YOUR FRIENDS' ACTIVITY

    It's Complicated Advice Q&A: Do His Friends Have to be My Friends?

    By | Love + Sex – Tue, Apr 5, 2011 4:21 PM EDT


    My husband's friend remarried after his first wife dumped him for another man. I befriended the second wife, and we had fun for years. But several years ago, she started saying strange things that made me feel like her husband objected to our friendship. Things like, "Tom [her husband] is jealous of you" or, "I told Tom that Fred and Diana [another couple we all know] like you." Eventually, she stopped asking me to hang out. When I would invite her to do something, she always had other plans. I finally stopped calling. But recently, she's started asking us to do things as a foursome again. My husband wants to, but I feel like she kicked me to the curb. I confronted her, and she denies anything is wrong. I am hurt, and I feel like an idiot. Should I try to continue the friendship for my husband's sake? -- P.V., 48, Boca Raton, FL

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    For starters, don't feel like an idiot. I see this a lot -- in my friends and in myself: We stand up for ourselves and then feel stupid or as if we're overreacting. She treated you badly, and when you asked if anything was the matter -- a mature response -- she didn't want to discuss it. You held up your end of the friendship, but she didn't.

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    In terms of socializing with the couple for your husband's sake, that depends on how repellent the idea of being around them feels. There are degrees of intimacy. Theoretically, you can hang out as couples without relaunching your girlfriend bond with her. But sometimes there really is too much water under the bridge. Let your heart be your guide. And please note that this old piece of wisdom applies only to you: Your heart guides you. If your husband still wants to maintain a friendship with Tom, that's his decision. Give the bro-mance your blessing and tell him that if the time comes when you feel like making it a foursome, you'll let everyone know.
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    Karen Karbo is an award-winning writer and author of The Gospel According to Coco Chanel: Life Lessons from the World's Most Elegant Woman. She's also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Check out more advice from Karen.

    Need smart advice?
    Whatever's bugging or perplexing you - about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it - REDBOOK's Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

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