospital eventually managed to contact him, he said "What the fuck is going on?". Afterwards, he didn't want to hear from either me or the children. He didn't want to help. He didn't want to pay child support. He filed divorce without telling me, and got it passed without me involved. He took out a restraining order in another state against me and the children, who are under 18, to stop us contacting him at all. Not for violence. Just to stop us contacting him.
I can't say more as there is a restraining order. To stop us telling him about the pain, the fear, the abandonment. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to see his children. He didn't want to help them cope with their fear and sorrow.
I'm going to survive this. I hope. But without him.

Typical man bashing propaganda without any statistics. Then "some" women over-analyze and internalize it until it becomes affirmation due to a previous experience or they heard from someone who had it happen and then all of a sudden it becomes another typical sexist generalization toward all men. Print it up, send it out, clear conscience, who needs credibility right?

Kudos and thanks to the ladies that see right through this garbage, you're the keepers and the type of women that men truly want to be with because.....you think for yourselves.

Mu husband totally takes care of me when I am sick. This study is lame. Or perhaps, if any accuracy, the wives seek isolation so their mate doesn't have to watch them suffer. If I were terminally ill, that may something I'd do too.

This article represents my ex perfectly. I had been in an accident and was suffering from PTSD. There were also 2 lawsuits going on at the same time, and he bailed at a time when I was at my lowest and needed him most. He started telling a friend (female) about all our problems and she of course, comforted him, and he left me for her. I'm the one that came out smelling like a rose with this one. I won both lawsuits, and he didn't get a penny and he is still paying me alimony.

I found out recently that I have something that is not fatal but can be debilitating. Out of everyone in my life, my husband is the least understanding and the most in denial. Right now, it isn't that bad but if my condition gets worse I could see leaving him. I know it sounds crazy but I have no desire to deal with a debilitating disease and a husband in serious denial at the same time. I would rather leave before I end up hating him. This has already caused enough resentment between my husband and I.

hey guys what about John Edwards and his wife. when his wife had breast cancer, John cheated on her with a news reporter.

I used to get terrible miraines. After my second or third hospitalization for them, my boyfriend calls and says that "having a sick girlfriend is really tiring." I don't think all men are #$&*@$ but that one certianly was. Definitely gave me a new benchmark for boyfriends. If someone isn't willing to stick around when you're sick, they don't deserve you when you're well.

I think it has something to do with your up bringing,my husband came from a family where he was concieved ,plus his two brothers also ,while their dad wife was sick,and he was dateing their mom.But he think it's was ok because his dad wife knew about it and she wanted to keep her husband Happy.BUt I think it was totally a bad call.So I am saying is we had been married 2 yrs. i became ill but it wasn't terminal, and while moving thing from his mom old house where he stayed before we were married, I found a letter that some B---- had written to him about meeting her one afternoon ,and I was hurt,this letter had been tucked away at his MOTHER'S house for over 10 yrs. and it's strange how it fell into my hands I was crushed,But I let him know he was no better than his dad

I had cancer 11 years ago- I was single w/ a not so supportive long term boyfriend. It was always easier for me to go back to my house when I was too sick to be 'me'. Lonely was better than rejected. This was after 5 years together. He's still single and I am healthy and happy-w/out him!! I can tell you it's easier to have no expectations, than to have someone you need and want to depend on and you get nothing. I think it's usually the woman that files for the big 'D'. I know in one midwestern state nearly 80% of the divorces there are filed by the woman.

It's great to see these men commenting on here. They need to stand up and let all of us ladies know that there are plenty of good guys still out there.

My grand uncle stayed with his legless wife due to diabetes. My other grand uncle refuses to marry again, after his wife died 50 years ago. My cousin went insane after losing his wife and baby, never recovered. My uncle stayed with his wife until she died. Men are not cold hearted creatures.

This is a very depressing article. My already very little faith in men has just plummeted to a new low.

Dear Joy in Seattle-

There were some numbers mentioned-they said they studied 515 patients-this means 515 couples.

So you may want to go back and read the article again.

Thanks

"I've seen firsthand how cowardly men can be when faced with a serious illness."

Yes, and women are just as bad, as has been noted here several times. Men just don't bother to write articles about it or pretend to display scientific evidence.

500/600 people is not a large enough study.

Anyone who abandons someone in a pinch is an a-hole.

Tables turn. Be kind and honest and dont torture each other. If that means separating then fine. Decide together.

Thats what I'm scared of

All depends in the time the two have been together, and the emotional strength of love of the parties involved, my wife of 20 years died after 4 years of battle with ca. i was by her side all the time and yes there was times i did cry in the middle of the night, that i felt rotten, and would like to disappear, but the love she gave me and i give her was stronger than my feelings at that moment, and there it is the sense of responsibility we have withing ourselves and keep us going against the odds. you feel weak some times other strong, it is a part of been a decent human entity. some people have the guts other they not have it but we can not judge other people by our experiences, they have to live with themselves and their feelings and guilt if any.