How can you cry tears of sorrow for a person you've never laid eyes on? Why does it hurt so much to be cast aside by someone you've never even held in your arms? I don't know how or why, but it is as real as the salty tears that fall today.
Just when I was getting comfortable thinking that a true and deep love was just not in my cards for this lifetime, along came the dark knight. We were both looking for answers to why we couldn't share the kind of love and closeness that we hoped for all our lives. He found me by reading my words, and recognized that we both wanted the same things. His view of life mirrored mine. He knew my deepest thoughts, fears and emotions from reading my comments and blogs over time. One day, he found the courage to make a connection by messaging me. His view of the world, ability to love unconditionally, and Midas touch with words made me fall into a deep admiration that almost frightened me. He could make me feel brighter than the sun's rays when he spoke of my inner beauty. I had finally found "the one" who "saw me."
After hiding my heart from the world of men, he led me to a safe meeting ground, built on feeling free to discuss anything. Trust came naturally, just like the course of finding our spiritual compatibility. Without even knowing how he looked physically, I found him to be the most beautiful man based on his beliefs, values, expressions of love and caring for others. Was he being honest about how much I meant to him, when he said that it didn't matter what I looked like, because he loved me for my soul?
I guess I will never know.
This morning, as I saw his name appear on my inbox, I felt elation as I always did when he wrote. But then reading his words crushed my heart and more tragically, my spirit. I had let my guard down, and opened my heart completely, foolishly, just as I had hoped some day would happen. I had been longing to regain my innocence in love, after all the disappointments in the hard knocks of life. I was giddy like a teenager, falling in love, looking forward to all the future plans and adventures we would make. His message turned the extreme happiness wave I was riding into a harrowing ordeal in a tropical storm-- drowning in a dark abyss. Being shut out from one day to the next sent a shock through my mind, body and soul.
We were going to write the story of our love together. In the nude. We were going to see Paris for the first time in our lives and enjoy croissants with our morning coffee. We would some day wake up holding onto each other, and a smile would make our day already wonderful. So many plans, so much anticipation, so much pleasure was exchanged while we warmed up to each other. Receiving a message from him brought as much joy or more than being able to share myself emotionally with someone I cared for-- and thought cared for me just as much.
Everything felt so real, so alive. One of the things my dark knight told me was that "life is too short to have any what ifs." It wasn't "if" we met, it would be "when." The when even had a date, and we counted down like goofy kids looking forward to Christmas day, wondering what presents awaited. The "what if" legacy has now replaced all the joyful fantasies I could hardly wait to live out. I will now be lost in the sea of other hopeless romantics who meander through life, wondering what love could have been like, had destiny not stood in the way.
Destiny. That was a word my dark knight used often. Soul mates. He softened my hardened heart with those kinds of words to let me dream again. If we believe in God, then we believe in destiny, and it was meant to be for us to find each other. Now, our destiny lies in telling my tale to warn others of being more cautious with who they give their heart to.
Will I love again? Probably, but only because I'm a recovering (and failing) love addict. The pain doesn't get easier for each heartbreak, as I've learned today. At least this time, I shed tears for a good man who followed honor rather than his heart. If time is the only thing that can heal you, then I suppose it will be a while before I can open my heart again.
For now, I cry, and grieve, and try to find acceptance for what I can't control. I don't wish this pain on anyone, but without it, we wouldn't grow in life. Speaking of grow, that was another plan we had. Growing together, learning and experiencing life was on our list. Accepting each other for our imperfections, but striving to be a better person was what we agreed to bring out in each other. I miss my partner, dearly. But I move forward, as I continue on in my journey. Stumbling over things is only human. I will certainly sit down next time I know I'm going to fall.