Fortune Cookie Week!
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
On the sidelines they eat oranges and cheer the players; on the field they score.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being as mysterious as the "special house meat" will work in your favor this week.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It is better to wear out than rust out...in bed. (But what happens when your amazing sex life leaves you black and blue?)
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Someone will invite you to a karaoke party. You should go.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
He who never shuts his mouth eats flies. And he who eats flies has bad breath.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Love is like oral sex--just because you give it doesn't always mean you'll get it in return. (Is sex without oral a dealbreaker?)
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Ambivalence is God's way of telling you to keep it in your pants.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder but procrastination just pisses it off.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The question of life is "Why?" The answer is "Why not?" You will get it wrong on the quiz this week.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The first and last love is self-love. (But what if your boyfriend over does it with the "self-love"?)
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Blow not against the hurricane, but gently against nearby earlobes.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A hot bod clouds one's vision; dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one's brain; and unprotected dirty-dog sex with a hot bod clouds one's genital tract.
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