Is it possible to be friends with your ex?

A friend and reader sent me an email yesterday, and it got me thinking. How many people manage to maintain a real, honest-to-god friendship with their exes after they split - particularly if the relationship was long-term (say, 5 years or more), with cohabitation, and even kids involved? I'm not talking about just being friendly or cordial, or playing nice for the sake of the kids. I'm talking about maintaining an ongoing, close friendship, one not mired in the past and all the conflict/anger/hurt that led the two people in the couple to break up in the first place. Even if it's possible, how likely is that to happen for most couples?

In the case of my friend, her ex wants a friendship, but for a variety of reasons she's not really interested. In part, here's what she said in her email to me (shared here with permission):

Related: How NOT to support your friends through their divorce

"I'm having a lot of bitterness that gets buried for the sake of my child, but sometimes I need to let [the ex] know that I am NOT ever going to be the "best friends" he wants. He doesn't get that I really really don't want to attend events that he and his ladyfriend are going to."

"... we worked together and have the same social circle. That's been the sticking point, really. Just annoying to see the new lady getting to be FB friends with my old cohorts, plus seeing them working on projects together. Argh."

"And my other divorcing lady buddies (more and more and more, it seems) have the same issues. I tend to bottle it up, then the few moments we are together without our kid in the car let loose a stream of vitriol. Not too nice, I know."

"Probably difficult to write something like that publicly… but I do know lots of ladies who would benefit from advice."

Is that someone you want to be friends with? Umm, probably not.

Related: Kids of divorce may have happier marriages

And does that make you - or your ex - a terrible person? No, it doesn't. My ex and I have a very civil, friendly, cooperative relationship. A very functional relationship. But I wouldn't go so far as to say we're friends. We're partners in parenting our daughter and giving her the best life we can possibly give her together, and part of that is making sure we maintain a positive and healthy relationship with each other. It's by no means perfect, but it works. In time, perhaps we can grow back into being something like real friends. But… as with any marriage that fails, there is a lot of history and attendant baggage to get through and past - on both sides - if we ever got to a point where we wanted to actively pursue reconstructing our friendship. So, will we? I don't know. Right now, I'm just thankful for what we do have, which though perhaps not ideal (but what is?) seems pretty decent, you know?

What do all of you think? Can you be "real" friends with an ex? And how would you navigate a situation where your ex wanted friendship but you didn't?

- By Tracey Gaughran-Perez

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Tracey Gaughran-Perez aka Sweetney, is a single mom, PhD dropout, prototypical Gen-Xer, and professional writer/editor. Tracey lives with her evil genius 8-year-old daughter (think the girl from "Little Miss Sunshine" meets Dr. Horrible) and several insane pets in the concrete wilds of beautiful Baltimore, Maryland, where she struggles to balance life, work, and motherhood - with varying degrees of success.