Is divorce contagious?

I work with divorcing couples, finding healthier options for resolving their divorces. I'm faced with high conflict people on a daily basis. My assistant is divorced. Some of the therapists with whom I collaborative and co-mediate are divorced. I have comforted and counseled family and friends during their divorces. With each experience, I pick up "tools" on communication, empathy, problem solving, self-awareness, and much much more. I would be curious to learn more about this study and understand how it was done, what was the hypothesis, what questions were presented (and how), etc. I take issue with people who label divorce as "evil", or who judge those who divorce as somehow "bad". After 30+ years of marriage, husband decided he didn't want to be married to wife any longer. So many things happened in those 30+ years. With child rearing, work responsibilities, social responsibilities, etc, this couple just didn't focus on each other. When the kids were gone, and he retired, they really didn't have much to keep them connected. I asked her if she had learned anything about herself through the process of divorce. She told me that she learned that she had been a divorce "racist". She couldn't find the right word - she would never allow her children to play with children who's parents had been divorced; she thought it would teach her children the wrong lesson. She now realized, divorce happens to good people. To anyone, in fact: christian, muslim, black, white, old, young.

From my experience in working with divorcing couples, what most of these people lack (either one spouse, or sometimes both) are proper communication skills AND problem solving skills. Why? Most often because they didn't learn these skills from their parents, who didn't learn it from their parents, and on, and on, and on. At some point, unless someone can break the cycle, it looks more like divorce is hereditary.

The other problem is the "voices" people hear when times are tough. These voices are either well-meaning friends, or not-so-well-meaning attorneys telling one spouse they should go for the jugular. They don't think about how much damage this can do: to the children, the rest of the family, mutual friends, etc. With mutual friends, it often divides them as well, taking sides with one spouse or the other. I've even seen this happen within the family (very very sad).

The point is that until the "norm" for the divorce process shifts from the "win/lose" court battles to a problem solving approach, the results as shown by these types of studies will continue to be a reality, regardless of the conclusions drawn.

I agree with it being contagious, as well as most of the feedback -cancer, disease, hereditary , social choices. If most of us look around us and not just at our families or close personal friends but at neighbors and co-workers, acquaintances church and school, we will see a lot of divorce for various reasons. Each time we hear of a divorce we look at ourselves. It's any of those factors that influence or effect us in our views of marriage and how over the long term, we handle the stressful times given any marriage.

I have often thought about peer pressure even in adulthood. I believe many got married for the wrong reasons, not intentionally and done subconsciously. When one marries for the wrong reasons, your expectations will rarely be met let alone your basic need for love, respect, and validation.

I am proof of that; not once for the wrong reason, but twice. I know for my third and final, it will be for the right reasons. I recently heard, first marriage is for kids, second for money, and third for love. I was like WOW, my first was because I knew he would have good seed for kids, and second was for money.

My day we were not taught the basic foundations of who we are and what will fulfill us; two wrong never make for a great marriage. Ultimately a house divided against itself will not stand. I am not so sure many were getting divorced because it was contagious but finding out what reality is when you had already made some major decisions. One couple just had the courage (sort of) to say this is a very negative situation and we need to change it so both our lives can be positive. It gave those in the same situation the courage to follow.

The sooner we accept that women are shallow and evil, the better off us men will be. I'm not against marriage, but don't expect honesty out of her. I'm taking a day off right now. I've gone to the coffee shop and the book-store. Both are filled with 90% married women. Leaches living off their husbands. To them you are nothing more that a constant source of income for their shopping, an outlet for their anger, and occasional beneficiary when they are in a good mood, and a trophy by which they measure themselves against their friends. Once you fall short on any of these catagories, you will be punished. Bewarned men, they are all evil at their core. Your wonderful fun filled dating life is only Act 1 to them. Their happiness at the beginning of marriage is because they found a sucker and can now spend your living away at their will. Once they tire of you, you will find out fast.

Not surprising at all...my father's second wife was a person who was never quite satisfied anyway. She divorced her husband because "he was too nice." (What the hell does that mean, anyway?) But after my "aunt" divorced HER husband, she would talk about my father constantly, and how he wasn't good enough to stay with...she'd bring up things from the past and remind my step-mother of all of the things my she had ever complained about. She kept it up until my stepmother decided that she wasn't happy and divorced my father. The two sisters moved in together for a bit...I think it's a case of "misery loves company", plus I don't think she wanted to be the "bad daughter", and if they both divorced their parents couldn't be too mad at her. (They come from an extremely Catholic family. Divorce is a no-no.) I have a feeling that she regretted it afterwards, especially since the two children they had together were miserable after. All because of a bitter, unhappy, and extremely selfish person. One bad apple...

how about influences you can't do anything about, like the deceased divorced parents of your partner?
now that's scary!! I would think the example would help you decide what would make things work, not just feeling disillusioned.

Sounds very plausible. One of my wife's co-workers broke up with her husband. Then my wife decided to break up with me. After that all started, one girl at my work broke up with her boyfriend and another lady at work got into a divorce from her husband.

Also curious to see the effect on the children of the divorce and their relationships/relationship outlooks, as well as the differences of the effects when its a bitter divorce, or a friendly divorce.

And what about if your parents have been divorced since you were, say, 4? What kind of affect will that have on you? I'm not gonna choose a side about whether this article is right or wrong. I think the truth is, everyone's just scared of falling out of love, or getting their heart broken. That goes for the people that were studied, that goes for the people that have commented. Hell, that goes for me.

To those of you who are posting comments about how "ridiculously stupid" this is, ask yourself why. Maybe you really do think this is stupid, but is there a slight chance that a part of you is afraid of this happening to you? Is it possible maybe, that you're subconsciously denying it? Because the thought of heartbreak horrifies you?

And to those of you that completely believe this, 100%, is it just because you're scared? Maybe it makes sense to you, or maybe, subconsciously, you believe that perhaps this could be an excuse. Or maybe a warning? Whenever something like this happens around you, you make sure you hold onto him/her tighter when you're close, because, again, the mere thought of heartbreak horrifies you.

I'm not trying to seem wise, I'm not trying to be dramatic. Just think about things, because there might be a slight chance that there's a deeper meaning, somewhere in your heart.

I just finished a study that proves studies can prove anything you want them to.

Friends and Family have liked to cry on my shoulder or vent . .. after my 24.5 year marriage to an alcoholic ended . .. I told them that "I'm happily divorced and if they wanted to stay married I am probably not the person they want to be talking to".

The only winers in a divorce are the attorneys and they use the women most of the time.

U dont need a study on this. My friend went to the Game. I want to and i did. Its the same philosophy here. My neighbors kid got a Bike, and now mine wants too.

Our Pastor has been saying this for years. Yes, financial difficulty is the leading cause of 70% of divorces. That just means you both need to be on the same page when it comes to spending & debt. Every married person is either 'leaning in or leaning out' of their relationship. If you're communicating to someone other than your spouse as to what is wrong in your marriage you're in big trouble. THAT leads to affairs. If you think your spouse won't listen to you but this other person really understands me you've already got one foot out the door.....

Could it be that the divorced/divorcing friend or relative spends hours making his/her case for why the relationship didn't work and the listener starts to think, "Gee, Janie's husband snores and can't put his clothes in the hamper, and my Bob snores sometimes and left his socks under the bed last week. Maybe it's time I think about getting a divorce too. After all, he's not perfect anymore." In marriage, as in so many things, you find what you look for, and if you look for flaws and imperfections, you'll find them.

And it's impolite to tell a friend who's going through a difficult divorce that Bob is perfect in every way, so you sympathize by telling her that they're all beer-drinking, football-addicted slobs and you don't know why any sane woman would want one around the house, when a cat is easier to keep and better company. Maybe you just mean to be supportive, but you can end up convincing yourself it's just not worth it.

So, contagious? Maybe. A possible solution: keep the focus on Janie's situation and how you can help her cope, instead of getting into a husband-bashing contest.

This is probably the inverse effect that marriage is also contagious. I can't count the number of good women I've known that settled on inferior men simply because they were in their late 20's and all their friends were getting married. Nutty.

My parents were married for 35 years, when my mother died at age 51. My dad never re-married, but that
is not the point here. The point is, I watched my mom and dad together, until I was 23yo (when my mother
died). I don't remember them having problems and if they did they definitely kept it to themselves. I don't remember them fighting, or calling each other names either. However my brother is on wife #5 and my sister has been married and divorced twice. I got married at 23, and really expected my marriage to last, but it didn't. However, no one around me was getting divorced. If anything, many people I knew were getting married - both at in work and in my personal life.

The biggest reason for my divorce was b/c my ex-husband was a raging alcoholic and he started looking,
at other women, if you know what I mean.. He started cheating on me, basically, and was lying about that and other things. No one around me was divorced. I moved back in with my father and found all my friends were either getting married, getting engaged, or deep into a relationship. My divorce wasn't the case of "my-friend-is-getting-divorced-sounds-good-I think-I-will-too" syndrome - at all!

Twenty years after my divorce, I got married again, to a great guy, a much different guy than my first hubby
and that's a good thing! I was w/ him for 6 years before we decided to tie the knot as he was also married
once before. And statistics say, with each marriage, comes even a higher chance of divorce so we weren't taking any chances. We lived together for quite a while and really got to know each other well. We've been married about four years now and been together a total of 10 years. I wish I had met this guy (my 2nd husband) 25 years ago b/c I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we'd still be married today! I don't think divorce is contagious. Nice try though. Every university has to do a study on something that is going to raise eyebrows, similar to this one. It gets you thinking. Hmmm. Could it be? Could we be next? No! I really think it has a lot to do with 1. how you were raised.. Were your parents ever divorced? Do they
fight in front of the children? 2The marriage itself Without blaming the end on friends, relative, co-workers,
etc. Look at the state of the marriage. How often do you fight? How often do you sit down and communicate? Make love? Talk (calmly) about money? Go out? There's so many more factors to this than a friend just happening to be getting a divorce, than meets the eye!!

Too easy to get married and too easy to get divorced. My grandparents were married for over seventy years. My parents were married for almost fifty until my dad passed away. Marriage isn't a game, it's more like a job- you have to work at it!

Wow, It` s funny how my married friends and cousins ask for my help when they need something from me, but treat me like a leper any other time because of my divorcing an irresponsible spouse.

So in other words, you can't just fall out of love with a person, get tired of their ways, or just grow apart? Just because Jane jumps off the bridge we are going to too. This is a horrible study.